Saying I Love You

[namechanged9999]

Should it always be the man who says it first? Was having this debate with Bf.

I'm more old school and would expect a man to do it first, just like I'd expect a man to ask me to be exclusive / boyfriend and girlfriend.

(I mean in my mind if you've been dating for a while then you're Bf and gf anyway and you I wouldn't even bring it up).

But yes - who should say I love you first?

There are literally no rules of this, as it's 2021 not 1971. Whoever wants to

Why do you think he should say it first? Are you worried that you’ll scare him off by saying it?

I don’t think there’s any rules about it, but I guess if you’re the type of person who would wait to be proposed to rather than have a discussion about marriage then I can see why this would seem like a similar thing.

FWIW I had to stop myself from saying it to DP early on as he’d alluded to it and said he cared a lot and while he wasn’t ready to start “bandying the L word around yet” he knew we both felt the same about each other. So I would silently whisper it into his armpit when we went to sleep

I think there’s always a fear that by showing we care that we’re giving away our power and that there will be an imbalance. By making sure the man feels it first we’re almost protecting ourselves. I know it’s not PC but maybe if men didn’t treat us like bunny boilers just for liking them it wouldn’t be such a problem!!

@MarkRuffaloCrumble YES I would be afraid he wouldn't say it back or be scared off by it.

When he and I had this discussion yesterday he asked me why don't I say it and he said if I did he'd say it back and give me a kiss and a cuddle. Is that his way of telling me he loves me? 😂😂😂

It's only been 3 months.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble also I agree that men do treat us like bunny boilers or accuse us of coming on too strong just for liking them

Is that his way of telling me he loves me? 😂😂😂

Yes! Of course it was! I bet he was a bit gutted when you didn't say anything!

If this was me, I might do something a bit cheesy for when I next see him. Like offer to cook him dinner, stack the plates on the side and ask him "Could you just put the plates on the table while I finish this" and then hide a little note between the plates that says "I LOVE YOU"

I am a total mug for cheesy romance at times though!

I can’t even remember who said it first. I’ll ask him when he gets home he remembers stuff like this.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I mean for me it's a bit soon... I'm not sure I do love him lol. It's only been 3 months...

So he asked why you don’t say ILY to him, but he doesn’t say it to you? But if you did say it, he’d say it back . Is he very shy? Sounds like he’s putting the feelers out but if you’re not sure yet, don’t feel obliged to say it back. If he says it first just give him a hug and a kiss, and tell him if/when you’re ready

I don't think a man should have to say it first. I think whoever gets an urge to say it in a certain situation should, if they're certain they mean it.

Where do you think the rules come from about who should say it first, @namechanged9999?

I asked him and he said if first, even said where and when I’m a terrible wife.

Can't believe you think there's a rule about this? Why should the man say it first? You do know it's 2021 don't you? Women are now allowed to vote, own property, have serious careers and propose!

What you're suggesting sounds like game-playing, and it a big no no. There are no set roles for the sexes, and women have spent a long time fighting for that to be the case. Any suggestion of waiting for the man to make the first move because - you know - he is a man smacks of the man being 'in charge' of how things progress, and the one who makes the decisions on how fast the r'ship moves on.

I equate this to those people who say 'why won't he propose??' - ask him yourself - you aren't a weak bystander in your own life. Make things happen. Own your feelings. Whoever says it first risks the other one not saying it back. It doesn't make it any easier if that happens to a man.