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Original poster

Handling a creepy colleague

21 replies

MsMoody · 10/07/2021 10:57

Looking for advice on how to handle a situation with a colleague who is making me feel sick at the thought of encountering now. I’m in my late twenties and have worked here since my early twenties- so very young when I first started! Colleague is a man in his sixties.

When I first started, I liked this colleague and saw him as almost a grandfatherly figure. I even had coffees with him at the weekend sometimes. I didn’t even think twice that I’d be “leading him on” given that he is older than my parents and I assumed he saw me the same way. Nobody at my work had told me that he had a history of “trying it on” with just about every woman in the workplace, so long as they were under the age of about 45. He tells us that he feels 20 inside and doesn’t want to hang out with people his age. Hmm (I don’t understand how he has deluded himself to think that he had anything to offer these women but that’s another story). I only discovered this when he tried to hold my hand and I went back and told one of my colleagues and she filled me in. I stopped talking to him for about six months, entered a relationship with someone and he eventually did too. He also had a serious health event which I suppose made us all soften to him. After that it all turned into water under the bridge and things became cordial between us again.

Now a few years later, he lives with this woman (and has began insulting her behind her back whilst living in her home, much to my disgust) whilst I am happily single and very open about the fact that I LIKE BEING SINGLE (partially because the thought of a partner acting like this at work and behind my back fills me with horror). He has started his nonsense again, texting me and making several comments a day that he’s interested in me. The comments are quite subtle however, and never really cross a line that would enable me to call him out, but they are constant.

How do I shut this down? The first time it happened I was young and not able to confront him directly but I feel like I need to say something now. I just don’t know how to go about it in a work-appropriate way.

OP posts:
romdowa · 10/07/2021 10:59

Block him from texting you and tell him straight up that you find his comments inappropriate and that you would rather he stick to work related matters only, then walk away. Keep a log of his comments and actions for your manager or hr should you feel you need to raise the issue further.

DogsSausages · 10/07/2021 11:01

Block him on your phone, why has he got your number, just tell him to stop talking about you, his partner and that you are not interested in a relationship with him, if he doesnt stop then speak to your manager.

FTEngineerM · 10/07/2021 11:02

‘This isn’t appropriate. Please don’t contact me again’

And then log everything, screenshot everything.

He doesn’t get to make you feel uncomfortable.

xsquared · 10/07/2021 11:04

Tell him to only stuck to work relates matters and not to text you outside of work. If he does it again, then he's had his chance and I would go to HR.

Keep his texts in case you ever need to go to HR with them.

Make sure you are never alone with this person.

SummerWhisper · 10/07/2021 11:05

Just block and ignore. Don't offer any explanation as you don't owe him one. Just be distant but professional at work. Don't engage with him unless you have to. The second he moves into the realm of personal, cut him off, something like "Thanks for the information. Have a good day" and exit.

Geanna2 · 10/07/2021 11:31

Block him and think about raising a grievance?

YarnOver · 10/07/2021 11:42

Block, ignore, report anything to HR

LordEmsworth · 10/07/2021 11:50

Firstly, tell him to stop, in an unambiguous way - no hints, no being nice and kind, "please stop messaging me and stop hinting that you want a relationship with me. I do not want a relationship with you and it is inappropriate of you to continue talking about it."

Block his number on your personal phone. Don't delete anything. It's not clear if you have to talk to him at work - a colleague you work with, as opposed to a colleague who also works there - but if possible, avoid him.

If he continues to use work devices/accounts to message you, or says anything, after your clear request to stop - raise a grievance. You have asked him to stop and he is ignoring you - that is enough for a grievance, regardless of how overt/explicit the content is.

I mean - I would be raising a grievance and/or speaking to his manager already, but if you create a clear line that he continues to cross then you may feel more able to do that.

Original poster
MsMoody · 10/07/2021 11:58

@LordEmsworth

Firstly, tell him to stop, in an unambiguous way - no hints, no being nice and kind, "please stop messaging me and stop hinting that you want a relationship with me. I do not want a relationship with you and it is inappropriate of you to continue talking about it."

Block his number on your personal phone. Don't delete anything. It's not clear if you have to talk to him at work - a colleague you work with, as opposed to a colleague who also works there - but if possible, avoid him.

If he continues to use work devices/accounts to message you, or says anything, after your clear request to stop - raise a grievance. You have asked him to stop and he is ignoring you - that is enough for a grievance, regardless of how overt/explicit the content is.

I mean - I would be raising a grievance and/or speaking to his manager already, but if you create a clear line that he continues to cross then you may feel more able to do that.

Thanks @LordEmsworth, I think this would be the perfect thing to say.

