Couples counselling? Can it work?

[expectinglittlebear]

I have been with my DH for nearly 4 years. We have had our fair share of ups and downs, but our issue is arguing and he can never admit when he is in the wrong.

To start from the beginning, we fell in love straight away and ending up moving in together after 6 weeks (rented) and I have never regretted it. It worked out well for us. After we had been together for about 8 months, I find out that he cheated on me - I found messages on his phone as he was acting really suspicious and found out he has sex with a girl he had been chatting to on his lunch break at work one day. I never found out what day it actually was, or if it was on more than one occasion with this girl, but it destroyed me. I had been cheated on in the past, which he knew and promised me he would never do anything like that etc.. which he then obviously did. He told me the reason he did it was because we had been arguing recently that I didn't earn enough and we were stressing about bills and so he wasn't happy (he never takes blame for anything). I don't think he ever apologised properly, or tried to keep me, or put in effort to show he was truly sorry. Because of the infidelity I went to the clinic to get tested to just be on the safe side, and turns out he had given me chlamydia that he got from this girl, which we then both got treated for. Anyway, long story short, I made the difficult decision to stay with him. The year following that was difficult for me, I was paranoid, had trust issues etc. But, he did treat me well and we were 'happy'. He then proposed at New Years. I had always pictured my life with this man and I was over the moon. Since getting engaged, its like he was a new man. I felt like I could trust him fully, he was putting in a lot of effort, and we were really good.

Last year during the lockdowns etc, we were going through a really difficult time and had a lot of things going on (thats another story). It was a stressful and difficult year for the both of us and we argued on virtually a daily basis. It would be over the stressful things at first, but then it would end up that we would argue over petty things too. I couldn't say anything to him without him getting funny. Anyway, over the last year, he has been putting me down, making comments about my weight (I am not overweight by any means, but not stick thin either), calling me crazy and 'tapped in the head' etc. At the beginning of this year, we started to get better, we were planning our wedding (which was at the beginning of June), we both had good new jobs, earning more and decided to move house. We decided to start trying for kids, something we both have always wanted and are so so excited to have. I know he will be an amazing dad, besides everything else, he is a good man. We ended up moving house in mid May, a week later we find out we are expecting our first child and then at the beginning of june we got married. I honestly felt like I was on cloud nine!!!

After the wedding, and the house move, now everything has settled down and we are back in our 'normal routine' he is kind of going back to his old ways. He never takes the time to listen to me, or ask/understand how I feel, since being pregnant he hasn't really treated me any differently (not that I necessarily expect him too, but he has always blabbed on about 'when you get pregnant I won't let you do a thing etc, I want to be the best dad/husband I can be etc'). I am just nearing the end of the 1st trimester, so it is still early days and I am not whale size just yet, but I have been really struggling with morning sickness, tiredness, having to have naps as I have no energy etc., feeling down and depressed, hormonal and just generally not my usual bubbly self.

I love this man more than anything, and I do feel that I have now truly gotten over his past mistake. He is my world, and I am so excited to have this baby with him. I know we are going to be the best parents. I just want him to listen to me, try to understand how I am feeling, not put me down all the time and to admit when he is wrong - every argument or inconvenience is my fault apparently! If he is in the wrong, he will always twist it so it makes it my fault.

He was abused by his father as a child, and we both think that he is on the autistic spectrum to some degree - he doesn't deal with emotion well. He thinks both of these things are the reason he is the way he is. I understand and have been beyond supportive of him, its just the way he is isn't healthy for our relationship.

Sorry this is a long one!! Long story short though, has anyone been through anything similar and tried couples / marriage counselling? Has it worked for you? If not, what happened? Did things get better, or did you leave?

Just to clarify, we bought a house together 2 years ago, and have just moved to a new bigger one - more of a family home, ready for kids.

I actually had a client who was a relationship coach and she always advocated that people should use this type of coaching in the same way as someone would use a personal trainer or any type of coach to make improvements.

Her experience was that too many people use relationship counselling as the last straw and actually working on your relationship should be something that is continually ongoing.

She always said that it is always good to be able to discuss any parts of your relationship with a third party who can look with an unbiased view from both parties and give expert advice.

Hope that helps.

No, I have not been through similar. My husband has never cheated on me, given me chlamydia and blamed me for it. He has not been verbally and emotionally abusive in the way you describe either:
"he has been putting me down, making comments about my weight (I am not overweight by any means, but not stick thin either), calling me crazy and 'tapped in the head' etc."

My husband has not been unfaithful or abusive, and we have done couple's counselling and found it helpful.

However, couple's counselling is never recommended when the relationship is abusive.

My advice is take of those rose-tinted glasses and LTB.

Or at the very least get some counselling for yourself.

take off

I know we are going to be the best parents. I just want him to listen to me, try to understand how I am feeling, not put me down all the time and to admit when he is wrong - every argument or inconvenience is my fault apparently! If he is in the wrong, he will always twist it so it makes it my fault

Oh Lord, your post has really affected me OP. My H was so like this.
He cannot admit he is wrong either. Everything is my fault. Your H will not change. He will not change. Counselling will not work as he will take that 'I'm never wrong' dynamic into the counselling. You cannot change him . There is nothing you can do, and nothing you can try. I have been there, done it, and it does not work, and it is very. very painful to go through all the trying and hopes and failures.

