I'm just so sad, I can barely sleep or eat, this is consuming me

[RedBkue]

I’m 36 in two weeks and I’m so desperately sad that I don’t have a family. I am not coping. 5 colleagues have announced pregnancies in the last few months. My SIL is pregnant, so are my two best friends. And today, I see that my ex is having a child with his new partner of a year.

I am in a relationship of 7 months and while we have talked about the fact we want kids, he’s never said to me that he wants them with me. We are just not at that stage I guess. The closest chat we had was that he could imagine doing that with me, during a reasonably drunken night together. He’s at a critical stage of his career so it’s not on the cards at all for him for at least a year to 18 months. He was clear about this at the start but is also open about wanting these things in future.

I feel upset all the time. I panic all the time. I’m sad every night I go to bed. I had a termination when I was 29 and also worry that means there could be problems. I have been for scans and checks, I’ve just been told that all seems fine and usual.

I can’t sleep most nights and wonder what I did to be in this position. I’ve always wanted to settle down and things just haven’t worked out. I am struggling to even enjoy my relationship even though I am very happy with this new man. The thoughts consume me. Any advice? I’m not coping.

It would be good to try and get your thoughts in some sort of order rather than being overwhelmed by sadness and panic - neither of which are of any use to you.

Could you write down (for yourself) what you want (a child? a family? a husband?) and precisely WHY you want them. What would be the pros? What would be the cons? What's your plan B if you don't get what you want? Again, the pros and cons of that other life.

Please discount any notions about what you've done in the past and whether you 'deserve' to be where you are now. Life is never fair or unfair - it is just life.

Imo make a list of your plans /things you want to do before you become a dm. I had dc very very young and although I don't feel like I missed out in reality of course I did!! Being a dm is fabulous but make some things happen just for you op!!

Look into freezing some eggs if you can afford it. Stay very fit and healthy and a good weight , it helps if you do ever plan to conceive. Having babies in your late 30’s isn’t a disaster, even if it isn’t what you dreamed of.

Stick close to your pregnant friends- it might be tough in some ways but you can get a lot of vicarious pleasure from friends’ babies and they will love you to bits if you offer to babysit sometimes, or just go round for coffee and play with the baby while they shower or vacuum or whatever.

You have a really good chance of having a family with your new man. You’ve got a timeline, sort of, so just try and fill your time with a zillion things you can’t do with a baby.

Right now, I’d love to drive off and hike up a mountain, I’d love to buy furniture that the kids wouldn’t wreck, I’d love to have time to go swimming, I’d love a lie in and a cup of tea in bed one morning, a leisurely meal out in the evening, a trip to an exhibition in London, a weekday dinner that wasn’t child-friendly. I’d love for my house to stay tidy for more than five minutes, I’d love to take a vacation in termtime when it is quiet and cheaper. I’d love to be able to push my career knowing that i can commit, and see how far I can get promoted.

Don’t waste these years wishing they were different than they are. You stand a much better chance of success with your boyfriend if you enjoy life as it is right now. Play a canny long game, you might win.