How would you react to this? (TW sexual assault)

[ConfusingPast]

TW description of sexual assault below

NC for this. I am a regular poster.

This happened to me and I don’t know if my reaction was normal or what I should have done.

Was living abroad with 2 friends lets call them Amy and Tom. We were all really close, living a hedonistic lifestyle. Lots of parties, lots of drugs.

One night we had been out partying and we’re back at our apartment all taking GHB together. Amy went to bed to the room we shared, Tom and I stayed up. He kept encouraging me to have more GHB which I remember thinking was weird but I willingly had it and soon I was pretty worse for wear. I vaguely remember us kissing and starting to have sex, something that had never happened before. All consensual (although definitely would not have wanted to sleep with Tom if it hadn’t been for the drugs).

I was feeling sick and decided it was time to go to bed so went to mine and Amy’s room but Tom came and got me and took me back to the front room. There were two sofas in our front room, we had been on one of them so I went to the opposite one to try and lie down. I don’t really remember what Tom was doing but he was with me. Then I passed out.

In the morning I woke up naked apart from my top which was pushed up around my neck. Tom looked really sheepish and said ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise how fucked you were’. I didn’t get to talk to him more as he had to fly back to the UK.

I was totally confused about what had happened and only had patchy memories of the evening. I kept thinking why was my top pushed up like that when I had been walking around the apartment, trying to go to bed etc. Surely I hadn’t been walking around like that? Tom must have done it. But I also just wanted to forget about it and carry on having a great time.

A few nights later I started having nightmares about Tom being on top of me and hitting me in the face. Once Tom was back from the UK I asked him if he’d hit me in the face when I was under on GHB and he shrugged ‘yeah probably, I was trying to wake you up.’

I told Amy that I thought Tom had had sex with me when I was basically unconscious and she said ‘Tom would never do that’ and that was the end of the conversation.

What would you do after that?

OP,

It sounds as if Tom took advantage of you whilst you were unconscious which is rape.

Tom sounds like scum.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry to say, it sounds like he raped you. Maybe someone else will come along to give you advice on where to go/how to deal with this. I'm so very sorry

Thank you both. I think so too. I have called a helpline who were really lovely and let me talk it through with them.

I haven't dealt with it very well since it happened and I think I need some help.

I’m so sorry No part of what happened that night was consensual: you can’t consent under the influence of GHB, coupled with his encouragement of taking an increasing amount, suggests a degree of premeditation on his part.

Amy’s reaction is disgraceful too. I hope you can find some support, know that almost all women will believe and stand with you.

Thank you Serge, yes it definitely felt like premeditation. Basically Tom wanted to have sex that night and probably decided I was more likely to do it than Amy (who had a boyfriend at the time) so set up the situation and kept giving me the GHB so I would go along with it. My feelings about it were irrelevant to him.

OP,

You can report Tom.
You can tell the police what happened.
You don't have to press charges but you can let them know what he is capable of.

When he does it again, if that woman reports it, it gives the police additional information that he has form.

Unfortunately it sounds as if what he did was absolutely premeditated and I think that means he might well do it again.

What a horrible person.
Amy sounds dim at best.

How long ago did this happen?

Thank you for the support. This happened a number of years ago.

I still have to see Tom regularly. One of my best friends is marrying his brother and I'll have to see him at the wedding. Every time I see him I want to throw up.

Amy and I are still good friends and she is also still friends with Tom. I talked to her about it recently and she was mortified and kept apologising for not believing me at the time.

I don't really know where to go from here.

You poor woman.

What a dreadful excuse Tom is.

Definitely speaking to someone might help you.

I cannot imagine how hard being in his company and circle must be.

I think you should consider the police.

Posted too soon.

Are you feeling angry OP?
What are your emotions?

Yes I'm feeling angry. I've regretted that night so often and had so many 'if only' thoughts. If only I hadn't taken the GHB, if only I'd gone to bed at the same time as Amy. I think talking to Amy about it recently has brought it to the surface and made me realise that I may have made some questionable decisions but he could have left me alone when I was trying to go to bed and he didn't.

I've spent the last few years telling myself 'Tom wouldn't do that' and tried to tell myself I've invented it all in my head and I'm the one with the problem. Or I've told myself that I took the GHB willingly, he definitely didn't spike me, so what did I expect to happen? I knew that GHB makes people want sex.

Then I think to myself 'he was supposed to be your friend' - I took drugs with him because I trusted him.

Waking up naked on the sofa with my top around my neck felt so horrible. The irony is if he'd covered me up and put a blanket over me I probably wouldn't have thought much more of it.

After I'd woken up I remember crying the whole day but just remember telling myself it was a comedown from the drugs.

We have a lot of mutual friends and they all fucking love him.

I wish I never had to see him again.

I would contact him and tell him what you have said here. Tell him you are considering reporting him for rape (even if you don’t). These men need to be told.

@Feelingoktoday

I would contact him and tell him what you have said here. Tell him you are considering reporting him for rape (even if you don’t). These men need to be told.

I really don't think this is well-judged advice. Easy to say when you are not the one who will experience any fall-out. It's extremely unlikely he's going to crumble into dust and beg forgiveness or admit fault, it's far more likely he'll turn it round on OP and tell mutual friends she's gone "bunny-boiler" on him.

If you do ever choose to confront him or go to the police, OP, please get tons of counselling and support with it.

I'm so sorry you experienced this at the hands of someone you should have been able to trust.

Going to the police isn't an option. Too much time has passed. I've been civil with him for years. I missed our friendship at first and tried to make things go back to how they were and was really nice to him. Now I can't stand him.

I have contacted a counsellor and arranged to start some sessions. Thanks everyone for the advice x

Well done OP.