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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like a shit friend

4 replies

nomorecrumbs · 10/07/2021 00:40

This year I made a new friend who became part of my regular friendship group, as she was dating a guy in our group. They split up earlier this year and she told me details why; basically nothing acrimonious and she’s feeling okay about it afaik but I get the impression she’s a little upset over certain aspects after a few months.

Where the shit friend element comes in is that last night I was out with a mutual male friend who seemed shocked when I mentioned that this friend of ours was now single and wanted to know all the reasons why it didn’t work out (unusual for a guy to ask this but I didn’t realise this at the time). Stupidly I was only too keen to tell him; nothing embarrassing but there were some specific details in there which I think she would have only divulged to me.
I’m not even sure why I did this except I probably was excited to be able to offer him some relationship tips (he’s always been unlucky in dating) and I find the whole topic of what makes a relationship successful very interesting to discuss. However now I feel like an insufferable gossip and what’s worse is that said mutual male friend is now apparently hitting on my single female friend and she is finding this awkward and doesn’t appreciate his attention. I am also scared he’ll let slip how much he knows about her breakup!
I don’t know what to do except try harder to stop myself from spilling details of others which are none of anyone else’s business. I’m rather horrified at myself and fully understand if my friend finds out and is angry at what I’ve done. Is there anything I can do to try and stay out of stirring things next time? Or just tips for not getting so involved in other people’s private lives? I feel like I’ve really let myself and my friend down.

OP posts:
xsquared · 10/07/2021 01:33

Not much you can do about letting things slip.
Learn to be more trustworthy by not talking about others when they're not there?

You didn't have to tell male friend reasons why she broke up with her ex. Just imagine she's in the same room as you if you're ever tempted to spill to another.

Perhaps you can also tell your male friend to back off from her.

Notapheasantplucker · 10/07/2021 01:39

Just try to think before you speak, always have an answer for people like your friend.
"Ask them yourself..
None of your business..
It's not my place to say.."

If I were you, I'd tell your friend you've said a bit too much, before she finds out first. And apologise, obvs.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/07/2021 01:58

eek!
how do you feel about confessing to her what you said and then apologise?
if you care about her (and it sounds you do) you should tell her what this bloke now knows.
she might hate you for it but I think it's better for her to be aware.

as to how to stop sharing information?
a, refuse to be told secrets. just tell people that you are shit at it and they shouldn't tell you sensitive info.
b, refuse to talk about what you know already if it's not the other person's business!
just say: "I can't share details/last name business, first name nanoya/If I tell you I'll have to kill you.."
then change the topic

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/07/2021 02:04

If I'm honest it sounds to me like you sold your friend down the river because it flattered your ego to be seen as an Agony Aunt & relationship expert.
and possibly one of the boys ( I know the type).

if I'm close to the truth you don't even have to admit it here, but please have a long & hard think about where your loyalties are as a woman.

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