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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Intimacy help for Dad

20 replies

GameofDad · 13/07/2021 15:32

I thought this would be the best place to get real advice from Moms to help me understand my wife best.

Background, 4 kids all young, 6,5,3, 2. Both work full time, mine 9-5 hers 3* 12 hours as a nurse.

We haven't been intimate whist SO is sober in over 3 years. But now even this has stopped. There were always different reasons as to why she said didn't want to. Each one I'd jump through hoops to help fix while trying not to come across desperate. She was so against further pregnancy but also contraception that I had a vasectomy despite only being 26. I wasn't even sure I'd be allowed but I'd have done anything to help the situation.

The current reason is now tiredness. I have resorted to doing every single chore around the house and have been open in saying I'm putting this effort in for this specific reason.

I don't want to come across as a martyr but she often throws it at me she does so much when actually, other than her job which I appreciate is tiring, I do everything else. We're in the rocks because of it and my self esteem is shot. I've put on a hell of a lot of weight since we met. For me, intimacy is a massive part of a relationship but for her it's not. She still finds the time to go out drinking all night though even before a shift, but can't spare 5 minutes of energy for me.

It's all coming to a head and approaching breaking point. Just after some advice that hopefully doesn't go along the lines of leave her because she's the love of my life.

OP posts:
Sillawithans · 13/07/2021 15:51

It's probably your weight gain. I say this kindly.

notthemum · 13/07/2021 15:54

Hi. I think that you really need to have an honest conversation with her. You need to talk about whether she still finds you physically/emotionally attractive. What could be done on both your parts to help with this ?
In all honesty if i was with/married to a partner who did more than their fair share of chores around the home I would be thrilled but not if i thought and definitely not when he told me that he was doing in the hope of a shag. That would at best make me feel obligated and bitter and at worst make me feel like a prostitute.

Could you go on a date night maybe once a month ? Although not use this as a prelude to sex, just go out ? Talking can sometimes seem like the hardest thing in the world but unless you both do this you may find yourself stuck with 4 kids in the future or living alone.
Take time to figure out exactly what you want and go from there. Good luck.

stampo · 13/07/2021 15:55

I think it's just the stage of life you're at. She has a demanding and tiring job then 4 young children who probably take up a huge amount of energy. Then just when work is finished and the kids are sorted... someone else wants something from her. I say this from experience, sex with my husband just felt like yet another chore on my to do list when my kids were small. Now they're older and less demanding I'm interested again. I used to shirk even a hug from him lest he get any ideas.

Original poster
GameofDad · 13/07/2021 16:05

@stampo

I think it's just the stage of life you're at. She has a demanding and tiring job then 4 young children who probably take up a huge amount of energy. Then just when work is finished and the kids are sorted... someone else wants something from her. I say this from experience, sex with my husband just felt like yet another chore on my to do list when my kids were small. Now they're older and less demanding I'm interested again. I used to shirk even a hug from him lest he get any ideas.
This is what sounds mostly like our situation to be totally honest, we have had conversations, I just felt like she told me what I wanted to hear sometimes though. The issue is, I'm pretty damn unhappy and don't want to go back to square one, any advice as to how to improve this.
OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 13/07/2021 16:05

I mean this kindly— if you are hugely overweight she may simply not fancy you in that way. I know it’s not the done thing to say it— but I think she needs to be honest—

Crikeyalmighty · 13/07/2021 16:07

It’s a very awkward thing to say to someone you like and care about

ShinyGreenElephant · 13/07/2021 16:13

I would say its because you're telling her you're only doing housework because you want sex. That would be enough to put me off permanently. Also, if you've put "a hell of a lot of weight" on, she may not find you sexually attractive - personally I don't know how I'd cope if my husband put huge amounts of weight on and I know he would feel the same

Unanananana · 13/07/2021 16:22

@ShinyGreenElephant

I would say its because you're telling her you're only doing housework because you want sex. That would be enough to put me off permanently. Also, if you've put "a hell of a lot of weight" on, she may not find you sexually attractive - personally I don't know how I'd cope if my husband put huge amounts of weight on and I know he would feel the same
Exactly this. Doing the housework isn't doing her a favour. You live there too. You don't get access to her vagina just because you did the dishes.

On the other hand, it seems like her drinking may need addressing. She can't be going into work under the influence.

OverTheRubicon · 13/07/2021 16:22

What are these answers? Trying to imagine a world where a woman came on to say she did all the housework, husband went out all night drinking before a shift but didn't have time for her and would only have sex with her when drunk, and then posters had a go at her about weight gain.Hmm

Assuming there's not a lot more back story, you need to have a frank discussion. If she won't engage, a couple's counsellor can help, it did for us (we did split, but it was a huge relief and made for a better future than keeping things hidden). If she still won't engage, then go by yourself.

You can't change her behaviour but can change yours, and work out your own needs and boundaries.

Unanananana · 13/07/2021 16:24

I'd say the same if the sexes were reversed.

rumrunner123 · 13/07/2021 16:26

I used to shirk even a hug from him lest he get any ideas.

This really.

You say you are honest about doing all the chores around the house to get intimacy off her -so she thinks well you are only doing it because...

