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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

First date ever - He's infatuated, I'm not.

24 replies

Lomita277 · 11/07/2021 10:42

I'm two years out of a long marriage, ex DH had an affair, walked out on me. Recently a lovely new friend of mine who has been OLD encouraged me to try a dating app so I did. I intended it to have fun and to make some new contacts with men for coffee, meals out, company, etc. Initially, not impressed at all by the men on the app (50 + dating). However, one reached out to me in a really honest way and gave me his number. We have met for two walks already. Here's the thing: We have loads in common, similar personalities, similar life experience. He seems really into me and has said so. I like him, and in a way I feel like he's definitely one of the nicer, more sincere people out there. My ex was an attractive narcissist drawn to drama and extremes and this guy is very calm and even tempered. He seems, though, like he really wants to start serious relationship soon and I don't know if I am afraid, or if it is too early for me but I find myself really hesitant. Also, and I know this is terrible, but physically, I don't find him 100% my type or up to the ideal that I feel I am looking for (and don't worry I am certainly not a perfect 10 or even 7 or 8). I keep telling myself that I don't want a person in my life who is shallow and attractive, I want someone who will treat me well. But I don't know if I want someone at all yet??? I recently listened to a brilliant interview with Rihanna made a few years ago and she said that her grandmother advised her to pick a man who loves her more than she loves him because women are always more giving than men...I don't know what to do. I do want someone in my life, but he seems to want to move ahead really quickly. But he does seem nicer and better than some of the others on the OLD. Advice?

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 11/07/2021 10:47

What's his housing situation? A lot of men on OLD are looking to move in with a woman for cocklodging reasons, so will appear very keen from the first date.

Anyway, don't be rushed into a relationship you don't want.

SGBK4862 · 11/07/2021 10:52

You don't need to settle for anyone who doesn't feel right for you. But have you really given it a chance? People can grow on you. Is there a way you can get him to slow things down but keep seeing him?

Lomita277 · 11/07/2021 10:53

He has his own place (actually lives and works in a different city) so I don't feel he's under pressure to move. I certainly wouldn't move for anyone as I am happy where I am.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 11/07/2021 10:54

It sounds like you don't really fancy him

KirstenBlest · 11/07/2021 10:56

He could be lovebombing yoiu.

If you go out with someone you are not attracted to, you run the risk of one day finding out that your partner is an unattractive man who doesn't give a shit about you.

VodkaSlimline · 11/07/2021 11:04

I don't think you need to decide now whether to commit to a serious relationship with him and if he is pushing for that, it's a red flag. What if you just keep casually seeing him (and other people too) and see how it goes?

Lomita277 · 11/07/2021 11:10

I am conflicted between trying to slow it down and to give him a chance and maybe listening to my intuition that says it's not exactly what I want. Also, I have finally got to the point where I am happy on my own and with my own friend and activities and I'm not feeling a huge need to be in an exclusive relationship.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 11/07/2021 11:19

Look, he's a stranger. You've been on 2 walks. To try to get a commitment form someone at suchj an early stage is really weird, and I'd dump him for that.

This is nothing to do with being afraid of a relationship and everything to do with normal boundaries and understanding that dating is a discovery phase, to see if you are a good fit together. How can you judge that at the moment?

You need more due diligence. He's throwing up one big red flag - more may well follow.

Dating a few people at a time is a good way to keep from getting too involved too soon, as others have suggested.

At this point, there should be nothing to 'slow down' . You are hardly off the starting blocks!

BaggageReclaim.co.uk is a brilliant site iff you are new to dating, Go to the blog section and search for 'dating' and you will gets lots of great advice

NautaOcts · 11/07/2021 11:22

Maybe proceed but strictly on your terms and keep it casual.
Would a bloke be agonising like this? No he’s just respond to messages when he wanted, in the way that he wanted and do it on his terms. If what you’re ready for is not enough for him then he has the option to move on.
Keep a cool head definitely.

cookiecreampie · 11/07/2021 11:35

There are people out there who treat you right and who you would also be attracted to. I wouldn't settle for someone who wasn't both. If you don't fancy him, don't waste his and your time.

category12 · 11/07/2021 12:12

Sounds like he's love-bombing you and mirroring you.

Take everything he says with a massive massive pinch of salt. Like a bucketful. You don't know this guy is even tempered and calm, you barely know him. Don't invest too much in him, don't get swept away by him.

Probably date others at the same time to stop yourself getting too carried away.

Lomita277 · 11/07/2021 12:24

I am so glad I threw my questions out there, because I needed the perspective that you all just gave me!!! Christmas fluff- I'll definitely check out the website you recommend. And - I will date a few others, that's what I was hoping to do. Sure this guy thinks we are practically already in a relationship. Would a bloke be agonising over this? Definitely not!

