Brother not speaking to me

[jabberwocky]

Several years ago I loaned my brother a substantial amount of money. The agreement was that he would take some time to get back on his feet (a couple of years even!) and then pay me back month by month interest free. Well, the time to pay came and went. We had a couple of conversations about it and about 4 years after the initial loan he began to make very small monthly payments. He kept up with these for about a year and a half then abruptly stopped. I let it go for a while, then found out that he was selling some land he owned and making a tidy profit. I emailed him a congratulations note and suggested it was a good time to clear things up. A couple of days later I got a fed ex containing a cashiers check. no note or anything. I sent a note of thanks and general family chat, but nothing back. He is due to come to my house for Christmas along with all the rest of the family. I just feel so weird about this.

Poor you, no wonder you feel weird about it. Maybe hes feeling guilty about taking so long to pay you back. My sister is always at her rudest and most arrogant when she knows shes in the wrong and I dont ever remember her apologising for anything.

I would feel unhappy or as you say "weird" about this too. You shouldn't have had to ask for the money he had long enough and now I suppose you are worried that he is not happy about paying you back the money. If there will be a lot of family present that would help him avoid facing you and you facing him. Maybe forget it now at least you managed to get your money back. Is there anyone in the family who could explain what is going on?

What a horrible situation. My reading would be that he is pissed off at, as he perhaps sees it, being asked for the money back when maybe he'd rather have just "forgotten" the whole thing. Is there anyone close to you both who could say to him that you're feeling uncomfortable with the way he's dealt with this payment and that you'd like to clear the air? Then obviously somenoe might have to set him straight on a few things at the same time!

SOmething similar happened in our family when DH let his unemployed waster of a brother live in his flat, rather than rent it out commercially. All his brother had to do was pay a small amount of his giro into DH's account, to contribute to the mortgage. Suddenly one day we got a call from the bank announcing our account was £10,000 overdrawn as the mortgage had been going out for months but no money coming in. When confronted, his brother didn't even apologise, just said he needed somewhere to live and dh "could afford it". DH told him he didn't care if the money was paid back 10p a week, but he wanted it back. We've never heard from his brother since.

Some people will take whatever they can and resent you all the more for your generosity.

Hope you sort it out with your brother.

I would ignore it all - yu have teh money back you brother may feel embarrassed about teh situation so best just to be brother and sister and not mention it again (or lend him any more)hope that helps

I don't know if your brother is like me, but I'm the queen of sending things without notes. The only reason is because it takes all my organizational skills to get the stuff together, pack it in something suitable and remember to take it to the post office. And I forget to write a note (it's not on my list, although I should remember to put it on next time... must go write that down somewhere ;) ) So it might be just that!

If I were in your situation, I'd just act normal unless he starts acting really odd. He probably is a bit embarrassed about paying the money back so late, so try and give him the benefit of the doubt.

thanks for all the advice. (I just adore MN ).

I suppose he may be feeling a bit embarressed (and probably pissed as well more likely) and he was hoping I would just forget about it. It's been rather hard to do that though, since he makes more money now than dh and I put together! I think I will just try to act normal and see if he can do the same.

Now he's cancelled the family Christmas plans!!! We were hosting Christmas at our house this year. My nephew (his son) who is 28 and his wife are ds's godparents. We were going to have a special dinner to honor them for that, as well as the traditional Christmas dinner. Now they are going to his house for Christmas as they feel guilty that otherwise he would be alone. My niece and her husband have decided to go there as well.

We have told the rest of the family, who were travelling a fair distance, that we understand if they want to stay home and make other plans. I have counted up between 4 and 6 plane tickets that have to be changed because of this!

He said (through my nephew, didn't have the b*s to tell me himself) that having to pay back this money brought back memories of an upsetting conversation that he and I had about 7 years ago and he just can't face having Christmas with me!!! Funny that he managed to repress it all these years when he still owed me.

"having to pay it back"?! what a cheek! sounds like he thought that he could just forget about it & you would too! His loss, I think, not yours.

I'm torn about what to do. Have thought about the "life is to short" letter although dh says we are probably better off without him!

I'm thinking it could have been one of two conversations where I was quite frank about some upsetting behavior of his. One was when he got his girlfriend pregnant (when he was 42) because he wasn't using birth control - although I thought that I was pretty supportive after my initial shock. The other was when he had decided to bring pregnant new wife (they had just eloped) to his son's college graduation. Said son didn't know about the marriage or the pregnancy so it would have been quite a shock to him. To make a long story short, he wound up not doing that but it was stressful for everyone involved.

Well just send back through the family grapevine that you love him and hope to see him soon

makes you seem all mature and lovely and him like the ar$e he's being

Just don't mention washing machines, eh, beety?

at you JanH!
Dh keeps telling me to be the mature one. It's so difficult sometimes.

Cross fingers, have a drink and let dh proofread it before mailing?

or 2 or 3 drinks?

even better beety