This needs to end - but how

[just17]

Unhappily married for some time. SN older child who causes a lot of friction about parenting. Husband will be supportive one minute and then the next it's all my fault - he shouts a lot, is a bully and will never enter into a proper conversation so we never resolve anything. He's agreed we need to end things - all he's interested in is his share of the house. It's such a toxic atmosphere I don't want me or the child to be around him but I know he won't leave while we sort things out as he is obsessed with 'the house'. But I am worried if I go (obviously with the child as wouldn't leave them with him) he will twist it so I don't get access to the money - also where would I go - rents are astronomical. Joint owners, small mortgage left - and I am not starting all over again - in my old life I would be retiring about now... I can't bear the thought of being here all summer... What do I do?

Talk to a lawyer first and foremost. Lots of them provide free confidential advice in the first instance. If you have your own bank account make sure it's got money in it. I presume you both work? if you're near retiring age then know that you are entitled to some of his pension too. It may not feel financially viable but your house is joint whether you're living in it or not. I would write down everything to do with finances and the house on paper and call a solicitor.

Leaving a bully is bloody hard. But just imagine waking up one morning without worrying what mood he is. Good luck

Get a solicitor. This is one of the most important things you will do for the future of your children, so do NOT rely on social media or on your partner for advice. Support yes, but not advice.

You need to do this properly. It may be very difficult, but thousands of women have managed it.

AnotherGo - thank you :)

Haffiana - I'm not an idiot! Clearly not after advice from my husband either. Just wanted to see what other people may have done. Don't want to discuss with real-life friends atm, so thought I'd see what Mumsnetters came up with.

@Haffiana

Get a solicitor. This is one of the most important things you will do for the future of your children, so do NOT rely on social media or on your partner for advice. Support yes, but not advice.

You need to do this properly. It may be very difficult, but thousands of women have managed it.

"But thousands of women have managed it"

This can be meant in a reassuring way...like loads of people have gone through it so you can too. But it can also sometimes sound dismissive. Everything from miscarriage to divorce to PND is super common but just because thousands go through it doesn't mean it feels any less terrifying and horrific when you do

I hope you're ok. @just17 I would definitely come up with a plan of action. Talk to a solicitor. Find a place to live. My abusive ex tried to screw me over in so many ways but that feeling when I woke up one morning and got my small bag of essentials from its hiding place and just walked out the door.....never looked back. I mean it was so hard but I was free.....

You don't have to put up with his shit. You really don't.

@just17

The best way to begin is with the obvious. Take your problems 1 at a time.

1. Consult a solicitor & get divorce proceedings started.

1. Gather all important paperwork (birth certificates, passports, bank account statements & details, pension paperwork (photocopy his) etc) Keep them safe e.g at a relatives house or at work.

1. Open your own bank account, and switch payment of Child Benefit/ wages/ PIP etc to new account. Take 1/2 of any savings/joint account money & put into own account. Report a change of circumstance to Child Tax Credit (if you get this), and apply for Carer's Allowance.

1. Work out any other benefits you might qualify for as a single parent still sharing a house but living as if single and apply for them straight away, as they may take weeks/months to come through (but will be backdated to application date).

Once these basics are done, you can follow your solicitors advice about the house etc (which could be he needs to buy you out or he leaves, and you stay until the house sold and proceeds split)

Good luck, and enjoy your freedom. x