He has older children... will he want more?

[doIkeepgoing]

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man since the beginning of the year. He is everything that I have been searching for in a partner, and we've both committed and become exclusive to one another. We are not living together yet but he has mentioned it as a possibility when the time is right. So it seems to be moving in the right direction. My only concern is that he already has older children, they are 14 and 11. He is 41 and I am 35. I would love to get married and have children. I have had the conversation with him and made it very clear that having children is a deal breaker for me. When I asked him about this he said that he'd be open to more children with the right woman. He's also brought up the topic a few times himself, asking me if I definitely want more children, how many I think I would want etc. So it at least seems to be playing on his mind...

I guess my insecurity comes from the fact that I am questioning whether a 42 year old man, with two children who are getting to an independent stage, would want to start all over again. I know it's entirely dependent on the individual, but has anybody been in or know anyone who has been in this situation? I feel at 35 I don't have time to waste with the wrong man. This is the only thing that is causing me to have anxiety about our relationship, which is otherwise great.

Some do, some don't.

Some were rubbish dad's the first time round and are also rubbish the second.

Some are rubbish the first time round and then make a better job of it the second.

Some see having one children as the price you pay for having a younger woman but expect you do do everything.

Some...

Well, you get the point. There isn't one single answer and no guarantees. All you can do is talk to him and decide whether or not you believe him/accept what he is saying.

has anybody been in or know anyone who has been in this situation?

Me, 45, with an 11yo. GF 36. Been together over 12 months. We've been open about the possibility from the early days and a couple of months ago had the conversation about actively trying. Keep talking.

It’s a positive sign you are both thinking and openly communicating about the subject. How are the finances? Will having a baby significantly impact your lifestyles/his other children’s?

My husband had an 11 and 13 year old sons, and was 43. I was 39 and definitely wanted kids. One can make assumptions. I didn't know when to mention it but he did on our third date! He asked if I wanted kids, I said yes and held my breath, he said he always wanted a girl - phew! We had to try twice to get the girl though!
He's said he's open to it, you've talked about it...so if the rekationship continues I think that's a yes.

If he's only mentioning moving in together as a 'possibility' when the time is right then he doesn't sound 100% sure about the future with you yet so it would be impossible to know if he'll want kids with you.

I would imagine he knows that if he moves in with you soon then obviously there will be a while where you can see if you fit well living together but that he'd be expected to try for a baby soon enough.....so you'll probably get more of an idea about where his head is at based on whether he starts to make concrete plans to move in together or if it just remains something that's talked about!

You have to be very clear with your intent and let him know.

Hi sounds vague - he needs to be clear.

Don’t waste your time!

@Guavafish

You have to be very clear with your intent and let him know.

Hi sounds vague - he needs to be clear.

Don’t waste your time!

This.

Don't be strung along.

Personally, I can really understand a man not wanting to go back to that stage again.

It's tough, limits holidays etc, involves juggling.

It's not for everyone.

When I was in the dating game I steered clear of men with children. If I had met someone totally amazing who did have children, no way on earth would I have had a child with him. I didn’t want my life or my child’s life to be controlled by the child’s mother in the background, whether or not they played silly games. People can seem ok whilst there’s no “threat” to their children in the background, but it can bring out a terrible side in people when it does happen.
Possibly selfish on my part, but a lot less selfish than getting involved with someone then being upset when any/all of the above happens.
I do know some brilliant step/blended families, but someone is always making the compromise somewhere

I think you have to be clear. Also to think whether you'd be happy with one - four children is a LOT. I am late thirties, pregnant with number two, happy with having waited this long but even with a three year old part of my brain is struggling about the return to sleepless nights etc. I can't imagine someone with an 11 and 14 year old going back, but then maybe its been so long he likes the idea of doing it all again.

Have a read of the step parents section, you may decide you don’t want to put yourself through the blended family thing.

When I asked him about this he said that he'd be open to more children with the right woman.

Well that's not a YES, is it?

Be wary of future faking.

Right now he's being extremely ambivalent. Which is fair enough if you've only been together 6 months.

And don't pin too much on being "committed and exclusive". That literally just means "He's my boyfriend" but that's all. It doesn't mean its gonna work out.

I think at the moment he's still not 100%, and is trying to figure it out. Tbh I'd wonder if he's in love with you. He definitely should be feeling swoony about you after 6 months, even if his practical head is saying "hold on a minute, she wants kids, don't commit to anything".

You need to discuss it with him. He does sound like it’s in his thoughts. You yourself need to be aware that his older kids will still need support and time even when you’ve got a little one, and holidays etc would have to fit around with them as well.

Well I am 42 and wouldn't want to have any more children if i met someone who did. My ex husband is the same age as me and his relationship with the OW which ended our marriage ended because the genius realised eventually that at 13 years younger and with no kids, she might want them some day and our were becoming independent by then and he didn't want to give up his social life to go back to sleepless nights and the responsibility of babies (he'd also had the snip so that was never going to happen anyway).

So that's my experience but there will be plenty of people on here who can give their experiences from the other side.

I will say though that any decent dad will really consider how more children with another partner may affect his relationship with his current children.

Hi Op, I want to add that I almost dated a man who literally told me the same lines 'open to having more with the right woman', at the time I was quite desperate to find a partner to settle down with I'll be honest so in that moment I heard what I wanted to hear - 'oh, I might be that right woman' ...he was younger than me (I was 37 at the time, so it was a plausible remark but his two children were under 10 years of age. Thankfully for me, I extricated myself from that situation because I couldn't nor he could guarantee what will happen (and I didn't want to waste time being future faked potentially), so I walked away and ended up doing IVF via a sperm donor on my own, aged 39 and fortunately it was successful. Sometimes men will tell you whatever you want to hear to keep you (for company and sex) and other times they are serious and keep to their promise. When time is potentially running out, it can be really difficult to see the old for the trees...

Have you considered what it might be like steps parenting in this dynamic, while possibly having your own child with your partner? Good luck with your decision!

At 42 I would imagine he has allready been through that stage in life and is just waiting for his children to grow up a little more so he can start living and have some fun, that's prob where you come in, you wouldn't be the first to be told 'yeah maybe one day I'll have some more children' then the years pass and then they change their mind and your to late then,
also you said he asked you if 'you wanted more children' so presumably you have allready got children your self? Blended family's very rarely work out and are alot of hassle, for the common problem I would suggest you visit the step parents thread and you will probs have a rethink about the whole relationship.

You've been dating a guy for approx 7 months, part of which was during a national lockdown.

I think the fact that you've talked about kids and moving in - and he's at least fairly receptive to the idea - is probably about as much as you could expect at this point.

I understand you not wanting to waste time but really neither of you know right now if having children together is going to happen. As long as you keep talking about it. Maybe have a discussion about timelines and what you expect from him in terms of commitment at what point etc. As long as you're talking openly you're not wasting time you are developing a relationship.

I had my first when my husband was 40. He also has 2 older daughters who were 13/14 at the time. We now have three of our own.