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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Grandmother died, nc with dad

13 replies

MoanaMammoth · 12/07/2021 22:36

This evening I got the sad news my Gran has passed away. She was an amazing lady and even though expected it feels like a bit of a shock. I am full no contact with my dad and want to remain that way but don’t know what to do in terms of acknowledging this with him. I feel I should send condolences in some form (it was his mother), maybe a card but don’t want to create a dialogue or give the wrong idea I want further contact. I don’t know if it is worse to not say anything at all or to send a message with no intention of any follow up contact? Has anyone else been in this position? I think it is probably a lose lose situation but thought I’d ask.

OP posts:
pegboardsu · 12/07/2021 22:51

What do you hope to achieve?

pegboardsu · 12/07/2021 22:51

And... (pressed post to soon)

Sorry for your loss Thanks

FuckUcuntychops · 12/07/2021 22:55

I wouldn’t. You’re NC for a reason. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Tulips15 · 12/07/2021 22:56

So sorry for the loss of your gran.

Dp was no contact with his Df.
Dp grandad passed away and Dp wamted to make contact as didnt want to cause his gran any further upset at the funeral.
Dp emailed his Df a nice message .
The reply was cold hearted and yhe thought of Dp unappreciated .
When Dp gran then passed, nc was made from DP to his Df.
Dp was ignored at both funerals.

Personally, I wouldnt contact your father.

Original poster
MoanaMammoth · 12/07/2021 23:10

Thank you for the replies. I didn’t hope to achieve anything really. It just brings up all those feelings of i must be a horrible person to not say something when his mother has died. You are right though I am Nc with good reason so best just keep it that way. Think I just feel emotional and muddled about the ‘right’ thing to do.

OP posts:
Ariela · 12/07/2021 23:25

Flowers Sorry for your loss

One thing you could do is contact the funeral director and write a general message of condolence or a tribute to your gran, or even a note accompanying a donation to charity in your gran's memory. This message can be indirect, but acknowledge the loss in general terms (rather than specific to your dad on losing his mum). These days they often have an online book of condolence you can contribute to as well. The FD will pass any messages contributed, plus details of any charitable donations made in honour of your gran to the family members organising the funeral but it's like a 3rd party service so it's not coming from you directly. Would that work for you?

Onthemaintrunkline · 13/07/2021 03:37

@Ariela

Flowers Sorry for your loss

One thing you could do is contact the funeral director and write a general message of condolence or a tribute to your gran, or even a note accompanying a donation to charity in your gran's memory. This message can be indirect, but acknowledge the loss in general terms (rather than specific to your dad on losing his mum). These days they often have an online book of condolence you can contribute to as well. The FD will pass any messages contributed, plus details of any charitable donations made in honour of your gran to the family members organising the funeral but it's like a 3rd party service so it's not coming from you directly. Would that work for you?

This, this is the way I’d do it, make it a loving tribute towards your Gran, without any reference to your Father. The funeral director will be able to advise. Hoping your memories bring very real comfort.
Original poster
MoanaMammoth · 13/07/2021 06:10

@Ariela this is a good idea - thank you! Thanks for the thoughts all. Hadn’t even thought about the funeral but as my dad lives in a red list country I’m not sure he’d be able to come anyway.

OP posts:
RedBonnet · 13/07/2021 17:46

I was nc with a family member for many years. They suffered a tragic loss, I wrote a letter with condolences. Stayed nc for many more years, then another family tradegy brought us back in touch. We're fine now, and I'm glad I made the effort to write the letter. You never know what the future will bring.

My thoughts are with you op FlowersFlowers

mindutopia · 13/07/2021 17:56

If you are NC, I would stay NC. I am NC with my mum. I can't really imagine who would need to die for me to want to engage with her again.

MidnightSilence · 13/07/2021 18:50

@mindutopia

If you are NC, I would stay NC. I am NC with my mum. I can't really imagine who would need to die for me to want to engage with her again.
Likewise.
ThePurplePalace · 13/07/2021 19:03

Hello, I have been in this position and I sent a condolences card. Very short message. Tbh, I did it more for me than me but I’m glad I did.

ThePurplePalace · 13/07/2021 19:03

*for me than him

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