Need counselling advice

[Lookingforafuture]

Chronically depressed and aware I need counselling. When I’ve browsed what’s available though, I’ve been dazzled by the options. I don’t have the cash to “shop around” and try a few to work out which works best, so is there anyone with any experience of these things who could help me work out what might be most appropriate?

To keep it brief, I’m male and in mid to late forties. From 30 to early forties had a wonderful relationship with the person who was my best friend. We got married, got a house, had kids. Even my ex would say things were fine. Then three years ago she became depressed, partly because she wanted a career change but didn’t know what and our eldest was diagnosed with SEN and became difficult to handle. I supported as best I could. But another man - one “hotter” than me - told her he fancied her. We had couples counselling in which she admitted I was doing nothing wrong but that the attention this man gave her made her feel “alive” as he was new and fresh. She resented that she couldn’t pursue something that would make her feel like a teenager again. That this lifted her depression but she couldn’t pursue it (fwiw the OM was married at the time too). We still cared deeply for each other and still had a great sex life, but I couldn’t be “new” or someone she could “change their life” (he lived on a housing estate and was unemployed - she felt she could build him up and offer a better life).

She eventually cheated and didn’t hide it as a way to get me to divorce her. I had no choice, so I did. Life for her is now the same as before but he’s now moved in, in my place, and my boys family now includes his kids as step-siblings. They’re all happy. I live in a flat and insisted on co-parenting. I see my kids and have a great relationship, but am aware I’m no longer a part of that core family/nest. I was asked to leave - and that was her right. It’s made her happy and, as she said and I accept, having to consider my feelings and the impact on me, the kids and others would essentially be “emotional blackmail”.

Three years on then, I’ve come to terms with losing her and the OM’s presence. I can even discuss him in a positive light with my kids. What I struggle with is where my life is going. My sense of trust is shot to pieces. I feel incapable of intimacy - experience has told me not that being a good partner isn’t enough. She’s kept and evolved the family set-up - that option isn’t available to me anymore. I’m not even attractive enough to get a FWB/casual arrangement even if I wanted it.

I look back on my old life and just think “that was it - that’s when things peaked” and all I can see is a future of managed decline. I can’t replace what’s gone and there’s no new direction on offer.

This can’t be right, surely? How do I process all that’s happened? I just feel talking won’t change the circumstances and anti-depressants would just numb me and not fix things at their core. Would CBD help? Trauma therapy? Hope you can help.

All I'd say is you should find a psychologist rather than a counsellor. This is a huge generalisation but with counselling you'd likely get more of a 'there there' response (in addition to useful help of course) but with a psychologist it's more analytical. Basically, you'll be more challenged by seeing a psychologist and I think that would do you good.

CBT may help as it challenges your thought processes. It sounds like your perception of your situation is very fixed. Look at other men in your situation who thrive and go on to have other happier relationships, or who thrive alone and focus on different parts of their lives. What makes you any different?

You're right that just talking won't necessarily external circumstances. But it might change internal circumstances. What I notice in your post is how you describe your actions as reactions to her behaviour - "I had no choice". What were the underlying reasons why you felt you had no choice? To me, it looks like she's treated you badly, looking elsewhere and abandoning the relationship once she realised she couldn't change you. You don't sound all that angry about it, and I wonder if moving out and divorcing her is somehow easier or safer than feeling that anger?

Counselling would definitely help you. A good counsellor will be able to help you work through all your feelings and help you make the changes you want to.
Look for an integrative counsellor as they can be good at working in different ways, depending what the client needs.

Thanks everyone, you've all been really helpful.

You don't sound all that angry about it, and I wonder if moving out and divorcing her is somehow easier or safer than feeling that anger?

@semideponent its interesting you say that, because the couples counsellor said something similar! We had one final session booked, however after my ex refused to attend at this point, as she felt she was being "judged". So as not to waste it, I went on my own. And the counsellor actually asked me: "Where is your anger??"

The thing is, I was angry, however my ex made me feel I was being selfish and unreasonable. When I took the counsellor's advice and made her aware of my anger (in a non-violent way), she responded by (a) saying yes, I deserved better and (b) she was sorry it caused me pain but (c) if she allowed herself to be influenced by my anger/feelings it would be submitting to the "emotional blackmail" I described in my OP and that wasn't on.

In the end, I felt I had no choice because any relationship where your forcing someone to stay who doesn't want to be there, is no relationship at all. She made it obvious that it was up to me to make a choice: to either turn a blind eye or file for divorce. Her behaviour was making things toxic and stressing out everyone bar her and the OM: the kids, both sides of the family, mutual friends and obviously myself. Someone had to be the one to end the misery.

Well, you sound emotionally intelligent, which (reading between the lines) is perhaps more than can be said for your ex. Although this makes life harder for you in the difficult situation you're in now, in the long run it stands you in good stead. You sound like a strong, resilient person who has had to cope with rather a lot. It's early days yet. Don't expect to just bounce up from something like this as though nothing happened.

Where YOUR life is going is really in your hands, and perhaps you've only just found the energy to turn your attention to it, instead of just managing your response to hurt. Don't beat yourself up for not having progressed in leaps and bounds. Gently turn up the volume on self-care. If you don't feel "attractive," you could start off by taking steps to improve your self-confidence e.g. taking up some form of exercise. But don't underestimate how attractive intelligence and kindness are.