The texts themselves aren’t ever inappropriate as such, they are just ponderings and observations that he thinks are hilarious. Hmm

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 10/07/2021 12:23

I think that @LordEmsworth has given you the perfect advice, although I’d be inclined to add that his ponderings and observations were uninvited, unwelcome and had crossed the line into downright skincrawling creepiness.

Definitely escalate it at work if it doesn’t stop.

Thelnebriati · 10/07/2021 12:33

Do what xsquared said.

BurtonHouse · 10/07/2021 17:57

I would want, though wouldn't be brave enough, to tell him that he has a reputation for being a dirty old man, and every uncalled for message just makes all.his colleagues laugh louder at how pathetic he is.
I've come across twats like this who believe they are some sort of irresistible Casanova figure, whereas everyone around ridicules and despises them. Wouldn't it be satisfying to let him know that?

Original poster
MsMoody · 10/07/2021 19:02

@BurtonHouse

I would want, though wouldn't be brave enough, to tell him that he has a reputation for being a dirty old man, and every uncalled for message just makes all.his colleagues laugh louder at how pathetic he is. I've come across twats like this who believe they are some sort of irresistible Casanova figure, whereas everyone around ridicules and despises them. Wouldn't it be satisfying to let him know that?
It would! These men must think us women don’t talk… I’m tempted to tell him he’s developing a reputation for being a creep on our floor. Every time I tell my colleagues the latest thing he’s said, they all cringe and put their head in their hands. And they all have a similar story!
OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 10/07/2021 20:53

We had someone like this, in my team, actually. Everyone talked about him behind his back. He had a bad reputation. Long story short, he tried to give another couple of early 20s colleagues presents and to meet up outside work. The young colleagues didn't have the confidence to completely rebuff him, but spoke to others about how uncomfortable he made them feel. I took it to investigation then disciplinary. He got a final warning which lasts 1 year. It's changed his behaviour. He's much more circumspect now.

Cherrysoup · 10/07/2021 22:46

Block him. Easy. I’d be telling management too that he’s over personal and has tried it on with multiple much younger colleagues.

BlueCupOrangeCup · 10/07/2021 22:54

I agree with using the words PP have mentioned : uninvited, unwelcome and inappropriate.

Unfortunately you can't ever successfully be just normal friends with this man. It's happened to me too; where on earth sixty year old men pick up imaginary signals that were never sent I will never understand.

The good thing is that because you're not worried about protecting any friendship you can be blunt.

Be prepared for him going off on a sulk though. (Not that that would be your prob!)

PurpleTrilby · 11/07/2021 02:09

Take it to management. These creeps rely on secrecy. Make a formal complaint if necessary. It's managers job to deal with this. But it's sadly often just ignored. My method of dealing with that kind of cunt was to leave the company and get a better job. Seriously, have you though about moving to a different job elsewhere? You have a lot more to offer than creepy cunt who has been allowed to get away with this shit for years. Fuck that company they have not looked after you. Now you have to look out for you.

Italiangreyhound · 11/07/2021 04:17

So sorry you are going through this. Please take the wise advice here and ensure he doesn't attempt to talk to you about anything not related to work.

You do not owe him an explanation but personally I would tell him that his behavior is inappropriate.

Original poster
MsMoody · 11/07/2021 09:47

@PurpleTrilby

Take it to management. These creeps rely on secrecy. Make a formal complaint if necessary. It's managers job to deal with this. But it's sadly often just ignored. My method of dealing with that kind of cunt was to leave the company and get a better job. Seriously, have you though about moving to a different job elsewhere? You have a lot more to offer than creepy cunt who has been allowed to get away with this shit for years. Fuck that company they have not looked after you. Now you have to look out for you.
These creeps rely on secrecy.

You are totally right. It’s like they know how to play on your fears about “being polite” and “not making a scene” or “overreacting”. The last time he played it off as being over-enthusiastic about our “friendship” to make it seem as if I was overreacting.

I have no doubt that they have heard the gossip about this man. Although I know the response would be to just stay away from him and deal with it myself if I ever told them upfront. I’m going to say something though, for the sake of all the other women who have to put up with him.

OP posts:
TheBrynGhost · 11/07/2021 09:51

I would put all this in wroting to your employers. This behaviour is entrenched within this man and while nobody does anything about it he will just carry on being this way.

How do they not learn that they are being ridiculous?

LordEmsworth · 11/07/2021 10:55

I was thinking about this the morning, a news article about the killer of Sarah Everard; apparently female colleagues felt so uncomfortable around him that he was nicknamed "The Rapist". But no-one ever made a complaint, so there was no investigation...

Not making it formal means the next new starter will end up going through this as well. And the next. And the next...

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