When you say intimacy do you actually mean sex? Are you intimate in other ways? As the quote above says, there have been times over the years when I have shied away from allowing dc to even give me a cuddle because I knew that what he actually wanted was sex and I didn't want to feel like shit by turning him down yet again. We talked about this over the years and I understand if he wants a cuddle it just means a cuddle and he knows that if he says this and was then to try and take it further I would feel disrespected and duped by him and hesitant to let him cuddle me again.

We have been married for 15 years and my sex drive is definitely lower than his and always has been but to me especially now I am older and we have been together so long, sex is about when I am relaxed, feeling no pressure and feeling good about myself, then I enjoy it. If I know I am not going to be enjoying it I won't do it.

The current reason is now tiredness. My reason predominately for most of the last 12 months is my 16 YO DSS moved in with us at the start of the pandemic, been in lockdown with 16 YO in house is a firm libido killer. DH doesn't feel the same as me but he understands I would be doing it out of duty and that would be a passion killer for him really.

Also she is a nurse that who is working in a pandemic, even if her hospital is covid free at the moment I have seen first hand the impact of working in the NHS is having on nurses at the moment. You have 4 kids under 7, she works 3 12 hour shifts. Who looks after the younger ones when you are at work from 9-5 and she is not at work?

You say you are not wanting to come across as a martyr but equally some of the stuff you say doesn't come across great either to be honest, especially She still finds the time to go out drinking all night though even before a shift, but can't spare 5 minutes of energy for me that sounds bitter and sex in my experience is very much more than 5 minutes of energy.

If she is the love of your life, arrange a time to sit and talk together properly about what you both think is working in the relationship and not what is not. Not just the sex. If you are 26/27 and she is the same age, looking at the ages she has pretty much been pregnant or recovering from births since she is 19, she has so far spent most of her adult life like this and works FT as well, going out for drinks is no where near the same level of energy required to face the reality of life and pressure.

stampo · 13/07/2021 16:27

I honestly can’t think of any constructive advice, I'm sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear. For me it was just a matter of time. When the days stopped feeling like a treadmill, and maybe importantly when i felt it wasn't expected, i was more likely to say yes to sex.

There was a thread on here before about 'maintenance sex' whereby you do it even if you don't want to just because it's part of being in a relationship. I definitely did this (but as little as possible). However quite often i enjoyed it and then the atmosphere lifted in the house and i was delighted.

I'm sure your wife is very aware of the elephant in the room. I think you might need to wait this one out. Up to you if you're willing to wait.

Haffiana · 13/07/2021 16:28

I would say its because you're telling her you're only doing housework because you want sex. That would be enough to put me off permanently.

Yep, this. This is the most unattractive, unsexy thing that you could possibly do. I would despise you for this.

My partner does housework because it is also his house and he also lives there and he bloody cares what the house looks like AND he is considerate that I am tired. Not because it is a transaction and his way of paying me for sex. That would make me a prostitute and him my john, wouldn't it? How THRILLED I would be in that situation, how SEXY I would find you, eh?

You really have no idea how to woo a woman, have you?

My guess is she has completely gone off you.

rumrunner123 · 13/07/2021 16:28

*DC - so should have been DH Blush

mrswelch · 13/07/2021 16:28

I would give her the space she needs. If she feels sex is 'expected' of her, this will only make her want it less. Some people go through dry spells (parden the pun) and its natural.

VoiceFaceArse · 13/07/2021 16:30

The current reason is now tiredness. I have resorted to doing every single chore around the house and have been open in saying I'm putting this effort in for this specific reason.

That must be a real turn on for her. Confused 🤢

VoiceFaceArse · 13/07/2021 16:31

Yep, this. This is the most unattractive, unsexy thing that you could possibly do. I would despise you for this.

Agreed. It would make my skin crawl.

PearPickingPorky · 13/07/2021 16:43

If my DH had told me that he was doing chores in order to compel me to have sex with him, even seeing him pick up a cup would instantly turn me off. I can't think of anything worse, not least what

She's knackered, she has a full-time job as a nurse, 4 children under 7 (that it sounds like she hadn't intended, from your OP), and now a husband who is constantly mithering for sex, which is the biggest libido-killer going.

Do the chores because it's your responsibility to share the domestic load. She's obviously doing a lot more of the exhausting work of looking after 4 young children while you are working 9-5 each weekday. Start eating more healthily and try to reverse the unnecessary weight gain (she's grown 4 humans in rapid succession, you have not).

And stop pestering her to reluctantly gives in and lets you have sex on her, as that's coercive.

TheFoundations · 13/07/2021 17:20

For me, intimacy is a massive part of a relationship but for her it's not

What does she regard as being important in a relationship?

JustAnotherOldMan · 13/07/2021 17:26

The current reason is now tiredness. I have resorted to doing every single chore around the house and have been open in saying I'm putting this effort in for this specific reason

Oh mate, you need to stop this and get some self respect back, you should be doing the chores around the house because it’s your house, looking after your kids because they are your kids and no other reason.

Sounds a bit like you need to rebalance your relationship, you don’t need to do everything, certainly your share, forget about sex for a while and get to like your self again, and try to be happy for a while

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