Need some advice on ex having access to DD PLEASE HELP

[JellyNump]

hello, have written on here before about how weird exH is. he acts like a stupid, spoilt child all the time and I think he sees DD as a 'novlety' rather than an actual human child who needs looking after etc. he has never hurt her (that I know of) but can do stupid things like take her to stables and let her brush the horse's leg without a 2nd thought about if the horse kicks her etc (she is 21 months nearly).
After Tuesday & Wednesday I really have had enough. Tuesday he had her while I was at work because his mum was down, she lives in La La land most of the time anyway. I finish work at half 5. He text to ask if he can have her til half 6, I said not really as I needed to take her somehwere after work. He said, ok how about he drops her to me at 6. I said no, i finish at half 5 and i need her here for then. at half 5 i get a call saying, i'm stuck in traffic and he turns up at half 6!!! (wouldnt be surprised if he did this on purpose) I agreed to meet up with him and his parents on Weds (my day off) for lunch so they could see DD. Weds a.m. I get up early as need to do trial run to new nanny's house (my auntie died who used to have DD for me) so got up stupidly early on my day off, DD was still asleep and Mum was at home anyway, so trial run was done ok. Got home, DD woke up and I got her ready as I needed to go into town, had already told exH this. Was on park and ride and had txt after txt, what time will you finish, how long will you be, what are you doingm where are you now etc etc. txt bsck on park and ride, so he called and had a go at me saying, my parents don't get to see DD, i dont get to see DD as your parents always take her out (he has motorbike and has to borrow a car to take her anywhere), i said its not my fault they dont bother to come down and its also my day off so i want to speand some time with her and have stuff to do, he said you get to see her all the time (i work full time and by time i get home shes ready for bed), he started to get nasty and started to imply he would go for custody so i told him to speak to me thru my solicitor (whom I have emailed re this) and turned off phone, by the time we got to town i was so wound up that i stayed on bus and went home and txt to say, fine, he could have it his way and to tell me immediately where to meet him and his parents, he then said no no, im sorry i dont want solicitors involved, you go into town mum and dad will come daown another time, i told him too late, tell me where to meet now. which we did.
i'm REALLY REALLY fed up with this, i have seriously thought about changing my and DD names and moving away so he cannot find us. i hate that i cannot do anything without him breathing down my neck or having to know my every move and threatening me with DD if he cant get his own way. Solicitor originally said DD not old enough to stay overnight with him until she is at least 3 and i'm DREADING her getting to that age so much, I do not trust him to look after her properly anyway and his behaviour is erratic, a few weks ago he rang me in tears to say he was on anti depressants and was having mood swings and had smashed up his flat!
Please help, I dont know if its legal for me to move and nottell him, there is no court order stopping him seeing her, but really I think she's better off without, I know he's her dad but he's an idiot and I just want him to leave us alone. Please can anyone help?

well if your serious about moving and changing your names and it wouldnt completey disrupt your lifes id say go for it!. i had similar problems with my older son his father was very erratic and unreliable and in the end my son used to scream everytime he went near him which made me seek advice from a solicitor who advised me to withdraw visitation until he could sort himself out but to be honest he wasent that bothered about getting visitation back and noe he hasent seen him for 7 years and my husband is in process of adopting him. he is his dad. if you withdrew visitation would he make the effort to go to a solicitor and ask for visitation back?

Does he have a contact order? What were the arrangements agreed when you got divorced?

Technically there is nothing to stop you moving if you need to because of work or other reason. If he applied to the court to enforce the contact order, the court might be interested in the reasons for your move and may not be impressed if you moved simply to thwart the contact order. Mind you, he'd need to know where you are to have the court papers served, wouldn't he??

I can see from your post how upset you are about his behaviour and how much it is disrupting your lives.

Honestly tho, just going on what you've said so far I think moving and changing your names is a bit of a drastic course of action.

I would involve your solicitor and try mediation etc to agree contact. He needs to understand that you are serious about agreed and set times and clearly you need a 3rd party to facilitate this.

If you agree something with him and he then goes back on it then you must stick to your guns. If he misses the agreed time or tries to change it at the last minute don't pander to him.

You had a plan for your day off, you included the lunch with his parents in your plan. He then disrupted that and you caved in, stopped what you were doing and fitted back in with him.

