How do you find a good partner?

[jenjen517]

I'm 25 and coming out of a complicated relationship. I'll keep it brief, met young, together 7 years, mortgage, I still love him, his MH is poor but he won't fix it, supported him for 2 years. It's ruined us, I'm sick of him being nasty to me, I have no choice but to leave at this point. He is kind and loving, I love us, but his short fuse and outbursts over shadow everything.

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know adult life without him. Practically, things will be very difficult for me. Im absolutely devastated this has to happen. I am seeking counselling for myself. I'm terrified of online dating and moving on.

How do I prevent this happening again? How do I speak to boys!? How do I find someone who is loving and kind and who does their equal share?

I might sound blasé, I'm not, I am absolutely heartbroken. I don't know what to do.

Just give it time. You don't have to 'do' anything but heal right now. Please don't rush yourself.

The best way to find a good partner is not to try to find a partner at all at the moment. Instead, work on healing yourself. Get yourself to a place of independence and confidence, where you don’t actually need anyone at all. Where you won’t put up with bad behaviour from anyone, where you don’t even dream of allowing a partner to be nasty to you.
Learn to handle adult life all on your own, without needing anyone else for support.

Once you get to this point, you’ll attract the right sort of men and not the types who are looking for someone they can control/abuse/ always get their own way with. All the time you’re desperate to find the right man, or need someone to help you through life, this won’t happen. Find yourself, regain your strength. Only then will the rest follow.

Not really relevant right now. You should focus on learning to be happy in yourself whilst single first. The best way to find the wrong man is to jump straight into dating again when you havent learned how to just 'be' in your orn company.

Men are not plasters. Nor do you need one to be complete.

It also sounds like you got together with this guy at 18 and therefore have never had the chance to be single in your adult life. Well, now is the time.

Thanks, yes, I know you're right. I'm not planning on dating right away, I'm just scared of doing it in the future and getting it wrong.

It's making me feel physically sick. I haven't even bloody left yet!

Leaving him feels so, so, wrong. I feel like my 'gut' instincts are failing me.

It sounds like he is very much wanting out of the relationship but doesn't have the balls to make it happen.

The first few months will be tough. You've been together a hell of a long time considering your age. I wouldn't expect to want to date again for a couple of years at least.

You're the perfect age to be single! Fucking hell I wish I was your age. I revelled in being single in my 20s but gave it up too soon, wouldn't make that mistake again in my 40s!

In terms of future relationships: work on your self-esteem and self-confidence (not that you sound really unconfident, this is a good thing for everyone.) Take some time thinking about what is important to you, what you are willing to compromise on, and what is unnacceptable. For example... you might decide that someone who shares your ambitions for a good career is essential. Or maybe you'll get really involved in politics and community action, and you want your partner to share those passions. You'd also like someone who can drive and has a car, but you're prepared to overlook the lack if they tick all your other boxes. But you absolutely will not budge on your red lines, which include reading the Daily Mail or watching Love Island.

What you need to do most of all though, is to learn to trust your own feelings and instincts. I've found these books really helpful in doing that.
A Woman In Your Own Right
The Gift of Fear
Why Does He Do That?

Once you learn to set boundaries, and to assert your needs and wants with calm confidence, you will be able to spot the ones who don't give a fuck about your boundaries and repeatedly cross them with excuses like "But babe, it's just because I like you SO much".... This is not the sign of a loving relationship, it's the sign of a controlling abuser.

Educate yourself, love yourself, and know your own worth. Get out there and live!

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation thank you so much for your reply. I'll have a look at the books.

It doesn't matter but we've had long discussions in the past, he does want to stay together actually. He loves me very much, he tells me every day, usually multiple times. He's constantly building me up positively, genuinely complimenting me, he encourages me to peruse my goals and interests.

He just doesn't love me enough to go to therapy, sort out his medication, or share household chores equally. He is very unmotivated, lazy, he won't learn to drive and is happy to leave the household burden almost exclusively on me despite me always asking him to do more. I've tried leaving it, the house gets disgusting and I can't live like that, so I do it. He never wants to do anything or go anywhere. Sometimes it feels like daily life is a bit of a battle.

He has lots of amazing qualities that I love about him. But lots that I don't. I feel lucky to have someone who loves me so deeply, but sad that it's the same person who makes me so sad.

It is what it is, I'll have to leave. I have no choice. I just can't quite get to grips with it yet. I wish I didn't have to.

It is absolutely ok to have boundaries. In fact, it's healthy to have expectations of a relationship that are clear to you - and if someone fails to live up to them, then this isn't the relationship for you.

Expecting someone to take responsibility for their own MH is a given, in my opinion. As is, expecting someone to do 50% of the necessary chores in a house they live in. Expecting someone to be kind and loving, and not speak to you nastily or as if you are dirt.

I would spend some time alone now, and figure out what you want out of life. And the next time you are in a relationship and there are issues make it very clear (the first time it crops up) that this would be a deal breaker for you. Then leave, if it doesn't change.

Relationships shouldn't be complicated - and women are not rehab centres for men. If the person you are with doesn't enrich your life considerably then you shouldn't be with them.

Thank you @MadMadMadamMim

I think that's one of the things about getting together young. When you're kids you don't have the same expectations or boundaries.

Things that were desirable in a partner then, may not be desirable as adults.

For a starters you don't looks for boys. You look for men. Aged 30ish. But not yet. Maybe go on tinder and have some easily sex and build your confidence up

@jenjen517

This is my theory on why so many women get divorced in their 30s!

You do not tolerate the same shit at 32 that you put up with at 19...