Why am I like this?

[Muffled21]

Been seeing an amazing man for over a year. Not casually but never put a label on it as we seemed to want different things. I adore him and all along wished it could be different and we could be together. He really is a very special man and is so lovely to me.
Last week he told me he loved me and wanted to make a go of things properly. I was over the moon and told him I loved him too(I really do) But now I feel like I’m getting cold feet! I’ve always been like this though. I develop feelings and want it to go somewhere but the minute they have feelings for me, I panic and back off. I really don’t want that to happen this time as I think this one is the one.
Someone stop me from self-sabotage yet again!

Do you act the same way with friendships? Have you looked at attachment styles?

www.betterhelp.com/advice/attachment/what-are-the-four-attachment-styles/

beaconschoolsupport.co.uk/newsletters/understanding-the-four-attachment-styles

I’ll have a look at the links thanks. No I’m very different with friends. Maybe I’m just scared of getting hurt? If we’re not a couple, I can’t get hurt as there’s no expectations? Who knows

Bumping

I'd hazard a guess that you're like that because of your upbringing.

What was your parents' relationship like? What was your relationship like with them? Were you loved, cared for, listened to?

I was very loved and had a happy childhood. My parents weren’t affectionate toward eachother though. Never argued but didn’t share a bed or ever hug etc

Just remember you can leave anytime you like. Just because you put a label on it doesn't mean you're stuck at all.

I know. I don’t feel stuck as such. But just feel a bit of mild panic that it’s suddenly real.

What were your previous relationships like - has someone hurt you badly in the past? Sounds like you are putting barriers up to self protect. Try to enjoy the here and now - live for the present and do not think of the future and what might happen because no one can predict the future just enjoy what you have now.

That’s really smart advice. And that’s what I was doing-when it wasn’t going anywhere. But now I know how he feels about me, and I feel the same, I suddenly feel vulnerable to being hurt.
My ex hurt me over and over again and I eventually ended it. I trusted him at the start but he soon made sure I couldn’t trust him.
I trust the new man completely. But the second he messes up, I’m gone. I can’t deal with years of hurt and mistrust again.

I get it - it has taken me years to take my own advise - the last man I was dating was into buddhism and it is all about enjoying the 'moment' the present. I think if you have been hurt you will always have that barrier but you trust your partner and you sound like a strong lady that won't put up with any disrespect. You left your ex and survived and you can do that again if you have to - there are always choices and options.

@Muffled21

I was very loved and had a happy childhood. My parents weren’t affectionate toward eachother though. Never argued but didn’t share a bed or ever hug etc

We are programmed to replicate our parent's relationship. Much as we feel ourselves to be superior and intelligent, we are very much 'monkey see, monkey do.'

You probably don't want to do that, though, and would prefer a huggy, bed-sharey relationship. So, what you want from a serious relationship is in conflict with what you are programmed to do in a serious relationship. So, when things get serious, an undefined, inexplicable little bit in the very core of you goes 'Noooo!! I don't want this!!', whilst the rest of your personality and emotional self goes 'WTF??' and has to write a post on MN because it's so bewildering.