Pregnant but relationship is dead

[Confusedmama1234]

Hi Mumsnet

I have a dilemma that has been ongoing for the past few years. I have been with partner for 12 years, we got together when we were 18 when travelling. He's an aussi, I'm from Europe. I feel like over time we have grown into different people and for the past few years I haven't been happy in the relationship. We moved to Australia and I got unexpectedly pregnant. The move was never meant to be permanent, but since having my first baby, I have wanted to move home so badly as I have no support network here. I've felt so isolated, was crippled with depression afterwards, even to the point where I had a mental breakdown and was hospitalised in the mental health unit.

I miss my family so much, but despite asking and asking, my partner says no. He tells me "please be my guest and piss off home, but you're not taking my daughter with you". Unfortunately due to the Hague convention, I would technically be kidnapping my daughter if I went home with her without his permission.

Anyway this is causing a huge rift in our relationship. The anger and resentment is only growing and I feel like I hate my partner sometimes. He says we have a better life here, and I do get that - weathers better, job prospects, more chance to earn money. I have been to countless psychologist and have tried and tried to be positive and make the most of the opportunities here, but after 5 years I still feel so empty and like I'm missing out on life by not being near my family.

Anyway, in attempt to embrace life here, I now find myself pregnant with baby #2. Mainly because I want to give baby #1 a sibling. But I'm so scared about the depression impending afterwards, the increased isolation and increased difficulty in raising two with no support. I don't know if I'll cope. My partner and I argue all the time and I'm struggling to find anything I like about him anymore. We used to have such a laugh but I feel like we're just dead now with nothing to talk about.

My thoughts now are do I terminate the pregnancy, split up with him and give up on any dreams of ever moving home? Or keep trying in my relationship and trying to convince him that we all move together? I don't want to split my family up, but I don't know how I can cope much longer. Plus with travel bans, I don't know how long it will be until I can visit home.

Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated. I can't talk to any friends or family about this.

Thanks so much in advance!

Can I ask why you can't talk to friends of family about this? Maybe they'd be able to offer support and help you bring your daughter home xx

I would keep the baby, seek legal advice and see what your options are. In the mean time look at ways of making a life for yourself and your children.

What state are you in? Gives a better idea of what supports are available for you.

It won't be easy leaving (even staying in the same area etc) it'll be hard work by yourself but the happiness and relief you will feel will make it worth it. Your child/Ren deserves a happy mother.

Not sure how long you've been here but Centrelink should be able to help financially and with referral to supports etc.

It's not really about you any and your dreams anymore is it? You chose to have a child, and now you have a second on the way. Perhaps it's time to start working on your relationship and put some of your energy into that rather than misdirecting it in a self-destructive way.

The truth is, it is his daughter, and it would be selfish to rip her away from her father and out of her environment for your own selfish desires. It's a hard truth, but the second you chose to have a child you gave up the right for everything to be about you.

Well first of all I would definitely split..maybe you find Australia so bad cause you are with the wrong person. I am also living in another country and i am pregnant and I know it will be difficult without my parents being here but being in such a great relationship and having a supportive husband make things look very easy.

My opinion is that you feel like this because you are with someone that makes you miserable. Get out, take care of yourself, build a new life.

Regarding the 2nd pg,I'm sorry but i can't give you any advice :(. if you do split then it'll be difficult to do it alone..

I think your relationship is compounding or causing your misery in Australia. I would look at options to leave him first and go from there with an open mind in terms of whether you can be happy in Australia with the DC but living apart from this man. You don't like each other anymore, no amount of therapy can make that a pleasant environment to live in.

Where in Australia are you?
Do you have a career?
Can you seperate? It sounds like the relationship is over, I understand not being able to move home with the children but often being a single mum with a network can be a better option.