Can you ever 'come back' from being seen as needy?

[MackenzieT]

When a guy perceives that you've been too needy for him, is there a way of changing his perception? I put 'seen as needy' in the title as I think we've possibly all been in those relationships where we were totally incompatible and it drove us a bit mad, and I don't think wanting basic respect and communication is needy personally, although some guys would have you think so for sure.

But I guess what I mean is - has a guy ever said you were too needy and you managed to make yourself more attractive to him again or is being 'needy' once the kiss of death? Surely no one plays the cool hard to get girl 100 percent of the time, aren't we people with complications and lives?

For context, I've just come out of something where I was apparently too needy for wanting more than a weekend relationship and to meet his friends after a YEAR of being together. Now I'm scared for future relationships that i'll come across as too much.

Those weren’t relationships.
You won’t be too needy for the person that is actually interested in having a relationship.

Yeah...you’re looking at this the wrong way.

You weren’t needy. You just wanted an actual relationship with someone who values you and thinks the world of you and is worthy of your love and affection.

He wasn’t it. He was the problem; your wants and needs were incompatible with him, because he didn’t actually want to be in a proper loving relationship with you.

You’re not too much. He was too little.

I wouldn’t want to be more attractive to him ever again, and you need to work out why that’s what you’re focusing on from this experience.

What you should be telling yourself is ‘good riddance, never again! I’m going to find a man who actually values me and wants to be with me, so I don’t have to beg for crumbs.’ Not trying to figure out what you can do to be different so that you’ll be attractive to the same type of shitty man in the future.

That wasn’t needy. It would be normal with the right person as they’d want the same.
Looking back I wasted too much time when younger trying not to appear “ needy” and seem ‘ cool girl’ , wasted so much time pretending I didn’t want a close,committed relationship . Maybe it’s better to be completely yourself then if it ends quickly you’re free to meet someone who is looking for the same things.

That wasn't about you being needy. That was about him being an arse.

Yeah, he was a twat by the sounds of it.

When I had been dating DH for only a short time - less than 6 months for sure, I got a horrible bug that turned into a chest infection. He lived a good hour away. I looked like shite and felt like shite, and I was living alone… so I texted him and asked him to come and keep me company because I needed him. I was so scared he would think I was being ‘needy’… he arrived an hour and a half later. We’ve been together for ten years this year.

The right person won’t think your needy. They’ll need you, and you’ll need them. And that will be fine with both of you.

*you’re! The shame!

When someone says you're needy (or over sensitive, or over reacting etc), what they're essentially saying is 'You are being too needy for me'

They don't have the right to decide what the objectively 'correct' level of neediness is. Everybody is 100% the right level of 'needy' for themselves. If you think your levels of needy are right for you, nobody can challenge you on that.

So, if someone says you're too needy, view them in the same way as you would if they criticise anything about you that you're happy with. You don't change yourself to suit them, in this situation; you tell them to sling their hook, and take their negative judgement of your personality with them.

I think with the right person, the 'little things', which include occasional neediness, don't matter. But you definitely weren't being needy anyway asking for that after that long.

@MackenzieT

Actually, it was him that was too 'needy', not you.

He 'needed' a partner who was OK with being 'compartmentalized' or 'kept secret' and kept away from his friends and family, and that wasn't you

So glad you won't be seeing that 'needy fucker' again !

@updownroundandround this is a brilliant framing. i'm going to use this going forward!!!

It’s not needy to want your relationship to be recognised. For me, I would consider someone ‘needy’ if they wanted constant contact/called multiple times a day or something like that.

He basically only said you were needy to make his own rubbish effort seem like your fault for wanting too much.

Unless you have form for demanding constant contact , texts etc which you clearly don't then you have to realise that the neediness in this is a HIM problem, not you. He must have very poor self esteem to feel that wanting any more than a weekend relationship with him is an act of neediness. Why should you not want to spend time with him if he's a good partner? That's completely natural. So he must either consciously or sub consciously know he's not a good partner and rather than be better, he projects that on you and paints it as neediness. It's not your issue and you should spend 0 time and energy trying to change his mind. He's going to think this about every woman until he finds one with who treats him even worse than he treats them at which point he will fall in love and toxic bells will ring across the nation to celebrate that union!!

So he must either consciously or sub consciously know he's not a good partner and rather than be better, he projects that on you and paints it as neediness.

That KNOCKED me off the couch - he constantly said he's a terrible person and has nothing to offer someone - I thought (rescuer ahoy!) that I could help him overcome this level of self-loathing but I am finally having the veil lifted. Really starting to think this wasn't me - a close friend of mine said: 'Guess what? Crazy-making behaviour - it makes you crazy' I think that happened.