Overenthusiastic DFriend.

[halpplease]

Hi everyone.

I am struggling with a friend at the moment and need some advice please. I’ve namechanged as pretty sure she is on here!

I have an almost 6mo DS - after sleeping through at 3 months, he has been hit badly by the 4 month sleep regression and wakes every hour or two at night and fights naps during the day. DH is hugely supportive & does what he can with DS and at home, but works ridiculous hours to support us and DS often refuses to settle without a feed at night (he is EBF). I’ve always needed my sleep and am on my knees with exhaustion after several tough weeks. Also I suffered badly with perinatal depression and anxiety during my pregnancy with him following the stillbirth of DS1 a couple of years ago and am still very fragile now, not helped by the lack of sleep.

One of my schoolfriends is in touch via text almost daily and always clamouring to meet up as she lives 5 minutes away. I’m struggling with both aspects of this. I dont enjoy the meetups tbh, I find getting places or hosting with an overtired baby hugely stressful and she also brings her 6yo DS who is a bit of a handful - last time he was here, he tried to kick our poor cat (!) whilst continually shouting over both of us. I’ve mentioned that I am struggling in hope of support but whether it’s in person or over text she either gives out lots of unwanted advice or steers the conversation back to her / her DS. For instance, if I mention losing DS1 and our long and arduous TTC journey for DS2, she jumps in to tell me about her early MC and conceiving her DS the next month after that. (Please dont think I am minimising her MC, I am just giving an example of how the conversation goes). If I say I am struggling, she goes on to tell me all about her early months with her DS and says how well he has turned out, then goes on to give me loads of unasked for advice about all things baby related, none of which I have found particularly useful. She isnt a terrible person, even in my sleep deprived state I am still aware that conversations should be two way, she can only relate her own experiences and I am sure she thinks she is being helpful. I sit and nod and smile but feel so overwhelmed and drained with any interaction with her.

I’d like to keep her as a friend, she has been kind to me in the past and I know she means well now. I could cope if she was in touch or met less frequently, so don’t just want to ignore her or bellow “no is a complete sentence” as I have seen on here (tempting though that is). I’ve tried saying I’m busy etc, as lucky to have family around whom I am more relaxed about seeing, but she sort of hounds me til I text back / give in and agree to meeting up. I’m so tired I can’t think of a tactful way to address this situation, and it’s really getting me down so would be grateful for any advice (on friend, and if anyone has anything on 6mo baby sleep that doesnt just involve co sleeping - which we are doing!! - that is very welcome too!!)

I understand OP. I also hear that you want to keep her as a friend. I had a kind of similar (but also not ) situation where two friends were just being too much and really upsetting me. Actually on the advice on my post on here I blocked them both and went no contact and have been so much happier since.

But I just wanted to say that I understand how bloody hard it is when you've lost a child. So have I. And I understand that someone going on about MCs dont help. That IS baby loss yes but I've had a MC and a late stillbirth, and also have very good friends who have had neonatal deaths and they just aren't comparable. One of the two friends I blocked had just had a baby and kept saying how grateful she was that she didn't lose him. After I DID lose my son. That was my last straw and I've cut her off since .

I think, tragically, that bar the very very few, our losses just become history to people. But to us it's as real as it was the day it happened, however many years on. And so when they make comments, forget, don't say their name, all these things it's very hurtful... But then life moves on for them but not for us.

I don't have advice on what to do but I am very sure rhe wise ladies of MN will have something more than me but I'm sorry for your loss, and congratulations on your little one. Whilst other people may think it's the case, I know one, will never replace the other x

Can you say I am exhausted with lack of sleep, I'm sure you can remember how hard it was with (6yr old). I am not good company at the moment so I will let you know when I feel more human again and will enjoy meeting up.
Or say you will text on a morning when it's good weather & meet in the park (so her little darling can run off his energy rather than torturing your poor cat).

@YarnOver A huge thank you for your kind and hugely understanding response - it means such a lot to feel understood and not dismissed. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your DS too and for the comments that you have had. If I had a penny for everytime someone said something daft or hurtful after losing our boy, I'd be a very rich woman by now... it's so hard isn't it. You never forget xx

@CoffeeBeansGalore thank you, I think I can use some of that. She has told me that her DS slept very well because she refused to follow a routine and just took him along wherever she went, so don't think she gets the tiredness aspect of things. Or maybe she doesn't remember.

Yes I am feeling awful abour our poor lovely cat. It's bad enough for me but she doesn't deserve that!

Does anyone think that I should try and be honest about why I want to take a step back? Or is there no tactful way of doing that without destroying the friendship forever?

I'm so sorry for your loss

Maybe "I'm absolutely exhausted physically and emotionally at the moment. Please don't be offended, I love you loads [or whatever's appropriate] , but I'm just finding things a bit much and need to have a bit of time out? Let's meet up [in a fortnight or however long] for a walk to the park and chat then?"

I would not be critical of the friendship if you want it to continue.
If it was me, I would say that I’m not in a good place right now and I’m exhausted. I would then limit contact with her by reducing the no of replies. Eg reply only at 8pm every evening. If she phones. reply with a quick text saying you are in the middle of something and will reply later. It isn’t cutting her off but you are taking control.
It isn’t the bravest way to sort out issues.
It sounds like she is over dependent on you. If you want to meet, don’t meet in your home. You have too little control about the duration of the visit. Instead suggest a walk in the local park. If the conversation isn’t going well, you are still getting exercise.
But it may be time to rethink the friendship if meeting her stresses you.

Thank you so much @category12 and @Dancingonmoonlight.
@Dancingonmoonlight actually having written it all out it is making me think about the friendship tbh - selfishly I feel I have enough to cope with right now without dreading interacting with her, well meaning as she is.

It's not selfish to take care of yourself. A friendship ideally brings pleasure and support and good stuff to your life, if you're regularly going away from it feeling drained or worse than you started, then there's something awry.

The point is she is well-meaning on her terms. She isn’t thinking about you. You have to think about you! So I think the above messages are perfect. Take care and I hope things get better for you soon x

I’d recommend tactful honesty. Something like “Hi schoolfriend, I hope you don’t mind me texting this it’s just harder to discus in person. I’m really struggling with my mental health and am not up for meet ups at the moment. I feel terrible saying no, so do you mind if I let you know when I’m feeling up for meeting rather than inviting me? You’ve always been a good friend so I know you’ll understand.”

@Radio4ordie

I’d recommend tactful honesty. Something like “Hi schoolfriend, I hope you don’t mind me texting this it’s just harder to discus in person. I’m really struggling with my mental health and am not up for meet ups at the moment. I feel terrible saying no, so do you mind if I let you know when I’m feeling up for meeting rather than inviting me? You’ve always been a good friend so I know you’ll understand.”

I like that one, although I might replace 'mental health' with 'emotional/physical energy' or something to avoid possible "I'm so worried about you!" type calls.

Thank you all. I'm going to try and cobble a text together when (if??) DS sleeps this afternoon, based on the really helpful messages you've put together for me. I think it's fair to say that I need some space without blaming her, but I need to be firm about it.