Love bombing - why?

[Hppppsauce]

What’s the reason for love bombing? Can this happen in long term relationships?

To hook you in a relationship. To make you feel bound to them.

Lovebomvong can happen in a variety of context but is commonly used when recruiting someone in a cult and in a potentially abusive relationship.

They make you feel very special and will say all the right things - "You mean the world to me, you're the only woman I truly loved/cared about, I can't live without you." etc in order to put you in their debt.

It is a very manipulative tactic to artificially manufacture a bond with the target to groom them for a controlling situation. I guess in a way, it is grooming.

I think love bombing generally happens at the beginning of a new relationship, not well into a long term one.
No idea why, only that the man wants to ensure the woman is hooked (or the other way around I guess but isn't it usually the man?) Who knows what goes on in some peoples minds.

@xsquared I hadn't thought of it like that, but you are right. Its a sort of grooming. The other person doesnt want to hurt their feelings and feels indebted to them. Jesus thats scary.

I think it can also be a sign of someone’s emotional immaturity rather than something all planned out. They act like lovesick teens and once they feel ‘settled’ with the response they go off the other person as suddenly it all feels a bit ‘real’.

Do you think the person doing the lovebombing knows they are doing it? As in, is it a conscious action?

In my (recent) experience I believe it was emotional immaturity rather than something cynical and designed, although maybe it was a mild case.

The man in question and I really hit it off and had a lot in common and I think he got carried away based on those feelings, then had to pull it back when reality hit him (there were some complicated circumstances he was aware of from the start).

I believe (or choose to believe) he hadn't done this deliberately and i don't hold it against him as the complications were from my side, but the effect was that I felt comfortable to let my guard down and develop feelings for him, trusting what he had said, while he could make up his mind in slower time.

I can see how this fairly simple process happens and why some people may choose to exploit it on purpose as it gives them the upper hand. The response may be 'well keep your guard up' but there is only so much of this you can do if you want a relationship and to let someone in. It's quite difficult.

It can happen when they think their partner might be having a wobble, having their head turned, re-thinking their relationship. It can also happen when they themselves are having their head turned.

@Hppppsauce

What’s the reason for love bombing? Can this happen in long term relationships?

It's really not as conscious as people make it out to be - which, I know, is a rather unpopular opinion here.

I’m in a long term relationship and we’ve had issues and I’ve noticed that when we make up he love bombs me then goes back to normal. I just want a consistent relationship.

Please be careful not to confuse manipulative behaviour with someone just falling a bit too quickly and doing too much to impress. On the surface they'll look exactly the same, but the motivations couldn't be more different. I have a male friend who fits the latter category, and he's far more likely to be manipulated himself than do it to anybody else.

Do you feel he's recognised he's messed up and is trying to make it up to you, or is he trying to silence you and make sure you know your place?

@orf1abc

Oh he definitely recognises that he’s messed up and is trying to make it up to me. I just wish he would keep more consistent. This is what he always seems to do. Full on love bombing then it goes back to normal after a few days, which then makes me feel like “huh”. Especially as I enjoy when he’s loving and affectionate etc then he trails off to his usual standard. I’m very much into words of affirmations, whereas he only is when love bombing. I think i need to look into love languages

OP - I had a similar experience in my recent LTR. Intense love bombing (to the point it felt ‘off’ and too full on) then followed by the ‘meh’/indifference stage….and it was a sign of emotional immaturity (emotional avoidance actually).
The reason love bombing finishes is that they can’t keep it up all the time - it’s fake, it’s energy consuming, it’s unnatural. Once you are hooked back in and they get tired - it’s back to their normal, real persona.
(Also commonly used by ppl with narcissistic traits but then it’s a conscious tactic).

I see what you're saying OP. It's a bit like you telling him "I'd like you to do more of the laundry" and he agrees and does all the laundry over the weekend then never touches it again...
It's unromantic, but love is a behaviour, a habit. It's ongoing work, like laundry, it's not Set and Forget.

@Malena77 he definitely struggles to communicate and to express his emotions etc. I definitely don’t think it’s a conscious narc thing, at all.

@Grimsknee it’s definitely like that, I’d rather go for something in the middle, not either high or low.

[quote Hppppsauce]@Malena77 he definitely struggles to communicate and to express his emotions etc. I definitely don’t think it’s a conscious narc thing, at all.

@Grimsknee it’s definitely like that, I’d rather go for something in the middle, not either high or low.[/quote]
I think he probably won't change without some kind of intervention. The reason I say this is because his attempts to change are really rather child-like: there's the panic, but absolutely no longevity to any changes he makes, which is a sign of regressed behaviour.

So I think you'll either need to accept him as he is; and if you can't, then he'll need to change, or you'll need to choose differently.

I fell for this type of grooming in1996. He wrote me a poem saying he would always be there for me and gave it to in a lovely frame, was always agreeable to my requests. He wrote " you are the love of my life" in my birthday cards. I thought it was corny, but still touching. (However, there was never any real warmth.)
But his actions were a different story: When my first child was a baby and I needed someone to talk to about concerns or worries his mobile phone was always switched off. He spent most of his time away working as a contractor and when home ,was only interested in bonding with his children. I was simply there to provide the support service for all. He deliberately broke things that I showed I liked - a new mower, a child safety gate, a storage box.
Later, when I decided to see what would happen if I talked about my day to the kids instead, he called me a "F*ing bitch" after contradicting every statement I made as if he had been there and knew better (he hadn't). This was in front of a child of 3 years old.

I should have left him at that point but I had no job and my only home was half owned by him, So I stupidly pushed it to the back of my mind and carried on.
This was a BIG mistake and caused me serious psychological harm and loss of self esteem.
Now I am finally free of him (after 21 years) I can become healthy mentally again.

Please beware of this type of manipulation. It can seriously harm your life.