Need advice - what to do / how to deal with Jekyll and Hyde - long post sorry!

[aaaargh]

Hi,

My DH and I have been together for about 10 years, we were mates before we got together. He is a real Jekyll and Hyde character. Most of the time he is an amazing friend and husband: Fun, caring, supportive etc, but every now and then he turns into a real nasty piece of work and can be quite emotionally abusive.
And it is always kicked off by things that are so small, most couples wouldn't even bother arguing abut them. Usually it is something I have done, he is very critical of me. What really gets to me is that he never considers my intentions, that does not matter to him. For example, on Friday night DS was up late screaming from teething, and the only thing that was calming him down was me holding him, so I gave in and sat with him watching telly. I had told DH that I had work to do and he should go out with his work friends if he felt like it, he has been really good lately rushing home to put DS to bed and I thought he would like a night off. Anyway, so he came home and Ugly Betty had just come on. DS had been sitting quietly and when the really camp character appeared he took his dummy out his mouth and said "dada". I thought it was funny and said "yes yes that is your gay dad!". DH took huge offence to this but instead of saying he did not think it was funny he said something about "hitting me around" and started shouting at me and saying all sorts. I thought that was an outrageous reaction and said he should not threaten to hit me - especially in front of our son. I tried to explain that I meant no offence I thought it was funny but he seems to think I was saying I thought he was gay!!!!! (uuuuuh, why would I marry someone I thought was gay?) But my explanations were unlistened to and he kept on and on and started really slagging me off: I am fat, ugly, stupid etc etc. He said I am lucky to have him and nobody would touch me with a barge pole if I was single.Then started saying he wished he hadn't bothered coming home, doesn't want to be with me anymore etc. Next day I tried to talk to him and apologised for offending him but he just kept at me and has now told me he wants to leave me, that he feels I am holding him back. He also said I should F off back to where my family lives, he will even buy me the air ticket!
Now this is not the first time this has happened, it happens quite regularly
Luckily I have a fairly high sense of self worth and although I have days when I feel brow beaten I am generally OK.
He has made such a huge issue about my weight: my goal is to lose 15kgs and I have now lost 5 so I am not doing too badly.
Bottom line is he thinks he is too good for me.

So, what to do? He is not going to change, he has a terrible temper and it quite often lands him in trouble. Do I accept that and move on, or do I try and fix it yet again because 98% of the time he is so lovely?

After these fights he tells me he doesn't mean what he says and he says things out of anger, but I think he must mean them? But I don't understand how you can tell someone you love them one week, and then make them feel so worthless the next? I don't want my son growing up thinking that this is normal behaviour, but he is SUCH a great father the rest of the time I would hate them to not be together every day. DH's parent, by the way, are both alive but not in his life - they are both incredibly selfish and not good parents so I do understand that a lot of this is learnt behaviour and I do feel sorry for him in that respect.

Sorry for the long post, it is just good to put it into words.....

aaargh, it is aaargh. will post tomorrow when I've got a brain on, thinkin gof you.

thank you! Good to knw someone out there is hearing me!
x

aaargh - If he can't commit to trying to make it better, it is not a good sign. Perhaps some time apart will give you both time and space to think more clearly? Sending you all the best.

he can't say he wants it to work.
But he can say he doesn't want it to fail.
Does that make sense?

Sorry I missed you last night AAAAArgh.

"I know I will be posting a virtually identical post in a few months time"

You have to seriously think if you feel the relationship is worth putting up with this constant heartache if you genuinely feel it isn't going to get any better.

Does he actually realise how low you are feeling at the moment. If he doesn't think this is rock bottom I'm not sure how it can get much worse - from your point of view anyway.

Reading your posts it seems that you seem to be doing all the running whereas he is reluctant to commit to anything and is just leaving you hanging by a thread.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings but have you considered that he might just be acting this way because he knows he can get away with it.

As Swedes said, maybe some time apart will allow you to put things in perspective and work out if this relationship is what you want from the future.

aarrgghhh There is a threads section on the website I gave you of people who parent with a bdp partner, sure you will find help there too.

