Worried about DH being faithful

[smileanddance]

I can't sleep as worrying about this so thought I would post and hopefully get some advice from the wise people of Mumsnet!

Background - Recently had a baby, no sex or intimacy with DH for nearly a year due to a horrible pregnancy/birth/baby that doesn't sleep .Due to lack of sleep me and DH arguing a lot and things aren't great. We both know this is due to tiredness which won't last forever but there js still ZERO intimacy between us at the moment and we aren't even sleeping in the same room due to baby waking so much.

Problem - DH starts a new job soon working in a small team. I happened to look up his team mate on LinkedIn just to be nosey and discovered her to be extremely attractive and 'his type on paper'! DH has already met her too and mentioned she was single so I already knew that. He failed to mention how gorgeous she is!!
Based on the current state of our relationship I am feeling really uneasy about this. DH has always been faithful but is a very attractive man who has always had admirers. I feel pressurised now to start having sex again but hating my post partum body and my boobs are leaking so just don't feel sexy at all.
I don't know whether to mention to DH how I'm feeling or just leave it. If our relationship was in a good place then I wouldn't be worried as I do trust DH, but it's really not at the moment (temporary I hope!) and has got me worried

I doubt you’d have felt better if he told you she was gorgeous! And maybe he doesn’t think she is.

Talking more, honestly, about how you’re both feeling, sounds essential. Does he know you’re feeling weird about your body? Are you both avoiding the competitive tiredness game? Is he pulling his weight with the baby and your home?

What would happen if you resolved to both make an effort to chat a bit, not about work or baby stuff, to make time to have a decent a couple of times a day?

I doubt he’s planning to cheat on you and you shouldn’t be rushing to have sex if the non sex intimacy isn’t there right now. But you do owe it to each other and your child to try and connect however you can. Not because of some random woman. But because it’ll make life a bit sweeter.

Talk to your husband. Don’t mention him being unfaithful, but do tell him honestly how you’re feeling, what you need and how between you it could happen.

I'm sure your husband would be reassured to know that you still love him, and find him attractive, even if sex is off the cards at the minute.
He won't know that, unless you tell him.

Good advice thanks!
Yes sadly we are in the competitive tiredness stage at the moment. He is very hands on and does pull his weight, but just likes to moan about it a lot too!
We have had loads discussions about being kinder to each other but it only usually lasts a few days before another argument erupts.
I have been trying to give him hugs and kisses but he just seems quite cold.
I do need to sit down and discuss in a non argument setting. We are not spending any quality time with each other at all really as
I try and nap when he's home and am just too tired to have a proper conversation. He did say in our last argument that all I talk about it the baby, but I don't have anything to talk about at the moment! I am worried he just finds me biting now and isn't attracted to me anymore. He would deny that if I asked but I do worry that's how he feels deep down

*boring

Perhaps he doesn't want to kiss and cuddle if it's not going to lead to more?
Maybe he is being respectful of your lack of sex drive by steering clear?

Do you have anyone who can watch the baby for a few hours so you both can have a break together?

How did her being single even come up as a topic?

Would you have felt better if he said she was single AND gorgeous? I doubt it!
I wouldn’t pressurise yourself to have sex if you aren’t ready. Agree with pp you need a date night/slot. Just spend time together, enjoy each others company again.

@Sampafie

How did her being single even come up as a topic?

Seems a strange thing to say and know. Did she volunteer this?

Thats what I think too. Maybe its normal but I cant recall ever discussing my private life with any of my bosses, or male colleagues ever before. I wouldnt even respond if asked that question, just play deaf and tactfully change the subject. Its nobodys business?!
find it very odd- you do keep reading about such things on MN though, and I thought Id just ask

The reason he knew she was single was because he started talking about the football with her and she made it very clear in a non obvious way that she was. He didn't actually say to me 'she is single', he just repeated the conversation and it was very obvious that she is.
I took your advice and spoke to him about how I'm feeling today. He says he feels a bit awkward around me when I do show affection. as it's been so long since we have done anything sexual. He also said I had nothing to worry about with his new job and any women he works with (I didnt mention her specifically), he said he can control himself, I just need to control my jealousy.
I feel gutted we've just left it this long and I hope we can get our spark back. It's crazy how quickly a year can pass you by.
I'm not even sure where to start with starting to be intimate again; he's right it does feel awkward

I always had loads of milk so we had sex with me wearing my nursing bra and pads - sexy or what !!! Boobs were just out of the question while I was BF.
You need to bring basic touching back first. Welcome him home with a kiss and a hug, that sort of thing, just to get you back into being comfortable with each other. Go from there.
Make the effort to go out without baby, even if it’s just for a coffee. Get back to being a couple. The first time I left my oldest I went to the pictures, straight there and back, and left a bottle but she slept the whole time I was gone.

The longer you leave it, the harder it gets ,(no pun!) . Try to push past the awkward feeling, it'll only feel a little awkward initially.
I never tackled the issue with my ex DH and we had a sexless marriage for years....he then had a very long affair and I was also craving attention and tempted by other men. I didn't look at him in a sexual way for a long time, basically because we let it slip and didn't deal with it.

Try to take some time for yourselves, make it a priority and rope in a grandparent or friend for babysitting.

@smileanddance I fully understand how your feeling my LO is one now I also had a horrible pregnancy lots of bleeding etc so didn't want to chance anything so me and Dh didn't sleep together and since having baby we had sex twice, we don't sleep in the same bed as he get up very early for work and I'm always tired, there is no affection shown to each other, I don't even feel I get a conversation from him unless he asking me where something is or if I can do something for him,

@smileanddance Regardless of this work woman,why can't you start up intimacy or sex with your DH? Sitting there being jealous yet not actually actioning prioritising your relationship is totally non-sensical. You're past the newborn/very small baby stage. Your marriage doesn't stop just because you've had a child, you both need to work on it otherwise in time it will fall apart under pressure (which will also deeply affect your child, so working on your marriage is one of the best things you can also do for him/her). Intimacy is a vital part of any relationship.

Honestly start small maybe get closer on the sofa have a small cuddle hold his hand etc if feeling brave enough sneak into his bed for a cuddle while baby’s asleep you both need to get over the first awkward part and then it will all happen naturally

@smileanddance this page has practical advice near the end on how to work on relationship while dealing with challenges of young baby: www.seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/16/keeping-your-relationship-strong-during-postpartum-depression

Things will get better

It's really easy/normal to lose intimacy when you have a small baby OP and it can absolutely be fixed so please don't worry. You've opened a dialogue with DH now and that's the first step, make sure it stays open and talk to each other about how you're feeling, just that creates more intimacy than you'd think, even without anything physical. And it will make moving on to the physical (when you're ready) a lot easier if you're already emotionally closer and understand each other's awkwardness.

PP's have made good suggestions about the next steps but it will require some effort from both you and DH for a little while until things become more natural again, you kind of have to agree to ride out the awkwardness and do it anyway But it does become natural again, quicker than you'd think so it's worth the effort ime.

Your feelings about the work colleague just sound like a symptom of the distance between you atm and will hopefully melt away as you get closer again, especially as you say you do trust him. For now though you just have to remind each other that you're on the same side and wanting the same things, and then figure out how you get there together