Unrealistic expectations v normal life

[Dorisbonson]

Had a very topsy turvy relationship for years. We had counselling and split up despite living in the same home. We were both pretty nasty to each other at times and our now 7 year old son didn't like it at all. She had an emotional affair with someone who is now dead. I moved out during the early part of the pandemic until she needed me back to pay some gigantic bill for a repair on the house we both own and I couldnt pay the bill (thousands) and pay rent somewhere else. I quite liked it when I moved out but missed my son a lot. I did a bit of online dating with varied results, but didn't find anyone I particularly wanted to be with.

Anyway. During Covid when I moved back in we rubbed along ok. We stopped rowing as much. We don't have sex though, I think we have had it less than 8 times in two years overall, we don't kiss, we don't hug, we don't touch. We would both like more sex, eg multiple times a week in an ideal world - but for some reason it doesn't happen. She flirts with the tradesman, I don't particularly mind. I'm not jealous of it. If I take sex and affection out of the equation, I'm not unhappy, I see my son every day, we live in an nice house and are financially comfortable. She cares about me and I care about her, we generally understand each other and respect each other. We don't really share the same sense of humour but I don't know if that is unusual.

I've got to a point financially where she could keep the house if she wanted and I could move out without either of us really dropping living standards. But there is no other woman on the horizon, I'm not desperate to have the emotional turmoil of a new relationship. I would like more sex though.

So is this normal life, everyone goes through this, just accept it or should I move out so we can both move on rather than living in a dead relationship?

Perhaps the aspect that you need to give serious consideration is the blueprint you are setting for your child about normal relationships. I say that as someone who grew up in a dysfunctional household. It taught me to set my boundaries and expectations very low and I went onto to marry someone as dysfunctional as my parents. It has taken a lot of therapy to stop me repeating this pattern and I now have a very loving and fulfilling relationship with my partner. Your marriage doesn't sound either happy or fulfilling for either of you. Children would much rather have two happy parents who are separate modelling healthy relationships than two unhappy people putting up with each other until something better comes along.

I think it’s reasonably common, particularly when you have children. You’re comfortable, you don’t have to face up to the upheaval of separating your lives or the uncertainty of going it alone. I don’t think those are good reasons to stay, though. There are no prizes given out at the end of your life for having stayed married for several decades. It isn’t a virtue of some kind. And even “for the children” isn’t a good reason to stay: I have so many friends with parents who stayed together and modelled dead or dysfunctional relationships, and it affected them hugely. Among the happiest of my friends are those whose parents divorced but divorced well and remained amicable co-parents. I think that’s what you need to be aiming for.

Everything ComtesseDeSpair said.

Move the hell on already!

Thanks it's useful to have some perspective. Harder still to take action. I think I want to know what she is thinking too and see if she is in the same place.

She had an emotional affair. You don’t have sex, or any kind of sexual affection or intimacy. This doesn’t appear to bother her. She flirts with other men in front of you. The only reason she wanted you to move back in is so you could help out financially.

I think it’s pretty obvious where she is. Yes, plenty of long term relationships have peaks and troughs and go through periods where you aren’t getting on so well and sex falls off the menu for a bit. What you describe doesn’t sound like one of those relationships. Your relationship sounds over.

Why not look into some relationship counselling. Not because it will necessarily repair your relationship, but because it may help you both to think about separation and what if involves and do so as kindly and nearly as possible.

What you describe definitely isn’t ordinary life for most people, no.

The flirting with the tradesman might need to be looked at more.

You say you don't mind. Maybe she wants you to mind? Maybe she thinks if she flirts with him it will either hurt you as some sort of winding up tactic, or she hopes you will show her more attention. Either if those things would be unhealthy.

You don't kiss, hug or touch.....so there's no affection. It kind of reflects your dynamic really. Why don't you do these things to her? Why don't you feel like you want to stroke her head or hair when she's close to you, or have her in your arms whilst you watch TV. Is it because it does nothing for you anymore?

Lots of people stay together because of the children. It doesn't have to be the case forever for you, but you might damage your son if you start yo-yo-ing in and out of the house. It will create an unstable environment for him.

I’m confused - are you together or not? It sounds like you only moved back for financial reasons, so why would you expect sex and kissing etc? Or is it that you are together, but you’re thinking of leaving again?

Either way, it sounds like you just want a FWB so go find that assuming you are single.

@ComtesseDeSpair

She had an emotional affair. You don’t have sex, or any kind of sexual affection or intimacy. This doesn’t appear to bother her. She flirts with other men in front of you. The only reason she wanted you to move back in is so you could help out financially.

I think it’s pretty obvious where she is. Yes, plenty of long term relationships have peaks and troughs and go through periods where you aren’t getting on so well and sex falls off the menu for a bit. What you describe doesn’t sound like one of those relationships. Your relationship sounds over.

Why not look into some relationship counselling. Not because it will necessarily repair your relationship, but because it may help you both to think about separation and what if involves and do so as kindly and nearly as possible.

Eh?! Where’s the emotional affair mentioned?

You definitely need to talk to her about where you are at.

Give some thought to that poor little boy in the middle of this and the damage that has been done to him.

Undoubtedly he will have been hugely impacted by witnessing your toxic interactions.

He is definitely better off with divorced parents than that.

@Naunet - in the third line of the OP

[quote EveryThingWillBeWorthIt]@Naunet - in the third line of the OP[/quote]
Wow, completely missed that and I read it twice! Thanks.

I think this emphasis on setting a bad template for children by living in a home where the parents just rub along together without deep love for each other, is a bit of a red herring. I grew up in a home where my parents just got on with things, they weren't affectionate, but never argued or created a bad atmosphere, and frankly, I didn't even notice. It hasn't affected my relationships. It didn't make me emulate their marriage. It didnt even register with me that they had fallen out of love with each other.

More damaging I think, would have been if my mother had left and struggled to find decent housing (which we had), who had to work longer hours and had less time for us, and the inevitable shuffling between households. Not forgetting the incredibly disturbing aspect or your parents with different, and maybe, not very nice new partners.

It's not always a realistic prospect of meeting the ideal partner and creating this amazing loving relationship and a lovely comfortable home.

OP. If you are both happy with the situation and you son is settled and happy, look at couples counselling to see if both of you want to make a go of the relationship. Respecting one another is a good start. It may be that you both don't want this, and you or she want to look at establishing a relationship which is more fulfilling, in which case you have a good chance of becoming friends and both able to support your son, but in separate households

I would ideally like to rekindle the romantic feelings I had for her. I haven't avoided being affectionate, it just wasn't welcomed when she had the emotional affair or in the period after his death. After being rejected frequently I gave up and it's hard to mentally readjust to seeing someone differently. However she had the emotional affair for a reason, our relationship hadn't gone well and for probably the past 6 years we have been pretty on and off - including some long periods of off.

There is part of me that says just have a clean break and get on with life now. I don't feel the capacity to romantically love anyone including her, even linking sexual attraction to feelings of romance seems difficult - I don't know if this is the same for her. The more I think about it the more I think I should leave well, make sure they are okay and get some therapy myself.