This article may shine a light on his commitment to therapy.

This article is how to help someone with bpd (undiagonsed as well)

Also have you found that when you try to walk away he does all he can to hold on to you? That is part of it all...

I have a bit of personal experience of BPD, my mother seems to have some of the signs, such as snappy/irritability, blowing up for no reason, frightened of abandonment, but then crys and begs for you to stay if you leave.

A couple of books that could help are 'walking on eggshells' and 'i hate you, don't leave me'. Link here. Both titles you should immediately understand!

So hope you can find the help you need.

hugs
allyxx
PS well done for losing 5kgs...takes some committment and will power!

A

I think the ambivalence is very hard to deal with.

I don't know anything really about BPD so won't comment too much on that.

But FWIW I have had similar sitch in past with DP. He isn't BPD - he was genuinely ambivalent about whether he could actually stick with the carnage that was our relationship without disintegrating himself.

But with your partner, it sounds as though there are many other issues - the verbal abuse etc.

and the note sounded a little as if he was 'playing' the role of a separating father, rather than it being his own life - do you see what I mean? As if he doesn't know what he feels, perhaps doesn't feel very much at all?

I agree with Swedes that some distance would be a good thing.

Perhaps this would allow both of you to decide what you really do want.

It would possibly enable you to do less of the running too.

Hope this helps, thinking of you.

aaarrgghh, I completely understand what you are going through. You have described my relationship as it was two years ago. My dh was diagnosed by our councelor as bpd. It took him a while to accept it and still will not actually admit he is, but through counceling he learned why he behaves the way he does. It does not only apply to flying of the handle and screaming and shouting etc it affects all the decisions he makes on a daily basis. The biggest thing that has help us if that I now know the real reason why he misbehaves and I now dont take it personally. I dont get upset when he says hurtful things in an argument, i dont fight back, play games or try to manipulate, I just tell him he is wrong and within 10 minutes he is apologising and I an genuinly accepting the apology and forgiving him for it.

we of course still have stesses, arguments disapointments but because we now know what we mean to each other the stress or problem is addressed instead of pushed on to each other.

i hope this helps to understand that it is possible to live with and love someone who has bpd BUT you HAVE to go to counceling.

thank you ALL so much for your messages, it never fails to astound me how people you have never met before can give you such great support.

I am thinking time apart may be good, but I dont want our friends involved in this....

Ally90, I will read those threads in a bit, just have some things to do now, they sound promising.

BritTex, it sounds like not admitting it is one of the symptoms. I realise now it is not me, but I need to get to you point, I might need to gt some tips fom you.

thanks again
x

sorry, Brit Tex, do you mean marriage counselling?

Ok Aaargh?

oh arrgh that is absolutely horrible. what a bastard. and what a horrible way to break up with your partner, if that's indeed what he's doing - i'm guessing you don't know if it's final. i know you're probably not ready to even contemplate it, but i think you are in a prime position here to make a new life for yourself and your child - if that's what you want.(?)

Aarrgghh? bump!

hi....
well he is home and making a big effort: trying to be the loving caring husband! Wanted me to get a baby sitter tomorrow night so that he can take me out to dinner. I am, understandably, feeling cautious and holding back. But I read those pages posted by Ally90...very interesting, and as much as I understand that his problem causes this ,I have also realised that I also play a role in the repeated pattern.
He has promised to go to counselling, and I wonder what is best: couples counselling or individual counselling for him? I dont know if I have the strength to go.
I feel exhausted by this!

Dreamt last night about an ex-crush of mine tho

Thanks for posting, was wondering how things were with you!

I'm not sure what to say...he does need councelling to help him with his issues. He needs to get a handle on it all to be a good enough dad and a good enough dh - consistantly without the threats and yelling. Not sure about doing the two councelling things tandem. Anyone any experience?

Glad things have settled down, but be wary of any excuses of not going to councelling. Problem is you can't force it...he could go and do nothing with his time. Suppose its a wait and see .

As for the dream...well no harm in it...and understandable really! Never had hassles with a crush yet!

xx

I wouldn't stay with him if he said that to me TBH. The fact that he even mentioned 'hitting you around' means the thought has entered his head.

