Please help.

[Sophia43361]

Ok long story straight I’m not happy with my partner he’s arrogant crontrolling and all the traits of an narcissist.
I always say dream about people moving out of these relationships and finding someone new.
I would love to hear stories of how people changed there lives around after an abuse relationship.
I really need to some help in moving on it’s just the fear of not ever finding the man who loves me for me and adores me.

Is this saying true “there’s always someone out there for everyone”
“You will find your someone one day”
Is this true

Hiya, okay so I was with my abusive ex 8 years, well lived together that amount of time, on and off before that. Had our DC and lived together nearly two years of their life, but we had housing issues and had to leave where we were, ex didn't want to help assist with accommodation and I had to go and stay with family, some might think that didn't sound like a typical abuse situation, but it's all part and parcel one way or the other, it was a shambles last year and after meeting on our own one day, big mistake, I told him it was over(not that it had been properly together for a long time) he didn't take it well, and still to this day asks me if there is any chance to change my mind 🙄 but aside from my health woes, exhaustion, doing pretty much everything, the money worries, the hard work, the peace and freedom and calm of me and my DC just being us at home is priceless!!
I am in the middle of sorting out something official, as we only have an informal plan in place at the moment, and I don't want to leave anything to chance!!

@Sophia43361

Ok long story straight I’m not happy with my partner he’s arrogant crontrolling and all the traits of an narcissist. I always say dream about people moving out of these relationships and finding someone new. I would love to hear stories of how people changed there lives around after an abuse relationship. I really need to some help in moving on it’s just the fear of not ever finding the man who loves me for me and adores me.

Hey I've replied, but forgot to add, it depends how much you really need or want another man, otherwise you don't need to worry.

You don’t need stories.

You need to leave.

Hello, my last relationship was with a narc. The love bombing, cruelty, silent treatment, guilt tripping me into sex, made me question my sanity… eventually I woke up. He threw a tantrum in a restaurant and it was so embarrassing I knew I had to leave. I set about planning to leave him then and start to finish it was about a month. Lining up friends to support me by telling them everything - it’s important you do this. It will make you do it & not reverse your decision. When I finally did it… my ex threatened to kill himself (I said I’d phone his sister), we worked together & he said he’d speak to HR & get me fired (I told my boss everything & she was amazing) and finally he tried to love bomb me again. Idiot. He was an idiot as was I looking back but I forgive myself.

ANYWAY… I felt the same as you and I have recently met someone (2 years later & I do urge you to be single for a good period of time now). He’s amazing. They are chalk and cheese. I just can’t even believe what I have now vs that. I even laugh about it because it’s so ridiculous.

Good luck, be strong and save yourself x

Oh and 100% get a therapist. Changed my life so much. I love myself now and because of that it will never happen again.

You need to work to be ok yourself, without a man. Only then will you be strong enough to accept the right one.

@ThePurplePalace
Go happy to hear this for you. You must be so happy and proud of yourself.
After you left him did you have a guilt because you left?
And how to you make yourself stick to your guns and not to back because they can be so manipulative.

You don't need an alternative man to love and adore you in order to leave someone who treats you like shit. I left an abusive relationship. My life improved immensely despite the ongoing attempts to control me and manipulation via my DC.

I don’t know if it’s true that there’s someone out there for everyone but I do know that you’re not going to find him while you’re still in this relationship.

And being single and happy is wayyyyyy better than attached and miserable isn’t it?

Time to leave.

(As you asked for stories: I left my H of 20 years. We were incompatible and I’d been unhappy for a long time. He was at times abusive but not all the time. It was really painful but 100% the right thing to do.

One year later I met someone new. He is really good for me and good to me. Completely different to exH in personality and how he conducts himself towards me. We have been together for 6 years now.

So yes, you can leave and you might meet someone better.)

You need to not need a man.

I think your problem lies in thinking you NEED a man at all!

Your fear of being single is keeping you trapped in an abusive relationship.

Quite honestly with that attitude/belief even if you did manage to leave this abusive relationship you would be incredibly vulnerable to falling into another.

You need to leave this relationship (I think you know this) but you also need to be single for a good while and get some good therapy to address this false and unhealthy belief.

Regarding manipulating you into going back to him - do you have dc together? Cos if not then just cut him completely off!

Don't give him your new address, block him on phone/email/sm even get new accounts if necessary. Have nothing more to do with him

Even if you do have dc together ONLY deal with him regarding dc - the second he starts on about anything else cut him off.

I've been single 18 years, to all intents and purposes. I've dated but not met anyone worth settling down with. I wasn't leaving an abusive relationship my ex cheated but I recognised I needed some breathing space first so I didn't date for a couple years after split.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single and its miles better than being in an abusive relationship.

My parents relationship was abusive and she was miserable and she's wasted her life staying with him - don't be her

Two completely separate issues -

1. You clearly need to leave (it has nothing to do with whether you will find someone else. Being alone would be better than being with this person).
2. You can be very happy being single, but if you feel that you would prefer to be in a relationship, there is absolutely going to be someone out there much more suited to you than him.

You seem to be looking at this as though the choice is Stay with awful man as that's better than nothing v unknown. When actually the choice is Leave awful man and definitely be happier v unknown but it will definitely be better.

[quote Sophia43361]@ThePurplePalace
Go happy to hear this for you. You must be so happy and proud of yourself.
After you left him did you have a guilt because you left?
And how to you make yourself stick to your guns and not to back because they can be so manipulative.[/quote]
Hello, no, I didn’t feel guilty once I hit my limit and I was determined it would end but I did when I had a few false starts. I think we broke up every 2-3 months until the big blow up.

I knew all the games he’d play so saw it as that rather than him genuinely being sad. He was sad to lose his puppet. If they love you, they treat you right & with respect but I had to get to that lightbulb moment.

I really found talking about the things that had happened with friends stopped me reverting and falling back into the relationship. Once I saw their faces & I used them knowing as accountability, there was no way back.

You can absolutely do this. It will hurt initially but I promise within a few months you’ll be free and questioning how the hell it all happened. I definitely recommend therapy to work through that x

Step 1: Leave
Step 2: Learn to love yourself and have self respect.

If you want a story, that's it. You come out the other end a self confident person who makes their life work the way they want, and doesn't need somebody to hold their hand.

How to stick to your guns? Take responsibility.