It WILL get worse when you have a baby. Having a child exposes cracks in the relationship to wide open chasms. A lot of stress will be added to the relationship and all those patterns of behaviour that are difficult for you will be louder and clearer and more present.
And worst, worst of all, the ways he treats you that are so painful, are the ways he will treat your child.

I know you love him OP, but he is just not the man you want him to be and he never will. He does not even want to be that man. He is suiting himself as he is.

My Ex was awful but your is worst. And mine almost destroyed me psychologically.

I'm sorry, but you really need to start shifting your thinking to a life away from this man. It is going to get so much worse.

He sounds horrible op. A relationship counsellor can't make him a nice person and if he doesn't want to take equal responsibility for helping your marriage then it is a waste of time.

H would have been gone when he cheated and have me chlamydia though. A decent person doesn't do this.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. And you are describing multiple times of him abusing you here along with other forms of harm not least of all the STD he gave you. And you're still with him sadly. Denial of how shit your life actually is now is a powerful force indeed.

re your comment:
"we both think that he is on the autistic spectrum to some degree - he doesn't deal with emotion well".

One does not equal the other. He would like you to think he is autistic because that gives him a ready made excuse as to why he treats you like he has done up till now. He does this because he can, he is doing this to you; a woman whose boundaries are so pitifully low they are almost non existent. You've been an ideal target for him.

He is NOT on any spectrum (and thinking this of him shows you have a very poor understanding of what ASD actually is - it is a lifelong developmental disorder) but is infact abusive towards you both mentally and emotionally. He will continue to mess with your head and life so long as you allow him in it. Your marriage is really over now because of the abuse he metes out to you.

Why is your relationship bar this low that you've accepted this from him to date?. Most women would have walked away long before now because of him giving you a STD as well. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your mother get treated similarly by your own father?.

Please face facts and take off your rose tinted spectacles; these are doing you no favours here and bringing a child into this will just create more misery not just for you but for your child who does not warrant or need an abuser for a father.

Do not undertake any form of joint counselling with him under any circumstances. You will have no say and besides which you are not safe enough to be talking about his abuse of you in the same room as he. No decent counsellor would ever want to see the two of you in the same room together besides which abuse is NOT a relationship problem. Its about power and control and this man wants absolute over you completely.

I would recommend counselling for you, individually, to figure out how to deal with this relationship and situation.

Relationship counselling doesn't work when there is abuse and it's also not very effective for autistic people.

www.dralicenicholls.com/why-doesnt-standard-talking-therapy-work-for-autistic-people/?fbclid=IwAR2sEMITqXPFLEXz4TxiGNoggDhpuPXUdmQzL24L88iJqFG5KvKeFxSLGVc

It is possible to be both autistic AND abusive, but autism isn't a valid excuse for abuse, nothing is. Freedom Programme can help you to separate the two.

OP, hope you're okay.

This must be hard to read, hope you're alright OP.

So to be clear
He cheated on you
He cheated on you by having unprotected sex
He did not get tested
He gave you chlamydia
He did not say sorry
He verbally abuses you regularly and calls you fat and crazy
He shows no interest in your well-being even during pregnancy
He tells you everything is your fault and according to him you are always in the wrong

Yes op, that does sound like a great man who will be a great dad.
I’m not really sure what you’re hoping for from counselling. Not abusing someone and giving them stds is something I really expect any partner of mine to have already mastered.

I think you probably should go to individual therapy for yourself because this relationship is just awful and you don’t even know it. I wouldn’t even think about couples therapy until You have worked on the reasons you feel you love somebody who treats you this way.

You sound very nieve. I wish you all the luck however.

I got as far as . We decided to start trying for kids, something we both have always wanted and are so so excited to have.

and was planning on telling you that you should absolutely not have children with this man and then read on and saw that you're already pregnant.

He sounds absolutely awful.
He cheated and he's emotionally and verbally abusive.

I know we are going to be the best parents.
People can be good parents technically, but if the children are raised in a toxic home environment then that will harm the child.

You've had 2 serious rough patches (that you have mentioned) in a relationship that hasn't even reached the 4 year mark...and you're about to bring a child into that environment, that's extremely worrying.

I'm not sure if counselling will work or not, as a pp said relationship counselling is not recommended with an abuser.

I think you should go for individual counselling, and if you are determined to give the relationship a shot then you should expect him to go to therapy for himself too.

If he doesn't commit to change and he doesn't actually follow up with actual permanent change then you need to make a commitment to yourself and your baby that you'll leave. Don't let this be your life!

OP, this Abuser is a shit Husband and Father. He treats your trust, boundaries, feelings, health and opinions with utter contempt. He enjoys putting you down, blaming & belittling you, calling you names, and blanking your viewpoint.

Regarding his cheating/infecting you, he is totally without remorse or empathy. He never apologized or took full responsibility. He never even provided the full story. He will cheat again.

Forget couples counseling. He would manipulate the therapist and the sessions. You, however, would greatly benefit from individual counseling to investigate why you have settled for and tolerated being treated so abysmally.

OP, you are doing yourself and your baby a great disservice by staying in such an emotionally/verbally brutal environment. I truly hope you will formulate an exit strategy.

OP if your friend told you her partner was treating her like this but insisted that he was a good man then what would you think???

Picture a good man you know, a man who you think is a good family man....now imagine him cheating on his partner and he wasn't even sorry, then imagine him commenting on her weight and calling her crazy, imagine her crying , just wishing he'd stop putting her down, listen to her, stop blaming her for everything and so on...

Your opinion of him would change completely. You wouldn't see him as a good man.