What is the best to do?

[LoveMySituation]

Wasn't sure where to put this. It's personal, but can't be bothered with changing name. I have a son. He's almost 17. He doesn't live with me. He currently lives a few minutes from me. Rural area. He's about to go to college for possibly four years. Him and the person he lives with are moving for travel reasons. They are moving back to the town he was born in, five miles away, where I grew up, I never want to see that town again. I've been there, done that, I've outgrown it.

I hate where I am, so wouldn't stay here. I want to go somewhere else,somewhere I've wanted to be for a long time, somewhere I love. The only time he contacts me is if I've done something wrong in his eyes, or he wants something. Occasionally I'll get an answer to a text, so I know he wants me to stay here. But won't tell me why.

I feel like I'm not really living a life here-no transport, so I'm stuck.So difficult to find things that I need, like MH support. But I feel I'm just leaving him again(I was in an awful state after having him, and left for several years)but then I think,he's almost an adult, doesn't want me around anyway, and I really don't want to go back to where I came. I don't know what to do. I don't want to have to move again in a couple of years, when he really will be an adult. I didn't know they were going to do this, and in some ways, it's what I want,but I feel guilty. If you got to the end of this mess, thank you

Hello LoveMySituation
Firstly, thank you for being so brave & posting this.
You don't give much background, but, I suspect that there is a long & painful history behind your current situation.

You need to remember that, at 17, your son is by no-means an adult. Boys/men take longer to mature than women, he won't be physically mature until he's in his 20's & has a long road before he's emotionally mature - if ever(!)

You say: 'I know he wants me to stay here. But won't tell me why.' No, he won't - he's only 17 & probably can't find the words.

I think that he's looking for some kind of commitment and consistency from you and that's why he wants you to stay where you are. You're the parent and the adult, and, frankly it's up to you to do all the running, texting etc etc.

I suggest that you concentrate on improving your life. Is there somewhere where you could move to that is close enough that your son could visit you easily but has good public transport links? Jobcentres are so different to how you may remember them from times past. I suggest that you get in touch to see how they can help to support you to improve your self confidence, your skills etc and move towards getting a job. I'm sure that, in seeing how you are working on improving your life, working on your mental health & other issues and establishing a permanent secure home for yourself where there is always a place at your table & a bed for your son would help to improve your relationship with him.

REmember how scary the prospect of leaving school, home & starting out in life was for you? Your son feels the same - he needs you to be a mum

BTW It's normal for young people to only get in touch with their parents when they want something. My son is nearly 25 & I still answer the phone saying 'what's wrong?' as he only rings when he needs something - usually money

Tea, thanks for replying. You're right, there is a long and painful history, tbh, the past 16 years have been horrendous. Five years I've lived in a place I hate because he's here, five years he's basically ignored me. That's very consistant. I don't think at his age, I should do the running, he's old enough to have contact with who he wants. And makes it very clear he's not interested.

This whole area is full of little towns with no transport links, and places I don't want to be. I wouldn't be signing on, so no Jobcentre(had plenty to do with them in the past) I just want to go, forget these years even existed. If I went 40 miles, which is the closest big town, a place I don't want to be in, I may as well go a hundred. I've never been so unhappy as I have been for such a long time.

If I went 40 miles, which is the closest big town, a place I don't want to be in, I may as well go a hundred.

Not really - 40 miles is what about an hour away, 100 is two or three.

It sounds like you're giving up on trying to build your relationship with him. That's a choice, but you need to acknowledge it.

Catagory I've been ignored for at least five years, I've already moved once to a place I hate because of him, I'm thinking I deserve more than waiting on the off-chance for him to have anything to do with me.

It sounds like he's angry with you.

Are you sure a different place would make you happier? All places are kinda the same if we're the same.

If you moved away, would you be able to do something like have a room there for him, if he ever wanted it?

So how far away is the place you want to live, OP? Can you give him a plan of visits whether that's midweek, weekends, open door whenever he's free, or, just the knowledge that you're there for him even if it's a bit of a journey?

PP is right. Boys need their mums for a long time, and also they give them a hard time and blame them for not being Superwoman.

I totally get you as I have a similar situation. Had to return to a place I absolutely hate, it's very traumatic. I am stuck here for god knows how long. You can rebuild your relationship with your son, don't give up, keep those lines of communication open.

If you move away he will just take that as another rejection from you. There’s obviously a huge back story but you are the parent. It’s still up to you to make the effort. He won’t be fully matured until he is 25, that’s another eight years. Maybe rather than concentrating on what you don’t like about where you live, look at changing the things you can. Hobbies/friends/jobs/decorate/explore new areas.

He's 16, he still needs his mum, whether he'll admit it or not. Are you planning on renting/buying somewhere with room for him to come and stay if he wants to? I appreciate you've had a hard time but you're basically saying you would rather turn your back on him for good than try and remedy the situation, and this has been going on for most of his life. Don't give up on your son.

He's certainly angry,and I can certainly understand why, my mum left me too,so I know how he feels. But as he won't talk, nothing can be resolved.