If you keep doing this, he will keep expecting to get his own way at the drop of a hat.

You've got nearly a year to try to get him to understand his responsibilities to your dd and you as her mother before he can try to force the overnight issue.

Show him you are serious and ready to stick to your guns wrt to access. If he doesn't shape up and you are still concerned for your dd then you can re-think your next step.

Hope this helps and that you don't think it's too harsh but in short, you need to stop allowing him to jerk your chain. Make your plans, agree the access arrangements then stick to them.

Good luck, I really sympathise with how horrible it is when someone else's behaviour can upset you so much. I have virtually cut my H (separated) out of my life because of his erratic and inconsisten behaviour. He's already said he wants regular access in the New Year and I am dreading his breaking dd's heart once again.

I have emailed my solicitor on the same day I wrote this and have had no response. I'm not sure if its because she dealt with the divorce and now thats done she won't do anymore unless she thinks she will be paid, which i'm happy to do but I needed some advice first. There are no 'orders'. I filled out an 'arrangement for children' form and he signed it, my solicitor advised he would be extremely unlikely to get custody but its just the fear of him wanting DD overnight, I really don't think he would take proper care of her, she will be at an age where she will be just potty trained or still training and he tended to just sit down on the computer or watch TV and not really bother with her when we were together. He told me last time he had her they both had a nap but when he woke up she was already awake watching TV on her own. I don't think he realises the importance of changing a nappy as he has brought her back with a nappy on that clearly hadn't been changed for a while although he said he had changed her regularly thru the day. I just do not believe a thing he tells me, I need to be able to leave DD with someone I trust 100% and I just do not trust him. The fact that he is her dad just simply isn't good enough. I would love a custody order, I wouldn't necessarily stop him seeing her at all just not let him have her overnight. Also she has already said she doesn't want him to pick her up when we've been out and she cried when I told her we were going to see Daddy, Grandma and Grandpa for lunch, she obviously wasn't happy to see them and she kept saying 'home'.
It is drastic to change names and move but I really want to be left alone.

Oh, also, my solicitor told me before that the courts don't like to get involved unless there is a threat to our safety. I don't think ex H would ever hurt DD but I'm not convinced she wouldn't be frightened if she was with him for a long time (eg overnight) I'm just not willing to let that potentially happen to her. She is already confused enough about us moving in with my parents and him not living with us, also she was very scared when he picked us up and threw us across the room when he was in a temper, its that that I'm worried about. I don;'t think he'd cope if she cried and didn't go to sleep when he wanted to or if he was watching TV and she didn't settle etc...it's all so complicated

Do NOT worry, no court will force your daughter to stay overnight.

I have been through the family court after my child did not want to go on access visits and ex took it to court, saying it was me stopping contact when it clearly was nothing of the sort...he just did not want all his family to know that his child had sussed out what a complete nob he is and thought blaming me was easier...

anyhow, courts are very much on the side of the mum IF they can see that she has childs best interests and that her feelings about him (ie how much of a twat he is) do not come into it.

Don't worry, you wont have to move away, and honestly, no one is going to force you to make her stay overnight with him, as long as you are offering time in the day for him to see her.

Sorry just read this bit :

"she was very scared when he picked us up and threw us across the room when he was in a temper"

That puts a different light on it, totally.
I really don't think he is capable of caring for her, especially while she is so young. Anyway courts will be even less likely to give him any time at all alone with her if you mention the mood swings and the smashing up of the flat, and the throwing you across the room.

JellyNump - I really think you do need to go to see a solicitor and get some advice which is tailored to your situation.

I actually find it a bit frightening that people are saying to either move away to obstruct contact or telling you what the court will say. No one can predict the outcome of any court hearing because we don't know what evidence will be put before the court and what recommendations any reports will make.

It may well be that you won't have to offer overnight contact if you have serious concerns about his ability to care for your DD but make sure you get some legal advice before withdrawing contact. Obstructing contact can have serious consequences particularly where the court has made an order.

I don't want to scare you or criticise any of the well-meaning people who have given advice who clearly have been through similar situations. i'm just concerned you're trying to base decisions on anecdotal evidence rather than solid legal grounds. Have you been assessed for Legal Aid?

