Not sure what to do

[adviceseekingnamechanger]

Does anyone feel like they'll just never be happy?

I just messed things up with a man I am completely in love with and I feel so despondent. He was so loving towards me for a month and has now withdrawn that affection, and I just feel so low. I can't believe this has happened.

For context, my v bad marriage ended and my best friend and I realised we had feeling for each other. So we started something (marriage has been over long before we formally separated). I'm also recovering from serious illness and recently bereaved. There's a lot going on.

But we had such a happy wonderful month together.

Then we went away with friends. We agreed to keep it secret (looks bad given my marriage only just technically ended and I don't want STBXH to find out, not that he'd really care). But it felt like an emotional withdrawal and indifference not being together around friends and I really struggled with it because that's what STBXH did to me. And friend also said he didn't find it hard to be platonic for the weekend. So I got drunk and got quite braggy and attention seeking, which is v unlike me.

And it feels like he's gone right off me because of this one night. He was actually also an arse when drunk h the e other night and I didn't hold it against him, and tried to reassure him it was ok, because it was, we all have our moments.

I just feel so sad and like I've messed it up. I asked to go back to being friends for a bit while I recover from all the massive things going on in my life, and tbh, it was ridiculous to start something up when we did.

I just feel sad this man who I thought was so wonderful seems to be judging me so unfairly (I wasn't that bad when drunk) and I hate the change in status. I miss how loving he was towards me. I feel like I'll never find someone who loves me despite my flaws. I'm really not any kind of awful person. I'm just struggling so much. I feel so desperate to be loved and cherished and I feel like I lost my shot at it. I just don't know what to do.

He's said he's waiting for me to recover but I don't know if he really does want something with me.

Sorry for the essay. God I sound like a fucking teenager.

What were you braggy and attention seeking about specifically? Why is that that bad?

How long was there between actually leaving your husband and getting together with your best friend?

And what were you bragging about and how were you attention seeking?

I was saying how much I loved the playlist I created, criticised him for being slow at doing something, tried to move a crossword so I could see it better, called him boring for doing a crossword when we were drinking, boasted a bit about getting onto a prestigious scheme (but then, I've been a sahm and cancer patient for 5 years, it's nice to finally feel successful at something and when not drunk I'm actually v humble and self-deprecating). All small stuff I would have thought, but apparently enough to knock me off my small pedestal.

@Romanoff

How long was there between actually leaving your husband and getting together with your best friend?

And what were you bragging about and how were you attention seeking?

Three weeks (marriage over realistically for two years) but when I write that down I can see how insane it was.

Three weeks (marriage over realistically for two years) but when I write that down I can see how insane it was.

Honestly, I was in the same position. My marriage was over before I ended it.

But you know 3 weeks is far too soon. And if you are honest, you knew you had feelings before you ended the marriage.

You weren't this man's best friend, ended you marriage then caught feelings. And if you did, it's not genuine feelings. It was the emotional shock of ending the marriage.

I really thought I was ok, when I ended my marriage. I wasn't I was just numb. I made bad decisions. Had sex with someone a few weeks later. Thought I had strong feelings. I didn't. We just bonded as both of our marriages had been shit and we had both just ended them. The sex was good.

But I shouldn't have got involved. It caused loads of pain that I could have avoided. If I had just give myself time.

But luckily, this man wasn't a huge loss. He wasn't a close friend. I just don't see him anymore and it's OK.

You aren't ready for this. Even if your marriage was over for years, this is still a difficult time.

If he was really your best friend, that drunken behaviour wouldn't have been enough for him To not be interested. Your best friend would think you were a dick, laugh it off and move on from it.

I definitely did have feelings for him before the marriage ended, yes.

Thank you so much for your reply. Lots for me to think over, I really appreciate it.

I am sorry, its probably not what you wanted to hear.

But I have been there, I do get how you end up here.

You aren't the only one. I promise it gets better. I know people say it alot. But being alone for a while is really helpful. I have been in a relationship for a while and I enjoy it so much more knowing that I am ok alone too.
It takes away the temptation to rush into things or hold on to things longer than I should.

Good luck.

It was the emotional shock of ending the marriage.

This is my impression too. The size of the emotions you're talking about don't make sense for the scenario. It's more like the complex and intense web of emotions from your marriage ending, your illness and the bereavement all being activated by this. (I'm also not convinced he sounds such a great catch, or whether you're repeating patterns from the marriage).

You need to give yourself time to process things and heal before launching into another relationship. You haven't said what "bad marriage" means (e.g. whether that's a euphemism for abuse) but that also suggests you will need recovery time from that, as highlighted by the way you're being triggered and potentially accepting being treated.

