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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Strange situation

17 replies

Kee67 · 10/07/2021 22:54

I was with my DD dad for 10years got together when I was 18, weve now been separated 2 and a half years. Last year for my DDs birthday we went on a day out together, since then we have been spending more days together. We recently went on a night away for DDs birthday. It was a little odd. Even though I felt weve been really good friends I felt a tiny bit uneasy that we were together.

When I woke the next morning he was putting a coffee next to my bedside table (I shared room with DD) which made me feel a little odd.

Tonight when he dropped DD off he was acting very bizarre so i messaged him tonight to ask what's wrong and he said we need to stop these family days out for his sanity and it's not good for DD. He said when were all together he gets feelings and he cant do it anymore.

I feel so guilty and upset tonight, and I really dont know what to do or even what to say. The reason we broke up was because there was a lot of EA and I come away from the relationship at rock bottom. I feel like I've come such a long way and have really built myself back up. But I feel sick with guilt tonight.

When I previously left the relationship I had to have counselling for the guilt I felt for him (he wouldnt accept it was off) and the guilt I felt for DD.

My head feels all over the place tonight, I dont know if I'm asking for advice or just need to open up to someone.

OP posts:

ThePoetsWife · 10/07/2021 23:26

Wtf are you doing having family day outs?

He should be seeing DD on his own.

Original poster

Kee67 · 10/07/2021 23:29

He does see DD on his own he has a day with her at the weekend. We started celebrating events together such as birthdays /christmases but seems to have spiralled lately

OP posts:

lilmishap · 11/07/2021 00:05

He wasn't forced into this against his will so don't beat yourself up too much. He's decided it doesn't work for him so now you both know where the boundary is. It's a process.

Work with whatever the counselling taught you to get your head on straight. Are you sure it's just guilt?

PumpkinKlNG · 11/07/2021 00:22

Agree with the pp saying don’t spend time with your ex, slightly different situation but my ex use to come to my house to see our kids as he was unable to take them to his, I found the situation very uncomfortable as it was
Like still being a couple, we would sit and watch tv he would order food etc, it was so uncomfortable that one time when he came I stayed in my room as I felt uncomfortable and he refused to see them after that as he said I was acting weird so he won’t come again. At least your ex has told you he feels uncomfortable in the situation, he’s entitled to feel that way and I don’t think exes need to spend time together in the way that you are. Boundaries are a good thing!

sadie9 · 11/07/2021 00:26

These days out aren't being arranged by the fairies. Either you or him are initiating them. Its not good for your DD either to be playing happy families.
Why the hell would he put a coffee beside your bed? That's controlling and marking of territory. It's not being 'nice'. It's over stepping a mark.
You are blurring the boundaries. Don't get lured into messaging him.

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 06:25

It's fine, don't feel guilty. It worked before but now it's not working and boundaries are starting to get blurry. You could just say OK, we'll stop the family days out. I wouldn't try and engage with him about the bit about him getting feelings, it wasn't fair of him to tell you that.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 11/07/2021 06:36

Sounds like he's being sensible knocking these on the head - it's unnecessary and confusing to have family days out and stays away when you're separated. No need to feel guilty, just move on from it. If you feel sad about them ending then have a good think about what purpose they were serving for you.

Proudmumtoday · 11/07/2021 06:38

He’s right. The boundaries got blurred and he’s realised it’s not a good idea.

Yellowhighheels · 11/07/2021 07:10

Nothing to feel guilty about, you've tried this approach of doing more things together and it hasn't worked. No harm done. Your ex has expressed this in quite a dramatic way, which has upset you because it is reminiscent of his previous emotional manipulation but essentially all he's said is that he wants to go back to doing things 1-1 with your daughter. Fine.

girlmom21 · 11/07/2021 07:21

Everyone here is right. You're not a family unit anymore and acting as one massively blurs the lines.

It's not fair on anyone.

snowwhit3 · 11/07/2021 07:42

I don't think he's actually realised they're not a good idea. He's just trying to mess with your head and hint that he still has feelings for you to make you feel guilty again (since you've finally gotten over the guilt you should never have had).

He knows what he's doing and is trying to manipulate it

romdowa · 11/07/2021 07:45

It's a pity that these days out can't continue really. My parents separated when I was 9 but they made the effort to have us spend time as a family and they are some of the best memories of my life. We were never confused or found it distressing , we understood that they were still separated but it was nice to see they could be too civil adults and didn't hate each other. Looking back the fact that they could put us above their own feelings was probably one of the best decisions they ever made and they made few.

Windmillwhirl · 11/07/2021 07:47

You clearly had good intentions but the reality is it's not working and he was right to say so.

Not sure if the coffee is a marking of territory though, as someone implied. Sometimes a coffee is just a coffee.

FreeBritnee · 11/07/2021 07:51

He’s playing with your feelings again. Making you confused and guilty. Honestly just extract yourself from this and either stick to high days and holidays or nothing at all.

PumpkinKlNG · 11/07/2021 08:49

I don’t agree with the pp saying he is manipulating and playing with ops feelings would people be saying the same thing If it was the op who had feelings and wanted to end the family days out? Doubt it? Not sure why the op though family days out with someone who use to he emotionally abusive was going to be a good idea anyway

snowwhit3 · 11/07/2021 10:26

@PumpkinKlNG

If the OP had history of emotionally abusing him then yes I probably would

Original poster

Kee67 · 11/07/2021 18:49

I only started spending time as a family because my little girl loves it.

@romdowa I agree I think family time is really important and I want her to have lots of happy childhood memories.

He said he wouldnt want us to end up meeting other people and then for DD to blame that person for family time ending.

I can see his point I just feel a bit upset.

OP posts:

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