Cash, I have probably been a little hasty in using my own experience to reassure here, oooops!
But I agree with all you say...I certainly would never stop contact, if child wants to go, then it should be encouraged, and it is correct to say that that each situation is dealt with in court in an individual, evidence based way.

I got legal aid, and my solicitor was amazingly good, my advice would also be to see if you can get legal aid. Oh, and if you have no confidence in your solicitor find one who specialises in family law.

Your solicitor doesn't sound much use. You could try contacting Women's Aid - your X 'threw you and dd across the room' which doesn't suggest that he's the best person to look after her unsupervised. Also, if he has mental health issues (smashing up his flat) then you would be perfectly in order to aply for supervised access only - this is not having a go at people with mental health issues, merely saying that anyone whose behaviour is unpredictable will not be regarded by the courts as a suitable person to have unsupervised care of a small child.

My solicitor was excellent for my divorce and very efficient. Applied in March and was done and dusted by August, she is from a family law firm. I may give her a call anyway. I was originally assessed for legal aid but I earn £50 too much to qualify!!! How stupid is that. I would like to get a court order more for my peace of mind really, I just don't want to sit in a court room with him and go thru everything, I can see him turning very nasty. He has said some very cruel things in the past and although they are not true, I am scared of him bringing them up as he has threatened to do so in the past. Just before we split up and he was acting like a right knob, he told me he had thought for 18 months that it was my fault my DS had died at 9 weeks, he even went round to tell my parents that is what he thought. They saw right thru his lies and this is why they will no longer have anything to do with him. DS died of Intrapulmonary Shunting brought on by an op for a hernia and nothing I or he did to him, but it scared me that he had thought that and apparently told some of the people he worked with at the time, so goodness knows what they thought of me or even told other people! I can just see him bringing all that up again if this went to court to try to get custody of DD, even though he has since admitted what he thought wasn't actually true, I have no idea why he thought it, I really do think he may have a mental disorder.

Oh god he sounds like a right loser.
I wouldn't worry about what lies he MIGHT bring up, as you have NOTHING to hide or be worried about.

Just be truthful all the time and you will be ok.

I am sorry you have to have someone like him in your life. Do your best by your child and don't spend any more time worrying about what he may or may not say.

spoke to my solicitor who has put me in touch with another solicitor (as mine is apparently trying to finish with law now) emailed new solicitor epic story about ex and me and his weirdness.
EG: Last night went to meet ex to discuss his access to DD. Broguht up about him throwing us across the room as he wanted an example of his 'erratic' behaviour. He said it was because I hit him with a wine bottle!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

YES I will admit to slapping with my left hand as I held DD in my right arm but i'm not sure where the wine bottle came from!?!?! Scary thing is he either believes this is what happened or this is what he will say if it goes to court!?!
What a mess

Just thought I would add my bit of advice as I am a step parent to my husbands children. (their mother left them, we have been through court so many times so know the score)

Firstly, your idea of moving away without telling anyone is no the best idea as this will not look good on you if he did pursue anything in court.

It is also vital that you write everything down and put it on record.
I mean everything, if he let you down, if he changed plans, if he didn't give her back, if he threatned you etc etc etc. Dates and times. In court this will hold up in a feirce way.

The way a court decides contact of any children is through the childrens act. which has about 8 clauses in it....we dont have a solicitor and have won our case because I took time to read all up mnyself.

If you look up the childrens act 1989 and read each point that the court has to consider for contact.

There is the childs wishes (which would not be apprant in your case) the benefit of the child the distruption the the child, the capability to look after the child etc etc.

You need to study these point and give a reason for each one and supply evidence as to why contact is not a good idea. Normally if a contatc case goes to court first they will put forward a mediation meeting etc. You can either deny or accept, in my history we accepted first as it looks better, we then waited for her to not bother turning up etc etc. We then went back to court and used this as eveidence against her.

YOu can ask the court to consider an indirect contact order for the benefit of the child, in order to form a bond etc.

The court will not like it if you have purposly stopped any contact etc etc again this looks bad on you.

With regards to any physical violence insidence, who was there with you? It is his word againt yours and if you have an array of evidence to support his erractic behavoiur then you will look better in court.

