Is my DH being unreasonable, or am I?

[happybythesea]

This is my first time posting...

I'm currently feeling at a total loss and really don't have people I am comfortable discussing this with.

My DH will be leaving the UK shortly for a Job internationally.

My issue is he expects me to fly out a month or so after him, which i guess i initially agreed to as i've always been the supportive wife who has automatically moved with him on a whim, but now the time is coming for him to leave it's dawning on me how i truly feel about everything and that my feelings haven't really been taken into consideration. (i wasn't made aware that he went for this position until he was in the interview stage, then when he was offered the position, i reluctantly did say that he had to do what made him happy. Had i been made aware of him going for this position earlier i would have said my wishes are to not move).

The reality is we are in a good financial position and the only reason he is taking this position is so we can buy a house that fits our needs a little more than the one we have.

For the first time in many years, I feel settled and happy (I have lived internationally and moved a number of times with him and his work).

I have said to him that moving house really doesn't matter and can we not stay as we are. He's adamant that he's leaving irregardless and that I should just fly out to be with him.

I just don't have it in me to do a long-distance relationship after 20+ years of marriage, we have always been a very close-knit family and have never gone a week or so without each other.
With covid, there will be little opportunity to visit etc...

I feel if i just leave to be with him i'm not pursuing my happiness (i have a little part-time job that i like, we live close to our adult son, which is a blessing as we've been away from him for a few years).
I'm really quite happy and settled as i am.

I'm really feeling quite hurt by his decision to leave regardless of my feelings on this.

Sorry if it's a bit long...
All advice is welcome...

I think it's unfair to even apply for a job with such major ramifications without even a whiff of a discussion.

What does he think will happen to your job when you relocate? Will you have to give it up? That's what concerns me the most.

It's not unheard of for a couple to live separately - especially towards the end of their working life. You stay put. He can go. You have two properties. It's temporary. (He may hate it if he's left once.)

As the person who moves with work, I would be a bit hurt and a bit annoyed if my husband said he was ok with moving and then waited till after I accepted the job and was about to leave to raise an objection.

I agree, if you’re mid-career and the established pattern is Person A as main wage earner and Person B as non-earning supportive partner.

But in this scenario OP built a new life based on Person A no longer being main wage earner…

@itssoooofluffy

I think you're being quite unfair.

As the person who moves with work, I would be a bit hurt and a bit annoyed if my husband said he was ok with moving and then waited till after I accepted the job and was about to leave to raise an objection.

Why is there no compromise? You have left it too late to reasonably expect the whole plan to change, so why not agree to go abroad for x number of years, but then to stay at home after that?

And are you also in the habit of applying for jobs abroad after you've retired, and only mentioning the fact to your spouse after you've gone some way through the recruitment process and got an interview?

Thank you for all your replies, I really do appreciate the time you have taken to advise me.

I do see that there has been a lack of communication on both parts.
I truly thought we had been on the same page, but we are not.

My instinct is telling me to let him go and live this new chapter that he wants with my blessing.

Thank you again for all your advice...