Obsession and intermittent reinforcement - am I alone?

[MackenzieT]

Hi all,

I was having a chat with a friend today and we were talking about becoming obsessed in relationships that are toxic and drama-y and apparently it's linked to a high-and-low brain chemistry thing like if rats are given a food box that gives intermittent reward they go completely mental and obsess over it. I guess I'm feeling ashamed and sad because I've fallen prey to this kind of behaviour myself, recently too. I feel like I've let myself down and lost control in a really unattractive way when I've obsessed in a relationship - please help me feel less alone! Has it happened to you as well? What helped (I'm in CBT for anxiety and deffo have an anxious attachment style which doesn't help)

xx

Pretty sure we've all been there - I was once so consumed with a guy I was having a on-off thing with in my late twenties I pined and pined and lost so much weight and really went a bit mad!! Made me feel weak and paranoid and like total shit tbh so I get it. Hurts the self-esteem. Forgive yourself and work on your boundaries.

I would address your anxious attachment style through seeing a BACP registered therapist and consider also what you learnt about relationships from childhood. You need to work on you in terms of boundaries and self worth/self esteem; love your own self for a change.

You may also want to read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Someone providing intermittent reinforcement is likely to be toxic in their own way. Read a book called Trauma Bonding, or download it on audible

I've experienced it in the past. It won'tve helped your mental health.

Have you got rid of the manipulative type? If so, well done. If not, please do block on everything so they can't try and hoover you back in.

It's all a learning curve and you'll have learned a few red flags to avoid with any future blokes.

Absolutely. It's why at first when you are free of them that it can feel as if you're blind on a rollercoaster.

Because when they were with you they controlled the high highs and low lows and when they are gone it's like your brain chemistry is all to pot.

Took me a good month of no contact to even remotely feel like my feet were even on the ground again.

People talk about trauma bonding but I think this is something different. Your bodily balance is thrown off, it's not a mental thing, it's an actual physical affect.

Because there is trauma bonding which is more sort of the mental, conditioned thought process of looking to the person who has caused you pain to solve your pain. Like a stuck record kind of obsession.

But to me the actual physical changes to the brain (eg: them causing you to constantly release a fiight of fight hormone like adrenaline and stress ones like... cortisol? I think) is something different.

Abusers can cause mental issues but also, actual physical damage. And that to me includes fucking with your brain chemistry. So I dunno if if I would lump that in with trauma bonding. As to me its something else entirely.

Well hopefully we are better than rats in a lab!! I don’t know about the psychology of it, but does it matter what it is called? Whenever I have seen people falling victim to this, both in work and life/love is because they have a lot of hope and no options or a scarcity mindset. Your life is unhappy and you are clinging to these crumbs whenever they come as the only way to make a situation better, to fill the void, but the key is you need to fill the void yourself.

Work on yourself and try to live a full and happy life, date multiple men until they prove themselves worthy of a relationship. Get love from multiple sources, family, friends, children, community, pets etc so that you are not in auch a desparate state of hunger.