You can also request that the court ask him to supply a timetable of his movements including any work commitments. You can explain the reason being that he has let you and youdd down and if you had a clear understanding of his schedule then he would have to stick to it etc etc if he doesn't the better for you again.

This may take time, but eventually you can ask the court put an order against him order 91 section (14) to prevent him going to court for any more contatc orders.

The court at first WILL expect you to agree some contact unless you have substantial evidence against him that it is not in the best interest of the child for him to have contact.

And finally....if he really is a bad bad bad influence on your child then it would be best for him to not have contact, however please never forget that if he is not that bad and the emotions are between you 2 only then you really need to condier the our dd. After all he is her dad and if you do go to court and have contact stopped there will be information for you dd to see when she gets older that you stopped her from seeing her dad....this may not go in your favour.

Please remember that just because she is not asking now does not mean that she will not get to school and notice all the other children have dads etc and not ask you about it because you will.

You need to be able to know in your heart of hearts that you really wwant to fight and it is the best interest of your dd. Our childre have now seen their mum for what she is....nothing. Where as if we had not allowed contact at all etc they they would not have seen their mum let them down. Hard lesson to learn but as long as your dd has your love she will always be ok. Please just make sure you can handle her asking you 'Where is my Daddy'.

I hope this helps and I apologise in advance if I have said anything that may have offended you. I do know my stuff as we went through 10 years of court,.....and represented oursleves as some solicitors jsut want to close the case and move on.

If you need any advice let me know more than happy to help!!!

I really hope it all works out for you

I wouldn't mind him having supervised visits? I just don't like the idea of him being alone with her.
I have written out our WHOLE story, which is really really long but I could post it to put you in the full picture?

Hi Jelly,

Yes you can if you would like as it may give me a better idea.

With regards to supervised visits this is definatly an option for you.

Taking in to her account and her age you would have enough supporting evidence to ask the court to consider supervised visits in the first instance and to see how it goes.

If the court process appears to be long then he may request and interuim contact order,,,which allows him to have access while the court order is going through. They are so annoying with this and even if you have requested supervised visits will generally allow or grant an order whereby the child is seen every 2 weeks etc....however this would rearly include overnight care.

You full story would really help me understand you situation better and for me to eb able to offer you the best course of action......although I am not anyway in the legal profession I have been through so much that I feel as though I know this area like the back of my hand.

Like I said any advice I can offer that woudl help you think more clearly and feel more positive about things let me know.