Hi

I couldnt leave this post without posting. my dh is very much like this and your post matches what i go through almost word for word, thought the link was sot on.

DH is fine alot of the time, but when he has these 'episodes' it is like he is a dift person and stuff he says is very hurtful, over the top and destructive to our mariage. whenhe threatens to leave ver some minor incident, i used to beg and plead him to stay - remembering that most of the time he is fine - but last couple of times the fight has left me and I no longer want me to stay when he is being so difficult and unreasonable, and imo indifference is a very dangerous thing, you almost shut down emotiionally to it, then he is back to normal and i Think I have imagined the total outburst. This is clearly a type of illness and intersting to see that there are other dh's like this.

Anway, just wanted to say i symathise and it is really tough at times, sorry I cant offr any advice as five years down the line I still havent found the best solution... let us know hoe you are

sorry about spelling, wiggly ds on my lap

thanks, Lupo.
I know what you mean, each time it happens in chips away a little at your wanting to make it work!
He has agreed to counselling, we spoke about it again last night. Scared to say he does have BLP until it gets diagnosed, but I think that website has helped him, because it has made him realise it is an "illness" and although from what I have read it is notoriously difficult to treat, it is possible. I think DH hates himself so much when this happens, and he wants to fix it. As someone said I will have to wait and see.
It is tough.
We should keep in touch, Lupo

That's a step forward! If he can acknowledge he has a problem. Note on the website it does not say 'impossible', just difficult. FWIW I at times seem to tick boxes for BPD. But being away from my family has helped immensely and being aware of it (constantly) helps. When I feel mad I just tell dh I have to be alone for a while and do so! And work out rage and frustration and irritation by hitting a few pillows. I go to counselling, never been diagnosed with it, seen as a negative label. But I can still read the sypmptoms and tick the boxes!...that and for being narcissistic, and paranoid...and obcessive compulsive apart from that I'm fine . TBH everyone could tick a few or a couple of those personality disorders. Esp if you have been abused in the past as I was. I think that helps in a way because you know the origin of it all was not your fault and that you are now responsible for your own behaviour.

Pleased things are a bit clearer for you now. And there's that small step forward for your dh to acknowledge it...but make sure he does not use it as an excuse for any further behaviour ie i can't help it.

Keep posting xx

thank you Ally...
Funny thing is I always joke that DS has "got a touch of DH's obsessive compulsiveness"!!! He lines his cars up in neat rows!
DH does tick many of the boxes but not all, nowhere near as bad as his mother.

I hope he can oneday see it coming and take those steps needed....
x

He will be able to see it coming...it just takes time to change behaviours you've had for many years. Maybe have a signal system for when you feel he's taken an issue far enough? Suggest he go for a walk (to burn off his fury) then come back when calmer and discuss it. Agree this with him before his next blow up. Its respectful towards you and your ds, and gives him a chance to get his feelings under control...and as a bonus he will feel better about it all as he did walk away and not take his anger out on you two. Its a stop gap til he can really control his anger.

My mother too checks some boxes for borderline and narcarssitic. I seem to caught her moods and mannerisms somewhat, sometimes I copy her when under stress. My dh does point this out to me when I do it and it gives me a real jolt because the last thing I want to do is give my dd the childhood I had and treat my dh the way she treated my dad. But there again I know my dh would walk away if I did start doing that. He has a backbone unlike my father!

Not sure what to say about the horrible things he has said to you. Does he acknowledge and fully understand just how hurt you feel over them? And genuinely apologised? Because no matter what was wrong with my dh, I'd still feel angry and hurt about it. There again if your still working things out... you may not wish to discuss yet.

And as for your son taking after his dad, worry not!. Perfectly normal!

oh wow!Ally, you are a star!!
x

which bit...! ds i'm guessing...I worry about dd massively...ie sleepless nights!

yes, I mean you have helped me with not 1 but 2 issues!
I dont think you have anything to worry about with DD. You sound like you are in control, as well as informed about it, and that is a great thing.

Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing!