Don't know anymore!

[Bekind19]

Hi first time poster 😄.

I don't really know where to start. So will give u bit of background. Sorry for long post.

My dh and I have been together 12 years. We are both early 50s.We both have grown up daughter who have 1 child each.
I had surgery 10 years ago for crohns disease and had to have a colostomy bag which was suppose to be reversed but found out a year later it couldn't be.
I have suffered from ill-health for many years have been unable to work the last 5.
Dh and I seem well drifting very far apart. We havent been intimate for 3 years. He used to try but I have been very insecure since my surgery and more so the last few years. Now neither of us try. He works hard comes home we watch TV and then start all over again.
I am unwell quite often and suffer with anxiety/depression too worse the last few years. We had issues at start of our relationship with gambling/drugs with dh. There hasn't been any problems with that for many years. But for some reason I trust him less now.
I am as busy as my health allows looking after grandchildren, who we both adore.
I just feel maybe we could both be happier apart?
Please be kind I feel very vulnerable at the moment.

I don't have any words of advice but I do have IBD and know how utterly horrendous it is to live with.

Hello @Bekind19, first of all I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

It sounds as though you have drifted apart and are now living alongside each other rather than enhancing each other's lives. You mention you might both be happier if you separated. In my experience, that feeling doesn't come out of nowhere. We'd generally rather do anything than split up with our life partner, so the fact that you're thinking about it speaks volumes for the current quality of your relationship.

Is this something you could discuss with him? Before you did, I'd think deeply about why you feel life might be better off without him (e.g. why you "trust him less now").

Only you can know whether it's worth discussing with your husband things like your insecurities around intimacy. Maybe you'd rather he left you alone? Maybe he doesn't mind? There are so many variations on that particular reality -- from "this doesn't matter at all" to "this is a major issue."

There's a lot to be said for being on your own, and it can be much less lonely than being with the wrong person. If your relationship has become a source of anxiety, rather than a source of support, then you might prefer to just look after yourself.

Thank you so much for your replies.
I have tried to talk to dh and say that I feel things are not really working that we are drifting apart. He listens and then nothing changes. I too have spoke about intimacy he agrees with what I say but then nothing changes.
I really don't know what to do.

Sorry you're in this situation OP. It sounds miserable for both of you.

Would you like to try to repair the relationship, or do you feel that it has simply run its course and you want to move on?

@Bekind19

Thank you so much for your replies. I have tried to talk to dh and say that I feel things are not really working that we are drifting apart. He listens and then nothing changes. I too have spoke about intimacy he agrees with what I say but then nothing changes. I really don't know what to do.

Well, you could... make a change. A unilateral one. Make your own decision about what you want next.

Life's too short to faff around, and the worst mistake is never daring to do something.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Sorry you're in this situation OP. It sounds miserable for both of you.

Would you like to try to repair the relationship, or do you feel that it has simply run its course and you want to move on?

I would love to try to repair the relationship it's just I really don't know what to do anymore to try to put things right?

Thank you for your replies. I would like to try to save my marriage just don't know what else I can do.