DH and his parents

[MilkMonitor]

Just had a huge row with DH about where we're staying for Christmas. Our families live 150 miles away in the same town.

His family are Jewish. We stay with them for two nights out of three at Rosh Hashanah. At Christmas, I expect the reverse to happen for my family.

We're also going away for five days with his parents in February.

DH is screaming and yelling, saying he 'needs' to see his family (we're also going there for the whole day on Boxing Day - totted up hours and it probably works out about 3 hours more for my family), that I prevent him from seeing them and that he doesn't want his son to see him like this.

I am . I told him it's his choice to react the way he is in front of his son (he's hysterical) and that there are no daughters-in-law I know that are willing to go away with their PIL. I don't like them very much as people. His mother in particular is unpleasant, always making nasty comments to me so this could well be the last time we go away with them.

I feel like he's always pushing for more and more when it comes to his parents.

He always reacts like this when it comes to making family arrangements and when he thinks his parents don't get quite as much time as he thinks they should. I'm very conscious about dividing time as equally as possible.

I don't understand. He's 32 years old. A grown man but he behaves as if he's an eight year being separated from his parents. The only huge rows we've had have been about his parents and how I've wanted them to back off. He has been violent once about his parents when I suggested ground rules to curb their interference. This was three years ago.

What can I do? This reaction to me is not normal and I think it will continue until his folks pass away. Then what will happen? Will he have a nervous breakdown?

Point 1 - the violence indicates that he is not capable of being rational about his parents and if it hap[pens again I would call the police and have him charged.
Point 2 - he can see them as much as he like, however there is nothing to say he needs an escort, ie you, to go with him.

I would suggest you treat the subject of his parents as the whispering of the breeze - warn him you won'#t be drawn into a discussion about them, then don't.

well said colditz

i think Colditz has summed it up perfectly

if he wants to see his parents, he can!

you are also going away with them for 5 days in February - think you are going above and beyond judging my his behaviour

But how can I get him to start putting what I want first? It's not like I'm looking to exclude his parents or anything like that. He always seems to put them first.

if he is the sort of person that gets violent WRT his parents i think you may need some outside help

has he always been like this?

FWIW, i am Jewish - Rosh Hashanah is a big deal and i guess Xmas is the equivalent for your family.

The fact you stayed for 2 days for ROsh Hashanah means he should do the equivalent for your family at Xmas - there shouldn't be an argument about it

You can't make him put what you want first, yo can'#t change anything he does or however he reacts. All you can changeis the way you choose to deal with it.

Sorry.

Are you and Milkmonster one and the same?

MM

I have the same problem with my husband (without the violence). His parents are abroad and we see them more than mine who live 2 hours away from us. The vast majority of my annual leave is spent goig to the pils and he puts their needs first.

Colditz is right - you can't make him put you first.

I too was on the end of a really nasty hissy fit when I suggested ground rules when mil came to visit when ds born. I was told to piss off, I wasn't told when she coming or leaving and it was not nice. I've got them coming for Christmas and I haven't been told when they arrive/leave so I can't plan my time (they can't look after themselves here).

I posted in a panic when my husband informed me he was taking our 17 month old ds abroad to pils for 10 without me. I really fought on that one (the law was on my side) and he went alone. I go alone with ds to my parents when I can.

You must fight too. He can go to his parents alone. As you can go to yours alone too.