No, I'm aware wherever I go,there I am, but equally, I love this place,I'm interested in it, it has so many things I need for my soul, it lifts me, nowhere else has had that effect on me, and after so long living somewhere I hate, I think it's got to give me a better chance. I'm desperate to be able to just do things,not figure out if it's possible living here
He'd always have a home with me, I sometimes think maybe that's why he feels safe to ignore me, as he knows I'm always there if he wants me

I don’t even know how to say this, but I think if you go the relationship can likely never recover, it will be like leaving him all over again.

He’s not an adult, and even in a couple of years he won’t be fully adult. He is angry for the past.

It’s up to you if you wish to stay and tough it out for him, show him you’re there for him now, or to go again,

You say you’ve waited five years and he’s ignored you. How many years would he think you ignored him? You say at his age you shouldn’t do all the running, and you’re clearly hurt, but you need to turn it on it’s head, dor how many years did he feel abandoned and ignored.

There is no rush op. You don’t need to do anything tomorrow or even next week, but your feelings that he may see this as you rejecting him again are valid.

Maxwell I live in a tiny town. Mostly elderly. They are moving. So so am I, it's just where

The only time he contacts me is if I've done something wrong in his eyes, or he wants something. Occasionally I'll get an answer to a text, so I know he wants me to stay here

Do you see each other? If so how often?

So he does stay with you sometimes?

Lizzie, no, not seen him for a long time, I'm lucky if I get a text.

That would be a massive rejection on top of the huge rejection you already acknowledge he's experienced. You can rationalise it to yourself however you like, but that is what it will be for your son. A massive statement of rejection that you won't be able to take back.

He's still a child, as others have said he won't mature until 25, and you are the parent and the person who left him. It might help you manage your emotions to blame him and put the responsibility for "resolving" the pain you've caused onto him, but ultimately the fact remains that it is your responsibility.

Even teenagers who haven't been rejected/abandoned by their parent push away to test their safety. He's not unusual or a bad person for wanting to protect himself from being hurt more by you. You're trying to protect yourself from more pain by pushing him away, but you don't seem to be able to follow why he would keep you at arm's length for the same reason? It is a big wound to heal, and trust is not easily rebuilt.

Do you not think it's possible too that some of your determination to push him away as punishment for not chasing after you is because of the effect of your mum leaving you?

In the sense of this situation re-activating that old hurt and old emotions rather than being about him, but also in your desire to "protect" yourself from your son leaving you like your mum did by resolutely pushing him away first? "Nobody is doing this to me again, I'm leaving first."

You sound very determined to cut him off to cope with your pain about what's happened. I don't think it will protect you from further hurt as you appear to hope, I think it will create more hurt and take away the possibility of reconciliation as he embarks on adult life.

Why would he know you're always there if you choose to do this? Actions speak louder than words.

I was all ready to say you shouldn’t move (my own mother left me and I never got over it) but If he won’t even see you then I don’t really blame you for moving.

But I would try continue to try to see him, and I’d make the effort to travel from your new house to where he is living and try to meet him for a coffee. I don’t think you should move and think that’s it, just keep letting him know you want to be there for him.

I presume he is living with a grown adult, maybe his father? So you aren't in a parenting role anymore as such.

He treats you as he does because he is angry. Everyone wants their mother to care and be available to them at that age, and when they're much older too. And often treats them badly. If I comment on my needs / feelings, my 16yo will basically say (when they're cross with me) you're the grown up, I don't care about your feelings but you need to care about mine and do x for me.

I don't know if moving away is such a bad thing, especially if you have a place in mind that you feel will suit you. These days keeping contact is easy via social media etc. And as long as either he or you could travel easily to each other's location if needed, I don't see an issue. You hardly see him already, so it's not that he will be needing you to physically be there all the time.

I'm sorry for your situation, it sounds very hard. I hope you can make a better life for yourself in the future.

If it were your mum you were talking about, you would be fair and right to say she should be chasing you, trying to contact you, trying to see you, talking, trying to rebuild, trying to resolve things.

But you're not. You're talking about your son. You left him. So this time it's your responsibility to do all those things.

It's quite a startling position for you to take and to be so adamant and unyielding about it. That's what made me wonder whether your reactions and your views on how he should be behaving aren't actually a re-activation of your old hurt, because they don't fit the situation you're actually in but do fit that previous situation.

Maybe emotional flashbacks.

"the past 16 years have been horrendous. Five years I've lived in a place I hate because he's here, five years he's basically ignored me."

You had to move "because" of him five years ago, so when he was 11/12? What happened then? Is his father in the picture?

I hope your son is living with someone in a parental role, like his dad, or grandparents. He's still so young.
Move to somewhere you can be happy but don't abandon him completely.

He lives with my dad. He chose that. Goes over and sees his dad quite often I think. I came back here five years ago, after leaving when he had to go and live with his dad. Asda, I have(do) try. Over and over I'm ignored. I don't think I'm blaming him. I fully accept I've messed up, but having him has left me with severe problems I fight every day, so it's not been easy. I'm not trying to cut him off to cope with my mum going, I was five, it's long, long ago. It's not about him. I'm unhappy where I am, and whatever I try, I'm ignored. There's not much point in waiting for something that may happen someday