Is this normal progression of a relationship?

[OneShopEh]

Me and DP live about an hour apart. I have very flexible working so usually I go to him, he is unable to work from home and so needs to be close to his place of work. That said, he offers to come over regularly and would if I said I couldn’t go to his one week etc.

We met in November. Saw each other one day a week for around three months. First stayed over in March, one night a week for a couple of months. During this time we text nearly every day (thought very short messages and really a checking in rather than chatty text, I wasn’t a massive fan of this as I like more conversation, but he can’t speak when at work, no phone access). We had quite a lot of long phone calls.

Anyway, since around May we started spending two nights nights together, Saturday and Sunday and I’ve logged on from his place to work on Monday. I like this as it means we get time apart to see friends on a Saturday daytime and we are still part of each other’s weeks. We speak on the phone now and then.

We have said we love each other. I don’t like only spending two nights with him. Every now and then we have done three nights but it’s not consistent. Is this normal at this stage? I know everyone is different but I feel that most people by now would be having more than two nights a week together.

It’s difficult to say as it depends on circumstances. If you live an hour apart then it seems reasonable after a few months, but in the coming months I’d be wanting a conversation about where things were going and potentially moving in together - it sounds like you can work from home but he doesn’t?

I’m not sure whether consistency is key, though. Spending weekends together is more normal than weeknights in the early stages. Weeknight sleepovers becomes a lot more like living together.

Talk to him and get a sense of how he feels.

@DisgruntledPelican I feel like when I stay we are in a rhythm of living together for that snapshot of time. We do mundane things like go to the shops, maybe do a walk or just carry on with work from the day. It is all quite boring but I love being with him and sharing the day to day rubbish! I feel like we would be good living together. Is it too soon to raise it? It’s not been that long. That said he is 39 next week so he’s not exactly a teen!

It sounds like logistics are the only thing keeping you apart so just talk to him. Can you work remotely? If so, why not just suggest staying a bit longer?

@girlmom21 I have done that before and that’s when I have stayed three nights rather than two. So he seems ok with it, it’s just he wouldn’t ever ask me to stay? So it makes me wonder how into things he really is!! In the past men have been quite pushy with me

Cross posted. His birthday makes things easier - you can say you're sticking around without even needing to ask. Just make plans for a couple of consecutive days haha

@girlmom21 I could but I feel like it’s me driving it not him asking me to stay longer? He must know I can as I have flexible working!

I spend 2 nights a week with my partner and we've been together 3 years. There is no normal apart from what makes you both happy.

If it's more his lack on enthusiasm than the actual spending time together that bothers you definitely have a chat with him!

Stop asking, and when the evening comes go home. If he wants you to stay, he'll have to ask.

Well if you don’t ask then you’re not going to know.

He could be sitting there thinking oh I’d love her to stay over more but I don’t want to keep expecting her to do the commute.

Whist you’re sitting there thinking oh why won’t he ask me to stay more often???

You can’t be upset if you’re not willing to ask.

If you ask and he says he’s happy with how things are then you know, and you can’t decide if you’re happy with it or not.

Or if you ask and he says yes I’d love you to stay over more then happy days.

Communication is key, people aren’t mind readers and you can’t assume to know how he feels if you haven’t had a conversation about it.

Why not just drop it into conversation “Do you fancy doing a few more nights this week, I quite like working from your house…”

You’ll easily be able to gauge his reaction then you can have a proper talk if you need to.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I spend 2 nights a week with my partner and we've been together 3 years. There is no normal apart from what makes you both happy.

Do either of you have children? It sounds as though the OP and her boyfriend don't.

It's been well under a year. Seems fine to me.

There’s no “normal” progression. I dated someone for about a year and a half and we saw each other Saturday evening to Sunday noon. And had lunch once mid week. We were both fine with it.

However my ex felt like we weren’t “progressing “ because we saw each other 3-4 days a week and I wasn’t ready to move in. So for him it wasn’t normal not to see each other more and eventually move in while I was done with a couple of days together and living apart. One of the reasons we ended in it because he felt there was no progression towards his end goal of living together

So like a pp said ask him. If he’s happy with the way things are then you will have to decide if you can be happy with it.

Who do you think gets to decide what is 'normal'? It's not like there's a set of guidelines.

Really, you know that if what you were doing was making you deliriously happy, you wouldn't give a flying fandoodle whether it was normal or not.

So the question isn't really 'Is this normal', it's 'How can I change this so that it makes me happy.'