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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner never fancied me

15 replies

attachmentstyles12 · 09/07/2021 14:17

My ex never fancied me, and never enjoyed sex with me. He carried on dating me for years because I was a nice person. He wasn't making it up to be nasty. It's true. He's said the same about previous partners, but refuses to accept he is the problem with the same pattern.

What is also true is that I am told by many people that I am very attractive - I am confident in myself! So why does this hurt so much? How can I move on?

OP posts:
comeonpeople · 09/07/2021 14:30

Sounds like he's A sexual OP
Nothing to do with you .

FinallyHere · 09/07/2021 15:04

Like many others before him, he is changing the story to suit his narrative.

You are much better off without him.

GertietheGherkin · 09/07/2021 15:20

Well if he didn't project it onto you, he'd have to accept that he's the one with the problem. He does want to do that so he's made you feel like crap.

I think you, and all the other women he's made these comments about are better off without him in your lives.

I'm assuming he's a 6ft Adonis with a body and tackle to die for?

GertietheGherkin · 09/07/2021 15:20

*doesn't

Doublestar · 09/07/2021 15:23

Well he's a prince isn't he? Couldn't he have just kept that to himself to spare your feelings?
Sounds to me more like he wanted to diminish your confidence - maybe he was threatened by your attractiveness - this is very common Op just look on the relationships board.

Listen to the people who tell you you're very attractive (they wouldn't say that if it weren't true - they'd be more likely to say things like "you have a great personality!") and be glad he's your ex!

Original poster
attachmentstyles12 · 09/07/2021 15:25

I'm assuming he's a 6ft Adonis with a body and tackle to die for?

Nice face. Shapeless body. Smallest tackle.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 09/07/2021 15:25

He has said this vile stuff to you?

You are not the problem, he is.

Please imagine someone spoke to your best friend this way, what would you say to them?

Original poster
attachmentstyles12 · 09/07/2021 15:25

I suspect asexual or avoidant.

Apparently he never enjoyed sex with me either.

OP posts:
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 09/07/2021 15:25

Yes he was making it up to be nasty. That's why it hurts. Do things you enjoy. Buy some plants from a garden centre, read books, listen to podcasts, make you the priority. You will get there.

Original poster
attachmentstyles12 · 09/07/2021 15:28

chickenyhead
He has said this vile stuff to you?

Yes. He said the solution was for me to go to the gym. He didn't accept he repeats the same pattern - even though he's dumped women for developing wrinkles, or having a big belly.
I suggested he read up on attachment styles and seek therapy, but he refused to accept he is the problem.

OP posts:
seensome · 09/07/2021 15:29

That is him being nasty, he wants to sound like has no feelings for anyone but if that really was true he wouldn't be able to be sexual at all.

chickenyhead · 09/07/2021 15:29

@attachmentstyles12

chickenyhead He has said this vile stuff to you?

Yes. He said the solution was for me to go to the gym. He didn't accept he repeats the same pattern - even though he's dumped women for developing wrinkles, or having a big belly.
I suggested he read up on attachment styles and seek therapy, but he refused to accept he is the problem.

The SOLUTION is for him to piss right off!

You are worth more than this, you know that right?

Original poster
attachmentstyles12 · 09/07/2021 15:34

I know 100% chickenyhead it just still hurts you know...

OP posts:
Fustyoldface · 09/07/2021 15:45

This is the one that had a morbidly obese ex. I remember your other posts. You’ve had a lucky escape.

Bridezillamaybe · 10/07/2021 09:31

OP, he didn't admit anything, he claimed something and it was a lie. He is trying to hurt you to avoid whatever it is he doesn't want to discuss / you to find out.

You will drive yourself crazy trying to reason with this person, make him see your point of view, get your own back or even help him.

I briefly dated a guy who pulled this stuff but then we ended up friendly through a group instead.

Luckily for me I was not interested in a relationship with him as was newly single so was only vaguely aware this was strange but not too bothered if that makes sense. We were at a party one night, I was getting on great with all his friends, they were all slagging him that I was out of his league. He took me by the hand and into the bedroom, I assumed he was going to say something sweet to me but he smirked, shook his head and told me he just didn't fancy me. I decided not to bother then, it had been him pursuing me very heavily as I was happily single. He did everything then to keep it going either through arguments or romantic gestures but I gave it no oxygen. In the many years that followed I'd notice the same thing - him flipping from very hot to very nasty with the women he was with. He told me once he was so lonely and he craved a real relationship but he couldn't find the woman that made it easy. He just was messed up and it was all about how he felt about himself than anything else. He was massively unsecure.

The only thing you can do here is walk rapidly the other direction. This is not about you, the gym, nothing. It's all about him.

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