It’s probably me!

[Screamserene]

I just need some unbiased opinions as I feel like I’m going mad.

2 small kids. Husband works long hours in shifts. He sleeps in every morning until just before work, gets up to shower and brush teeth then leaves. I do all childcare and housework, all early mornings and overnights. I’ve been trying to catch up on a little sleep in husbands gap so I can get a little time to myself at night to watch a programme I like or do a hobby - he only gets home at approx 10 pm so I try and get some time him too before bed.
He is saying he thinks it’s unreasonable for me to try catch up on sleep or grab some time for myself then as he’s tired from work and wants to relax. I get that, obviously. His job is hard work but I kind of assumed the lie ins until 9 - 10 every day, sometimes 11 - and uninterrupted nights sleep made up for that?
I’m losing myself a bit here behind constant childcare and being on call as mum, and maybe I’m not thinking clearly in terms of what I should expect.

So, is it wrong for me to try catch up on sleep or grab a little time in his work gap?

How many hours does he work, what times and what does he do?

So basically then, when he is at home you are not allowed any free time to do what you want or catch up on sleep, because he needs you to entertain him and keep him company while he relaxes.

Well diddums. You aren't his personal slave and you should be able to spend the little free time you have in doing something you want to do.

What do you mean by his gap?

I'd bugger off for a week and leave him with the kids. There are so many posts along these same lines and it gives me the bloody rage.

You can always leave and then he'll have to parent solo 50/50

No way are you unreasonable

He works 9-3 then 5-9. I’ve been trying to catch up on a little me time - nap if I’ve not slept well the night before, maybe grab a shower and a breather when he’s home between 3-5 pm but he feels like it’s unreasonable because I ‘sit on my arse 80% of the day’. I feel like he doesn’t realise just how much time, effort and energy I expend through the day and night running around after the kids. 2 and 3.

And for the record I don’t spend the day on my arse. It’s totally impossible to even if I was that way inclined.

Well he works less hours than my DH and my DH does more than his fair share of things as I am very unwell. I think he can pull his finger out and do something to help you since they're not silly working hours. I thought you meant he worked night shifts or something. He's being selfish .

Has he explained why looking after your DC is hard work when he does it, but not when you do it?

Oh I get it now. He doesn't want to have to look after the children while he is between shifts, does he? Can't understand why not. Surely all it entails is him sitting on his arse 80% of the time.

I hadn’t thought of it like that, honestly. I just feel really taken for granted and he thinks I’m taking the piss.

He shouldn't be saying you sit on your arse, that's obviously wrong.

And if you (nderstandably) have to rest, you have to rest, you can't help that.

And as PP's say, I think a decent guy would want to give you an hour or two to recover without the pressure on so much.

Apologies I am confused by the hours - do you mean he works 9-3pm then has a two hour gap and works from 5.00pm-9.00pm? Is this 5 days a week (what on earth does he do?).

Quite apart from everything else, telling you that you sit on your arse all day is soooooooo disrespectful.

You need to nip this in the bud, because it will only get worse.

You need a break. Of course you do. Slightly confused though if he's lying in until 11am but you say he starts work at 9am. Or do you mean weekends he has his lie ins? In which case you should split it. So my OH has a lie in on Sat and I have one on Sunday. Remind him that being a mum is a full time job and you need breaks just as much as him

He ordinarily starts at 9am but sometimes he’s able to go in at 11, in which case I leave him to sleep until right before he has to go in. He works split shifts 5 days a week which I appreciate is extremely hard work.
He works in a hotel kitchen.

@Screamserene

He ordinarily starts at 9am but sometimes he’s able to go in at 11, in which case I leave him to sleep until right before he has to go in. He works split shifts 5 days a week which I appreciate is extremely hard work. He works in a hotel kitchen.

I'd be kicking him out of bed and getting him to pull his weight. You're kidding yourself if you are saying that working split shifts 5 days a week is extremely hard work. I've done that and the hours you're describing are very manageable + helping you at home.

He's lazy, rude and disrespectful of what you do at home. His work is not an excuse.

Next time he has a day off, perhaps fuck off for the day and leave him with the kids and a list of the chores your normally do?