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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can anyone help me understand this?

14 replies

BatMansCatMan · 09/07/2021 20:04

I have an exclusive fwb thing, I’ve known him for 5 years and we’ve had an on and off arrangement for around the last 3 years. It stops when either of us start dating someone else, I have had one relationship of around a year, and he has had a couple of short-term relationships.

I had one time when I was starting to have stronger feelings for him, I spoke to him about it at the time and he said that wasn’t what he wanted. We took a little time apart and then things started up again this time around March this year. I’ve come to terms with it not being more than what it is and have distanced myself from those feelings.

The last few times I’ve seen him I feel like something has changed. We were watching a film sitting on his couch the other day and he was holding me and stroking my hair. We would normally just sit next to each other. Later on we started kissing a bit and he stopped and spent some time looking into my eyes.

I don’t know if I should talk to him again about what’s going on, or if I’m just reading too much into it. I’m completely fine with the type of relationship we have at the moment. I like spending time with him and we do things like go out to the cinema, for meals, day trips together, it’s not just sex.

OP posts:
GeneGenius · 09/07/2021 20:13

He's just keeping you with the hope that he will change his ways and fall in love with you. So he can keep fucking you.

He can make minimal effort by stroking your hair and that will keep you in line for another year.

Then next time you try to have a conversation with him he will tell you that you are really important to him. Another six months. Then he will invite you to his wedding and after that you will be phased out.

seensome · 09/07/2021 20:21

Not surprised you feel confused but my guess is you're a void to fill until he meets someone better as before. Do you both know when you're actively looking for someone else?

yourestandingonmyneck · 09/07/2021 20:22

@GeneGenius

He's just keeping you with the hope that he will change his ways and fall in love with you. So he can keep fucking you.

He can make minimal effort by stroking your hair and that will keep you in line for another year.

Then next time you try to have a conversation with him he will tell you that you are really important to him. Another six months. Then he will invite you to his wedding and after that you will be phased out.

Very much agree with this.
seensome · 09/07/2021 20:23

Not that there is someone'better' but who is more relationship worthy in his eyes.

FreeBritnee · 09/07/2021 20:23

He’s having a ‘girlfriend experience’ without any of the hassle of having an actual girlfriend and giving a crap about her

YarnOver · 09/07/2021 21:11

@GeneGenius

He's just keeping you with the hope that he will change his ways and fall in love with you. So he can keep fucking you.

He can make minimal effort by stroking your hair and that will keep you in line for another year.

Then next time you try to have a conversation with him he will tell you that you are really important to him. Another six months. Then he will invite you to his wedding and after that you will be phased out.

This.
Honeybeebloom · 09/07/2021 21:36

He’s having a ‘girlfriend experience’ without any of the hassle of having an actual girlfriend and giving a crap about her

This, he's simulating the intimacy because it's nice to do and have that, but he doesn't want the commitment that comes with a relationship.

Wineandroses3 · 09/07/2021 21:39

Totally agree with this

BatMansCatMan · 09/07/2021 21:40

Yes we do both know we’re looking for other people, he’s always been completely honest with me about what he wants, and I have with him. I told him when I was starting to have more feelings for him, and I stepped back from that because I knew it wasn’t what he wanted.

I’m not ‘kept in line’, I like spending time with him, I don’t want a “proper” relationship with anyone at the moment for a few reasons. I like having someone I can spend some time with without having any issues/considerations to make that come with something more serious.

I’ve always known how he felt, and he’s known how I felt. I keep feeling like somethings changed but I can’t work out what it is and just wondered if I was reading too much into these changes and it’s nothing or if I need to talk to him again.

OP posts:
Wineandroses3 · 09/07/2021 21:40

@GeneGenius

He's just keeping you with the hope that he will change his ways and fall in love with you. So he can keep fucking you.

He can make minimal effort by stroking your hair and that will keep you in line for another year.

Then next time you try to have a conversation with him he will tell you that you are really important to him. Another six months. Then he will invite you to his wedding and after that you will be phased out.

Totally agree with this. Absolutely spot on this is what he is doing.
GeneGenius · 09/07/2021 21:49

just wondered if I was reading too much into these changes and it’s nothing or if I need to talk to him again.

Do you mean that this time when you talk to him you would say that you've noticed he's been stroking your hair and looking into your eyes and you would like him to stop as you aren't looking for a relationship?

BatMansCatMan · 09/07/2021 22:11

@GeneGenius

just wondered if I was reading too much into these changes and it’s nothing or if I need to talk to him again.

Do you mean that this time when you talk to him you would say that you've noticed he's been stroking your hair and looking into your eyes and you would like him to stop as you aren't looking for a relationship?

Yes. I haven’t explained myself well at all. I don’t want to make things awkward by bringing it up if it’s just me thinking these things might mean something.

I’ve always been sure of where I stood with him, now I’m not as sure. I don’t want him to get hurt because I care about him a lot. I really like how things are at the moment and I’m not sure how to deal with things if something has changed. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, we’ve stayed friends even if we’ve been dating other people.

OP posts:
Viddy2021 · 09/07/2021 22:19

If you were really OK with the current situation, would you be looking for signs in him stroking your hair?

I was with my ex-husband for 20 years and when I got back into the dating world I thought that tenderness was necessarily a sign of caring, but some men use you just to enjoy that feeling, or recall a past relationship.

It's when they include you in their future and are consistent in their words and actions that they care.

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2021 22:23

Op if he said he had feelings for you, would you distance yourself? Honestly? Becayse I have to be honest, this reads like you really want hi to have feelings for you.

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