Try and treat yourself with a bit more compassion. There is evidence that the central nervous system responds to self-compassion in essentially the same way as receiving compassion from another person, so it will make a difference in reducing your distress.

@Romanoff

I am sorry, its probably not what you wanted to hear.

But I have been there, I do get how you end up here.

You aren't the only one. I promise it gets better. I know people say it alot. But being alone for a while is really helpful. I have been in a relationship for a while and I enjoy it so much more knowing that I am ok alone too.
It takes away the temptation to rush into things or hold on to things longer than I should.

Good luck.

Very wise advice.

Learning when to let go of things or "give up" - rather than clinging on for dear life regardless of how bad or unhealthy something is - is a really important skill.

Knowing when to walk away is not "failing".

Thanks so much for the replies, I do think you're right. I'm just so sad that it feels like another thing I've lost. It's a lot to deal with.

Have you not heard from him
Since? X

No we're still hanging out as friends. Which I do know is all we can be for now. But it's sad.

When I ended my marriage admit a serious emotional, physical and financial abuse I was up shit creek without a bean. Cue best friend from university coming over to put up fences and help etc (confirmed bachelor in his 40 s never had a girlfriend) he then told me he would buy ex out of the house and I would never ever have to work again - he was a millionaire and he’d just move in the spare room to be on hand etc whilst I thought about marriage etc I panicked and said I needed time and he dumped me from everything we had been friend on Facebook for over 10 years etc but kept in touch for 20 years. He just literally vanished. I did contact him a couple of years later as I found something of his that needed to be posted to him but I had a lovely lovely escape from Him! He is still single and has moved his parents into his mansion, still has no friends etc (he only had me) almost a weird obsession and you have to understand 3 weeks is not a relationship it’s a fantasy relationship - back off and heal yourself

Really as friends? So you have talked an ended it and it's back to how it was before?

I only ask, because its like I am replying to my past self. Its so very similar.

I don't think you can be just friends......

@Romanoff

Really as friends? So you have talked an ended it and it's back to how it was before?

I only ask, because its like I am replying to my past self. Its so very similar.

Exactly that. I don't know if we can be just friends. It felt odd being around him last night. I'm so annoyed at myself for starting something that could have been so good at the right time. I just feel like he's not into me anymore and is fine with being just friends. What an idiot I've been.

I don’t think you should beat yourself up at all, it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything really wrong, if he’s put off by something as minor as what you’ve described he isn’t worth anything- it shows him up as shallow and very fairweather.

You’ll end up chasing the idea of it/him rather than focusing on your recovery from everything you’ve been through.

If you were a little obnoxious when drunk and that was enough to put him off you then it sounds like he wasnt that interested. It also sounds like the only attention you were seeking - was his. Whilst he had his nose in a crossword. A month into dating I would probably have wondered wtf his attentions were on a paper and not me as well!

You talk about 'agreeing to keep it secret'
But I'd bet that that was his idea. Either that or you then realised that you wanted him to say 'I dont want you as a secret, I want to tell ppl you are my gf'. And he didn't.

Honestly op I'd take some time single. You are just out of a marriage. No need to jump into something else. Your marriage ending was because you realised you didnt love him enough. Sure,the thing that highlighted you to that was liking your friend. But even without that you were right to leave your ex. Just remember that. You left to do right by yourself. Not just to be with someone else.

I suggest taking time out from the 'friendship' too. Because he isn't actually your friend anymore. He is someone you like. So you cant go back to friendship. But you have stuff to work out yourself before dating again. Like learning how to be happy in your own company again. Maybe drop contact and hit him up in a year or so for some casual dating if he fancies it.

I've been in a similar position OP - it's shit tbh. But I agree with PPs that if this was really "meant to be" the n you being a bit loud and drunk wouldn't have put him off.

Yes you might be a bit all over the place at the moment - but would you really want a relationship with someone who could only handle you when you were being sensible, sober and calm? I mean what would happen if you had a personal crisis like a bereavement of health issues or job loss? Would he just go "Woah, too heavy for me babe, I'm out" and bugger off into the sunset?

For me personally, I'd not try to rebuild a close friendship with him right now either. See him as part of your friendship group, but concentrate on strengthening friendships with other people.

🌸 For you - breakups are always shit even when you've known it's been over a while. Don't set such high expectations and castigate yourself for not being ready for dating yet - give yourself a break and take things at a pace that's right for YOU.

@takemehometoasda
Try and treat yourself with a bit more compassion. There is evidence that the central nervous system responds to self-compassion in essentially the same way as receiving compassion from another person, so it will make a difference in reducing your distress.

I'd never heard this before - thanks for posting it, definitely one to remember in future!