ok, i will post my full story, bear in mind this will include names etc

My ex (Andy) and I met on the phone in work. I'm a travel agent and he worked for our flight dept. He came up to Bristol (where I come from) from Sussex (about 3 hours away) for a MurderDolls concert. This would have been July 2003. We got married in May 2004. We had bought my grans house and it needed a lot of work but he didn't do 1 bit at a time he pulled everything apart and we didnt even have a kitchen for over a year and no heating. We got into a lot of debt, him more than me, but I trusted him as I knew nothing about loans, or how credit cards worked. He did stupid things like spending money, when we had it, on stuff we didn't need (eg lawnmower, which we could borrow from a friend, he seems to have been brought up having things NOW whereas I was brought up to save for things) I got pregnant really quickly and Andy started to get friendly with 2 people at work, Kevin and Carrie, I thought there was something going on between him and Carrie but he swore blind there wasnt and I never trusted Kevin. That caused a lot of arguements and stress but eventually fizzled out. We had had our son in March 2005 but he only lived for 9 weeks as he died from Intrapulmonary Shunting following an operation for a hernia. We went out to his parents house in France for about 3 weeks with them while we waited for the post mortem etc and my mum had contacted funeral directors etc. I found out I was pregnant again when we got back from France and we had Jesse's funeral etc. I really don't remember a lot after Jesse dying and having Bonnie. My gran died and I inherited £10k from her but that had to be used to do up the house to sell as we were still in a lot of debt. Bonnie was born in march 2006 and we finished the house in April/May and got it on the market. Andy had moved departments in his job and I started hearing a lot about 'Laura'. Again I was suspicious. He started acting weird and started talking about if we split up etc and how much he liked Laura 'as a friend' and wanted to know why him going away with her 'as a freind' was any different to him going away with a male friend etc One night after he was supposed to finish work at 10pm he didnt get home til half 3 and i was so sick with worry. I had called my brother in law who tried to call him but he wouldnt answer his phone or text me. I called the hospitals etc. When he got in he said he had got upset after work and had gone to sit in a field and Laura had gone back out to persuade him to go home. The next day my brother and sister in law came down and me and Bonnie went to stay with them for about 5 days while he sorted himself out. He also said he had a lot of problems from his past, one being an ex girlfriend who had had an abortion. One night after he had gone out and come home Bonnie was crying and he seemed to get really cross. I asked if he wanted me to take her downstairs he said he didn't care where we went. He also told me that for the past 18 months he had thought it had been my fault that Jesse had died. He said that the night before he died I had thrown Jesse at him, which really isn't true. I had jesse in my arms and was perched on the side of the bed, I leant back to give him to Andy but lost my balanced and tipped back on the bed, I still had hold of Jesse. I was so ill from worrying about him as he would always say, if he went out, he'd be back at 12am but turn up an hour late or more. During the time I was in Sussex he had sex with Laura which he then denied for 6 months after, until we split up. He seemed to get a bit more normal when I got back from Sussex and we moved and again he moved dept in work. I then started to hear a lot about 'Tcina'. He also started working late and being called into work to work at ridiculous times of the night and started going out a lot again, saying he would be back around midnight but again turning up at 2, half 2 which in the meantime I would be worried sick again as I wouldnt be able to get hold of him. When he was at home he would normally be outside in the car for about 3 hours to Tcina. If he was supposed to be looking after Bonnie, he used to ask me to get my mum to have her as he would say he was tired or in a bad mood and didn't think it was a good idea if he had her, so eventually Mum had her pretty much all the time. Eventually I was really ill and always worried and just felt like crying all the time and trapped in a horrible situation. He said he wanted to split up so I got some stuff together and called Mum and moved back in with her, Dad and my brother with Bonnie. He didn't actually have Bonnie on his own for quite a while after we had split up. Prolly one of the first times he had her alone was on her 1st birthday cos I couldn't get the time off work. On 24th Feb he said he wondered about us getting back together, on 25th Feb he admitted to having an affair with Laura and Tcina but said he hadn't had sex with Laura but did admit to kissing Tcina on 26th he was on the phone to Tcina, I had Bonnie in my right arm and I was so cross I slapped him with my left, he picked us up and threw us across the room and we landed on the sofa. I said I was going to the police but he said he would tell them it was self defence and they would take Bonnie away from me. He later admitted he had had sed with Laura. I stayed with Mum & dad and filed for divorce in probably March/April and it came thru in August. I told my solicitor I was and still am very concerned about him having bonnie especially overnight, she said it would be inappropriate for him to have Bonnie overnight until she is at least 2 and a half to 3 years old and even a court would agree with this. I am still not happy for her to go to him overnight at this age. He has phoned me up a few weeks ago in tears as he said he was prescribed anti depressants and had been having mood swings and had smashed up half his flat. He eventually said he no longer believed it was my fault Jesse died. We met up last night to discuss his access to Bonnie and agreed he would have her during the day every other w/end. He brought up about me hitting him and him throwing us across the room but this time said it was because I had hit him with a wine bottle!!! This is one of the reasons I'm so worried because he obviously believes that is what happened. I will definately admit to slapping him but i'm not sure where the wine bottle has come into it? I don't know if this is what he had just decided to say if it goes to court? I'm fed up of his stupid lies all the time. I really think Bonnie is better off without him, even tho he is her dad.

Thanks wow long read. I have the picture now.

Firstly when you got your divorce through on what grounds did you file for divorce and was this accepted when you eventually got the paperwork etc.

For nstance infidelity on his part or inconsirable differences??

Let me know.

Adultery, he admitted it, I filed it, he agreed and signed it

ooo thats good.

Great start. You also have a divorce with evidence that he signed claiming his unstable personality in effect.

Are his parents unstable or unreliable?

Why are you trying to stop them seeing their grandchild?

Because they are unstable eg: having screaming rows and throwing glasses across a room after being drunk most nights.
Good enough reason for you?

aaaagggghhhhhhh more problems with him!!!!!