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 11/07/2021 13:49

A love bomber. Anyone 'infatuated' aftertwo dates and talking about exculsivity/moving fast isn't normal. Narcissists are all individuals so are all different in many ways. Dont fall into the trap of thinking 'he seems nothing like my be so he cant be one'.

Either way, always listen to your instincts. You are entitled to want what you want and live life on your terms. You dont have to pander to his wishes.

JustAnotherOldMan · 11/07/2021 14:18

Hi OP, I’m on a 50+ dating web site as well, I’d never get that attached after a couple of dates, but to be honest finding it a struggle as some people only seem to want to chat about their kids or Ex’s

Fountaining · 11/07/2021 14:22

@ChristmasFluff

Look, he's a stranger. You've been on 2 walks. To try to get a commitment form someone at suchj an early stage is really weird, and I'd dump him for that.

This is nothing to do with being afraid of a relationship and everything to do with normal boundaries and understanding that dating is a discovery phase, to see if you are a good fit together. How can you judge that at the moment?

You need more due diligence. He's throwing up one big red flag - more may well follow.

Dating a few people at a time is a good way to keep from getting too involved too soon, as others have suggested.

At this point, there should be nothing to 'slow down' . You are hardly off the starting blocks!

BaggageReclaim.co.uk is a brilliant site iff you are new to dating, Go to the blog section and search for 'dating' and you will gets lots of great advice

Good post. You've been on two walks, so a total of what less than six hours in one another's company? I mean, I take more time than that to commit to a box set. Definitely make it clear that you're in the 'discovery' phase, and with more than one person (at least, if you want to date more and even if you don't, I'd be making it plain to Mr Infatuated that this is how you view the situation, and that if he wants exclusivity, he's barking up the wrong tree.)
Lomita277 · 11/07/2021 14:50

@JustAnotherOldMan

Hi OP, I’m on a 50+ dating web site as well, I’d never get that attached after a couple of dates, but to be honest finding it a struggle as some people only seem to want to chat about their kids or Ex’s
The last thing I would chat about would be kids or ex. The more I try and work it out in my head as to why I need to slow it down the more I feel that it is the physical attraction that is not there. And that is pretty important isn't it?
OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 11/07/2021 15:21

Of course the physical attraction has to be there, it’s the initial spark, but after that you need to find someone that you actually want to be with, that holds some interest, what’s the point of an Adonis (or Venus), if they have all the wit of a damp sponge… that’s what I’m struggling with right now, oh well ho hum.

Naunet · 11/07/2021 17:23

Also, and I know this is terrible, but physically, I don't find him 100% my type or up to the ideal that I feel I am looking for

Why is that awful? It’s perfectly normal to want to be attracted to a man you’d be sleeping with. Women have a sexuality too, we’re not robots, grateful for attention from any man who smiles at us! Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Naunet · 11/07/2021 17:25

@JustAnotherOldMan

Of course the physical attraction has to be there, it’s the initial spark, but after that you need to find someone that you actually want to be with, that holds some interest, what’s the point of an Adonis (or Venus), if they have all the wit of a damp sponge… that’s what I’m struggling with right now, oh well ho hum.
There’s a middle ground. You can find someone attractive AND like their personality.
JustAnotherOldMan · 11/07/2021 19:10

@Naunet
100% agree, but I’m struggling to meet anyone who has a personality I like right now.

seensome · 11/07/2021 19:32

Don't waste your time on someone that doesn't give you any excitement to be with, it's not shallow for wanting to them be attractive to you either, the earlier you nip it in the bud and end it the better.

Mermaidwaves · 13/07/2021 12:29

I get you OP, it's really hard finding a decent bloke OLD who actually wants a relationship not just casual sex right? BUT your gut is telling you something, do you get a little worried knot in your stomach if you think about him? It's your instincts telling you something is not quite right. I've ignored that feeling a few times then regretted it as my initial feelings were right. Maybe give it some more time but put your own needs first.

Sunshineandflipflops · 13/07/2021 12:42

Of course you need to be attracted to someone. That doesn't necessarily mean they have to look like Brad Pitt (sadly didn't find any of those myself on OLD) but we all find different things attractive in different people and if there is nothing there that does that for you physically then you shouldn't just settle because he is nice. Find someone who is nice and who you fancy!

I must admit, I have never really had the thunderbolt when I've first seen/met someone because for me, I need to know someone a little before I can feel very attracted to them, but you know if there's something that could start a spark quite early.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/07/2021 13:09

You don't owe this guy or any guy anything, don't stop yourself meeting more people just because you're trying to #BeKind. This is your time now, do whatever suits you

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