I need some frank advice

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This might be long.

I'm in my 50's and have been divorced for 10 years. My exH and I have three DS the youngest of whom is now 15. I divorced him because if heavy drug taking, verbal, emotional and occasional physical abuse of me and the children. I was always the higher earner and kept the FMH. the children lived with me 100% but saw their father once a week. he couldn't cope with more / it wasn't safe / he was living in unsuitable places - the kids didnt regular stay with him.

After we separated, despite my saying it wasn't necessary, it seems that most of out mutual friends stopped seeing him. Some stopped seeing us both. I think one part of this was that the women had seen some of his behaviour and were appalled. Some of the men were also pretty disgusted with the things that happened to our children.

After the marriage ended I met someone else. He was always quite hostile to my ExH. At the time I think I felt grateful becaue I had been so bullied and ground down by my exH. Now, in retrospect, I think I should have told him to keep his beak out. That man turned out to be a narcissist and although I stayed with him far too long, I finally got rid 5 years ago. I have been single ever since

I remained in the same area so that the children could keep regular contact with their father, and their paternal family ( who are very supportive)

Now my ExH is clean ( he says) and does not drink. he's pestering me to have a closer relationship with him. He wants to 'talk ' to me (ostensibly about the children) almost every weekend, he brings me little presents, he walks the dog for me -with the boys.

I was initially happy to be more civil with him, but now I feel unbearably pressured and deeply stressed. I've tried to be nice, civil and friendly - its important for the children but deep in my heart I can't bear him. he plays on my kindness by blaming my ex partner for his friends shunning him, tells me he gave everything to me in the divorce and even suggested I might give our marriage another go.

( I did tell him that would never happen)

Some nice or even hard words are needed. I don't want to 'talk' to him every weekend - he's using this 'about the children' to try and get close to me - Its not about them at all. but I feel I cant ask for any support with the kids without it being a green light for him to think he can overwhelm me with his attention.

Well done for recognising that you are getting pulled back in.

I can recommend Lundy’s ‘Why does he do that’ book to help to stiffen your resolve to keep him at arm’s length.

I would request formal contact only, ie by email, and only about things directly related to the DCs. Tell him you won’t be responding to anything else.

Keep those boundaries that keep you and the DC safe x

I think I would probably have a hard, tough conversation - either text or email if you feel that you can't say it to his face but certainly you would feel very empowered if you did say it to his face.

Along the lines of "I need to be crystal clear with you. I was civil and friendly to you after the divorce due to us sharing children and for THEIR need to have parents who interacted civilly. The children are the only reason we are in contact. They are the only reason I still speak to you and in fact, now they are getting older I was looking forward to having to interact with you far less than I used to have to do. I have zero interest in being your friend, your confidante or romantic partner.

If I ask you for help on a matter relating to the children, it is NOT a green light for you to assume that I have any interest in you as a person, or as a potential partner.

I am glad that you say you are finally sober - for the children. It is of zero interest to me otherwise. Please stop using the children as an excuse to slide back into my life because it will not work."

Now I'm sure that he'll splutter and turn it back on you as men like that typically do that you are imagining things and he was only being friendly etc but you know you aren't. He will know you aren't. Your point will be made, your boundary drawn even if he denies it.

The youngest is 15 - is there really any need for such frequent chats when they presumably can be contacted directly by their dad, bypassing you?

@Drinkingallthewine thank you so much. That's exactly what I want to say. I will try to say f2f, but It may need to be email

there NO need to 'chats' at all. He has never been to one parents evening in 10 years, he had zero interest in 'chats' in the past. Its all so he can bemoan how shit his life is and try to blame me for it.
I have started feeling physically ill when I contemplate it. he's walking all over my boundaries and I just haven't been able to find the right words because our children have seemed so pleased .

But I will never get over the way he behaved when we were married and there is no way back from that at all . Ever.

You will feel so much better to get it off your chest.

It actually sounds like a tactic that some manipulative men use - they become 'friendly' but it feels like they are hitting on you regardless of the words... so then you are friendly back despite your gut telling you what's really going on because, well, as women we've been conditioned to be friendly and nice haven't we?
So you are friendly back, they make a move on you, you turn them down and they get nasty. Call you a prick tease or stuff like that.
If you prempt this by cutting them off before they have the opportunity to make that pass at you you are usually a stuck up cunt who thinks that everyone wants in her knickers and he was only being friendly like. Often with some derogatory comment thrown in about your appearance. It's a tactic whereby they can blame either outcome on you - that you got the signals wrong.

The great thing though about having strong boundaries is that they can bleat all they like about you picking their intentions up wrong, but you simply don't give a flying fuck what they think. You know and trust what your gut is telling you, not some abusive ex addict who was a shit husband and shit dad and by the sounds of it, a shit friend too.

he will tell the kids whatever I say to him. and I have never told them all the things that happened in our marriage. He is their father and although they know he ahs had drug problems that have no idea how this impacts a family / the lying the aggression etc How can they, they are young people.

He is a more involved father now, although he treats the kids like friends and is not a 'parent' or a role model in any way. Again, I think they like this, disney dad bringing them stuff, buying then stuff ..

would anyone actually tell their children what really happened in a marrige - It was pretty bad