Not attracted to my husband. Don’t know what to do.

[Pyjamas67]

DH and I have been TTC for another baby for 2.5 years. We found out 6 months ago that it’s because DH has a very low sperm count (less than 5million). He’s in his mid forties and I’m in my late 30s.

The trouble is, because of his low sperm count, I know we need to DTD very often. (And we probably need fertility treatment if it’s ever going to happen, really.)

But I am not attracted to him. I love him, and we get on really well and I think he’s a great dad. But I feel quite repelled, physically, by him and I can’t help it. I don’t like the way he smells, he’s grown his hair out and I hate it (I would never say that). When we have to DTD, I cringe. We barely do it 2 or 3 times a month.

I have never had a relationship where I’ve been really physically attracted to the other person, I always tended to go for nice men who I got on with, who I’d feel secure with (because of my background), rather than men I’m really attracted to.

My husband feels guilty about his low sperm count (it’s not his fault and I’d never make him feel bad about that), and also knows deep down that I don’t really want to have sex with him.

It’s all a mess. Meanwhile, I really want another baby.

I definitely don’t want to sex therapy though. We tried it once and I absolutely thoroughly hated it.

What do I do?

Wouldn't you be better ending the relationship with him and trying for a baby with a new partner?

You have the ick for your husband. Poor man. Poor you. Why are you flogging a dead marriage?

I’ve just turned 39 so I’m not likely to meet someone and have another baby, I just don’t think my biological clock has time for that.

Not that I’m staying with my husband for that reason, as the chances of us having a baby together feel like close to zero, too.

But the idea of us splitting feels awful, I love him. I’d be heartbroken, so would he. But you’re right, I’m not attracted to him, which is horrible of me and horrible for him I don’t know if I can change that, either.

It’s not like I ever see men I do fancy. I see men who I think are attractive, but I’ve never had a crush on anyone since DH and I have been together.

In my experience there's no coming back from this when you feel that way towards your husband!!
I've never heard of anyone being physically repelled and then coming back to fancying the pants off him again
Is the want for a baby skewing your views on everything maybe? Do you actually love him really?

It's not horrible of you, you didn't plan or want this. What about the good old "turkey baster" method instead, if you are both happy together?

Were you once attracted to him?
Have you always had little sexual interest in people or is that new?
Are you interested in women?

What wasn’t good about the therapy beforehand? Perhaps you need a better therapist?

I ended a similar relationship, where I didn't fancy my expartner, although I loved him. There was more to it than just that, but with hindsight most of our issues stemmed from it.

The whole time we were together, I never fancied anyone else either. As soon as I got over the relationship, I realised there were loads of fanciable men, but your headspace when you are in a relationship means you don't fancy anyone else.

I can't help you with what to do, apart from to say that I am so much happier now we aren't together. The pressure on me has lifted (which I didn't really know was there).

Do you ever question the fact that you have never met a man that you fancy? Is it possible that you need to explore your sexuality?
Do you see yourself with your husband into the future? Are these the right circumstances to be trying to have another child? Would that be fair on the child, your existing child, your husband and you?
Simply wanting another baby isn't enough. You have so much to consider. Sorry, I don't know where to suggest you seek advice but I think you need it.

Have you never even fancied an actor? ...or an actress? Could you be asexual?

I agree with previous posters though, its wrong to just use someone as a baby maker like this. You wouldnt like it if the tables were turned and he just wanted you as a baby oven. That is not love.

Free yousself and him. Maybe a baby is not on the cards. Or maybe you'll meet someone else and have one at 45, who knows. But broodiness shouldnt have any control over your life. Let alone to the extent it makes you have sex with someone that physically repulses you. That way madness lies.

Are you happy together aside from the physical attraction? Is he physically attracted to you? Do you both actually want to be together and see a future together?

If you have a good family dynamic and could bring a baby into a happy home, look at IVF. If you don't, then discuss with him how you move forward. You don't have to stay together.

Personally, I think having another child in this situation is a big mistake. There are clearly problems in your relationship and bringing children into a relationship like that will never end well.

You maybe be happy in your relationship not being physically attracted to your husband. He may feel differently. He may take the decision out of your hands and decide to be with someone who is physically attracted to him. How would you feel then?

I think you need to work on yourself. You mentioned your past and upbringing, have you done any kind of therapy to address these issues? I think that's the place to start.

We have a great dynamic otherwise - we’re like best friends, really. We laugh together, share interests. Maybe that’s the problem? We’re only friends?

I have always had an odd relationship with sex, I was brought up to think of it as shameful and caught once as a teenager and it was horrible. Not caught in the act, but my mother found out that I’d had sex and she was very cruel. I was also made to believe I wouldn’t find anyone to marry me. At the time, I was aware that what was being sad wasn’t true and was cruel, but it maybe stuck with me a little bit.

Whenever I have fantasies, it’s usually men that feature, so I don’t think I’m a lesbian.

We used to have a better sex life, but it was never amazing. I’m ashamed to say that I was happy to not be lonely and alone, and that was enough. Being lonely and alone is a big fear of mine! I’ve been there and I didn’t do very well with it.

But yes I know it’s not fair on him. He doesn’t know, but maybe deep down he does.

Maybe some counselling or therapy would help you with your relationship with sex - sounds like you need to do some unpicking of the way you were shamed and your fears of being on your own.

You know that women tend to outlive men, so even if you stay in the marriage for life, you could end up on your own - it's worth trying to get to a better place emotionally so that you know if you stay with your husband, it's out of wanting to be with him, not fear of being on your own. Better for both of you.

You leave him and let him meet someone who will fancy the pants of him, anything other than that is just cruel.

I feel for you both. However I really think you are being unfair to your DH. He deserves the chance to find someone who will fancy him and want a sexual relationship with him. Sorry but I think your being selfish.

I was you 14 years ago and I didn’t end it and we had another baby but needed fertility treatment (probably because I wasn’t attracted to him and it caused issues). I wanted another baby, like you.
Although said baby is now a beautiful 13 year old girl I have lived in a dead marriage with a man I do not fancy at all. Over the years I have realised we don’t connect either and to say I feel empty inside is an understatement. He is 59 going on 60 (actually 70) - I’m 49 going on 35.
I ended my marriage at the back end of last year. My head was turned by someone else and I have never felt the same since.
End it. Do not have another baby with him. It’s not fair to either of you.

Hi I just recently got married, it was an arranged marriage. My husband is extremely unattractive, 10 years older, 5xl in size and just not my type. It was a marriage done out of blackmail.

It goes without saying I don't find him attractive at all, I think he knows it too. I thought I will be okay if I stay silent and accept it. But I cannot, should we go for IVF, divorce is just not an option for both of us...

He doesn't want to change or even try to be attractive and I detest I have no way out, please help.