- on our first date, we were kissing passionately for ages. I made it clear I didn't want him touching my knickers under my dress. He kept trying and right at the end as we went to walk to the train station he had a little touch as I was walking away
- he started getting sexual a bit faster than I had expected. I did end up responding but felt rushed
- he would make big statements like he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life, he wanted to grow old with me and buy a house with me, he wouldn't mind if I got pregnant accidentally in the first three months (whilst drunk he suggested we stop using contraception)
- after 4 months he suggested we move in together, I said I felt it was a little soon especially as we had been having a bit of a stressful time (he found me being upset about my sick kittens very distressing and almost had a mini breakdown about it saying he was worried he would lose me / we were drifting apart) and also I was about to buy my own place. Then the next week he said we 'needed to stop talking about the future', that we'd been going too fast, that he doesn't know if he can keep up with my timeline, that he feels pressured etc. I pointed out that he had led those conversations, not me, and he said that wasn't true and it was just as much me starting them (I really don't think it was)
- I caught him messaging women flame emojis and sleazy comments / inane chat (by accident). It had been a few months before and had since stopped but I got very upset and angry and he turned it back one me, saying I was snooping (I really wasnt) and I was paranoid etc and it was harmless, he was just 'passing on compliments'. Also when I confronted him about it straight after seeing and said I wanted to see what he had been saying he went and deleted them in the toilet buy tried to hide he was doing that
- frequent mood swings, not necessarily directed at me but there was always a drama. Towards the end he went from long angry texts to sending me a voice note where he sounded fine and asking me to go to his friends bday all in the space of an hour which I found v confusing
- he was crap at emotional validation, for instance forgetting he was going to meet me after my uncles funeral and saying could we rearrange as he had forgotten he was going to see his friends. He then did feel very sorry when I got upset but it was like he had no empathy (he did really try to have it tho)
- he'd get very upset when I was emotional and not know what to do. He did try but towards rhe end of our relationship he told me he just wanted to leave me alone if I was crying and I should be more adult
- he once got really angry with me saying 'I made him feel ashamed' because I pointed out that something he did could be seen as racist. He said he felt he couldn't share any of his past with me because of this one comment as I would twist it. He would go on about things like that for hours and not let me get a word in
- our final straw was when I said I was sad about something. It was probs me being sensitive and unreasonable but he said I made him feel like shit, and he kept sending long angry texts to me even tho I was saying sorry ans trying to calm him down. This basically carried on on and off for two weeks, with the smallest comment from me ('let me know when you're around to talk in person') was interpreted in tbe worst way possible ('you don't trust me and are trying to control me')
- he would often never let me get a word in in arguments, especially towards the end
- he was preoccupied with the idea I was controlling him. I asked him to turn his phone notifications off as they went off all the time including in bed and he thought that I was trying to change who he was. He kept bringing that up as an example even months later. I said if it mattered that much then fine, just leave them, but he did change them but was angry about it
- he once joked he'd have sex with me anyway when I wasn't up for it and I said that would be rape (in a jokey way). He then got really upset I would ever accuse him of rape and he woke up in the middle of the night and was just sitting in the living room in the dark. I asked him what was wrong and he said I was trying to control him and he couldn't believe what I'd said, that I didn't trust him, that he couldn't do anything right
- he hadn't had a relationship over a decade and it sounds like they went v fast. Like moved in straightaway etc. He said they had hurt him so much he hasn't wanted a relationship, that they had all cheated on him and said nasty things like hes 'weird' (he was a bit weird), 'only ever spoke about work' (true) and 'didn't listen to their body' (true). He also called 2 out of 3 'princesses'
- he seemed to have loads of shame underneath the surface. Even a comment that had nothing to do with him seemed to be taken personally
- he constantly talked about our future together, but also had real problems imagining the next step and would bring it up a lot (ie I don't know if I can move to your part of London etx) which made me feel like I never knew where I stood
- he said I was his 'saviour' and he didn't know what he would do without me. I do think he was a very lonely man. I have a hunch that a lot of friends had ditched him over the years.
- he said we needed to break up because of my 'emotional validation' needs and he can't give me that, and broke up with me in a 16 minute voice note where he sounded cold and uncaring saying we didn't need to talk
I still have lots of sympathy for him and miss him. He did really try and meet me emotionally, but seemed incapable of doing so. I am wondering whether it was just a character mismatch or whether objectively this looks like abuse. I know I feel confused ans awful about myself for things falling apart and like it's my fault.