Ds wants to see his absent father

[whattotellds]

Hi, I've posted here before about this situation and things went quiet for a while. Ds is now 6 and has asked a few times to see his father and to phone him or Skype him. His dad has seen him once as a baby and has never kept in touch. I last contacted him 3 years ago to say ds wanted to see him but he never got back to me beyond that he was thinking about what to say. He has zero interest in ds. He lives a few hours away so he's not local, not that that prevents him keeping in touch. I've tried my best over the years but haven't got anywhere.

How do I handle this to minimise the hurt to ds?

You could lie. Say he is doing some exciting job in another country etc.... I don't know what the answer is but I know it feels awful having to protect your child from a useless parent.

I can't lie. I just can't. I could try contacting him again but it seems pointless.

I agree. Don't lie it won't help in the long run. I've spoken to my DC about my mother, who abandoned us as little kids. I didn't say abandoned to DC, just that she left when I was little. I know it's a step removed so less impact, so no experience if this would be worth trying in your situation. I started off my explanation to our DC 4&6 at the time, saying you know how everybody has different things they're good at and might have things they can't do at all? That it was the same with parenting. That some people aren't made to be parents, and that my mother was one of those people.

In the long run I think if someone's this disinterested it's better there's no contact. Our mother came back a few times, briefly, would sometimes phone, sometimes not, send a gift to one of us and forget the other, leave for months, turn up again when wed finally gotten some equilibrium and it was massively damaging. If she'd only left once our childhood would have been a lot more secure.

All you can do is tell the truth in an age appropriate way. Right now I'd prob say you can't see daddy right now because he's too busy

Our middle boy would probably be fine with he's too busy, our eldest would have a million questions about why and how he could possibly be too busy for a quick call and then would blame himself in the absence of further explanation. What's right depends a lot on what your DS is like OP. If simple would work, go simple. If he'll likely have many questions I'd have a more detailed explanation prepared.

Be truthful. Say you’ve offered for his dad to make contact but he hasn’t replied.
I don’t agree with lying to your son.

Thinking of it after I posted I can't feel comfortable with the idea of saying, "he's busy." It implies there will be a time he won't be busy. It's still a lie.

Oh dear, how awful. My eldest two dad doesn’t see them, he has never even met my dd who is 9, and I haven’t heard from him in a long time. I absolutely wouldn’t lie to him, it will just save the hurt for the future. When my two were younger I always said their real daddy couldn’t be a good daddy to them but they have stepdad/grandpa and lots of family who love them so much.

I could email again and see what response we I get, if any. Even if he said he wanted to meet up he'd want us to travel to him which I'm not prepared to do. I did it before and we were there for 2 days but he couldn't see us the second day as he had plans to play on the Xbox all day with a friend.

Ask for advice...it s like a bereavement he needs to process it.

Your son has asked so it would be right for you to try again, but it shouldn’t all be on you to make it happen.

I think under the circumstances I'd have to be truthful. I'd go along the lines of some daddies not being very good daddies and even though they have the best little boy in the world, they're a bit selfish and silly and just want to see their own friends.

Something like that. My preference would be to lie but you're just going to keep getting questions otherwise so I'd be dumping the blame firmly where it belongs in a very gentle, kind and age appropriate way

Oh and I'd also be bigging up the other male influences in his life

I would try again and then tell him he hasn't replied and that you are sorry but sometimes people can't be very good dads or mums because they have their own problems.

Is your son interested in what his dad is like as a person? DS was cut off suddenly when his dad ended contact at a similar age, I make sure I tell him some positive things about his dad (good at jokes, has a job doing maths etc) so that he doesn't feel he's "half of a bad person". It seems to work well and lessens the asking over time too.

I just told my lad at that age I wanted him too much to wait for a good dad. They met up when he was about 11 a couple of times and now at 16 appreciates what I've done and knows his sperm donor is a waste of space. He's turned out fine and we have a special relationship.

Stop it the guilt and know you are more than enough

Be truthful. Say you’ve offered for his dad to make contact but he hasn’t replied.
I don’t agree with lying to your son.

^ This. I've been through this and I was just honest. Zero response to email requesting contact, as expected. I softened the blow by (truthfully) saying he may no longer have the same email so I couldn't be sure he got it.

What about his mum and dad can you get in touch with them so your son gets to know them x

Thank you for all the replies. His dad has a big family and none of them bother. I've not met his mum but did message her when ds was born to tell her of his existence. No reply. His dad I knew for decades but he now lives thousands of miles away and hasn't bothered since the odd reply to messages when he was born. There's lots of uncles, aunts, cousins and a half brother who is an adult approaching 30. I've met his half brother and aunt many times over the years (I've known ds's dad since the 90s) but no one has ever been in touch. I suspect I've been painted as having deliberately got pregnant to fuck up his life (his exW has alluded to this) but I didn't plan ds and I'd finished the relationship before I knew I was pregnant.

I think an answer along the lines of some people can't be good parents is the best approach.

I talk to ds about his dad, shared interests, memories, experiences etc and am probably more neutral than positive about him but am certainly never negative.

I've not had a reply and he usually checks his emails frequently. He's not a football fan either so probably isn't watching the match.

No response. He really is a shit. What did I ever see in him?!

Don’t lie, I think I might have seen your posts or commented on them before as it sounds familiar but definitely don’t lie, it will be worse in the long run, yes it might hurt now but kids need to know the truth (age appropriate) what if he comes back when he’s older and said well mum wouldn’t let me see you, so it’s always best for kids to know that you haven’t stopped him and it’s his choice to not be involved from a young age. My kids know the truth about their dad. I’m afraid you can’t make someone be a dad my advice would have been not to message but what’s done is done

Adoptive parent here, so different circumstances to yours obviously but still dealing with a child who has “absent” parents.

The advice when talking to adopted children about their birth parents is to be honest in an age appropriate way.

And it should be the same with biological absent parents.

Clear simple language explaining that some people are not good at being parents and find it hard to cope with. Perhaps his dad didn’t have good male role models in his own life to show him how to be a good dad?

And think of all of the good people in your sons life who love him very much.

There are some really good books out there which talk about how all families are different which may help him.

I feel for you both OP .. you sound like an amazing thoughtful mum

Well it's 3 weeks now since I emailed and no response. That was my last attempt at communicating with him. His loss. Thanks to everyone who posted.