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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU. Or is my husband insensitive?

20 replies

Lullaby88 · 09/07/2021 14:00

I'm at home with my newborn, breastfeeding loads. My daughter who is 3 isn't getting that attention as i hope for her. But i can't entertain her. My newborn feeds loads, i am exhausted, he doesnt like sleeping alone so i have to hold him all the time. He feeds 2 hourly. I could do all this but also entertaining my toddler is hard at the early stages. We try getting out every now again but even thats a struggle!
I decided my daughter should start nursery in the summer and found a nice one local to me. Itl b good for her and myself. We have to pay as its private. Want to send her 3 days a week. My husband who works full time is not happy with this. He says i should wait 6 weeks and then we get free childcare in sept. We are in a financially good position so money isnt an issue. But he thinks its a waste of money. He said to tap in to grandparent support. (My parents and his) which i will on th days she doesnt go nursry (if i need to) But i prefer her in nursery as she will learn more etc anyway. I feel like i cant cope and because he is the main breadwinner i cant say much. Any advice.
Iv also thought to go and stay at my mums if our decision is not to send her to nursery. As i feel i cant cope. But then i also think just ride it out the 6 weeks will fly by. I just want my daughter to hav a good time and play in nursery.

OP posts:
PocketSize · 09/07/2021 14:03

I'd just wait the 6 weeks tbh

30degreesandmeltinghere · 09/07/2021 14:04

Imo your dd will feel worse being sent to nursery...
Use the bf time to watch Disney films, do a jigsaw, sticker books?
Do dd's nails...
Make it a 1-1 time just with a baby in between!! Gaps between my dc range from 15 months to 6 years....

YarnOver · 09/07/2021 14:10

Imo irrespective of money you shouldn't send your DD to nursery right now - she will just feel pushed out in place of the new baby. I agree with DH you may as well just wait, and by then things will be more settled at home and DD will likely feel better about starting.

Two kids at home is really tricky I know. I have the same age gap as you and when my DD2 was born she did not sleep at all so it was beyond exhausting but I kept DD1 at home for the first three months. I agree with your DH that you should get support from family if you can as your eldest will feel more secure. Now is not the time for her to start something totally new.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2021 14:12

How old is baby? Who would do the nursery run? Is it 3 while days your planning on?

I think it will be quite hard on her to be sent away, but if you aren't coping, he needs to look at what he's doing to help. It isn't just your baby. Is he cooking and cleaning? How much pat leave did he take? How hands on is he

lanbro · 09/07/2021 14:19

Are you using a sling? There is only 18 months between mine so dd1 was still very little and needed a lot of attention when dd2 was born, I spent a lot of time with family and friends, and in soft play where dd1 could be safely independent whilst I was feeding dd2. It is hard, and seems worse when sleep deprived, but at 3 she could play in the garden whilst you feed newborn and if you use a sling your hands can be free to do something with your eldest

Ohpulltheotherone · 09/07/2021 14:22

Going against the grain here, I think nursery could be fantastic for your daughter.

Assuming you manage it right. It’s not a given that she will feel pushed out.
At 3 she will be old enough to really enjoy it, playing with friends, lots of attention from the key workers etc.
Why not start with a couple of half days a week over the summer, or even 3 half days.

That will be enough for her to find her feet and for you to remove some of the pressure of keeping her entertained the whole day, if she goes in the morning you can pick her up, make a nice lunch together and then she can either nap or do some quieter activities after lunch. Nursery does wipe them out to start with.

Your husband is being entirely unreasonable basing it all on finances, if you can afford it then he is wrong to tell you to just suck it up. Why doesn’t he fucking suck it up then. No he goes off to work and leaves you to breastfeed a new born and care for an active toddler.

If he will not agree it then I would go and stay with your mum. He sounds totally unsupportive

Lullaby88 · 09/07/2021 21:21

Thanks for all the advice, still a discussion in progress. I never saw it as pushing my daughter away. But id hate her to feel that way and be overwhelmed with too many changes suddenly.
The last post is what i was thinking initially but its good to see it from 2 sides and also to think mayb my husband isnr being unreasonable.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 09/07/2021 21:25

Have a box of toys she likes. Whenever you feed she gets one of the toys, and you don’t remove it until she goes to bed.
Or snuggle up together when you’re feeding, and read a book.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2021 21:25

I wouldn't send her now. Why is it you feel you can't cope? It's a juggling act with a 3 year old and a newborn, but it settles down.

DinosaurDiana · 09/07/2021 21:25

And I’d put her in nursery, she’ll love it. Lots of new friends and different toys.

Santanomore · 09/07/2021 21:35

@Lullaby88

Thanks for all the advice, still a discussion in progress. I never saw it as pushing my daughter away. But id hate her to feel that way and be overwhelmed with too many changes suddenly. The last post is what i was thinking initially but its good to see it from 2 sides and also to think mayb my husband isnr being unreasonable.
If your daughter had already been in nursery it probably would have been better. But if she hasn't been before she probably will see it as being pushed out.

I kept my DS1 in with the childminder we used before I went on mat leave until my newborn was a month old. We then sent him one day a week until he was 3. My DH also took a month off work to help with the DC. Any chance your DH could do that? If family are near by and willing to help, definitely tap into them.

I don't know about the new scheme, but I used the old childcare voucher scheme and my employer actually paid my voucher contributions while I was on maternity pay. So I effectively got £240 or whatever it was for free while on maternity.

Moomala · 09/07/2021 21:44

I think she might feel pushed out if it's right after the baby. I would get grandparents support and maybe spend the time you can with her when you baby is asleep. It doesn't have to be long. Bits of the day here and there.

Comtesse · 10/07/2021 12:42

Sorry paint a 3 year olds nails at the same time as breastfeeding? Ummmm hahaha no. Lots of telly is probably all you can manage. Nursery might help, but if grandparents can support, I would lean on them.

NB the person who earns the money does NOT get to make all the financial decisions.

EarthSight · 10/07/2021 13:19

I feel like i cant cope and because he is the main breadwinner i cant say much

This is really wrong. When women becomes mothers and decide to stay at home, that does not or should not mean that he gets to have a final say over everything. To live in this situation is to live in a 1950s marriage. Do you want to be infantilised in that way? Do you want to ask him permission before you do everything, like getting the approval of a father? It's an unhealthy power dynamic and needs to stop now before it develops further.

YOU are the one who is mainly taking care of the children, not him. It is YOUR body that gave birth, YOUR body that is exhausted and tired after feeding.

If money isn't an issue then he's being self-centred and unempathic here. He's not thinking or doesn't care about how this affects you at all, and is already exercising his power over the purse strings by denying you something which is quite reasonable.

You have the money - use it. One of the perks of having money and being better off is being able to make these kinds of choices and give you a break.

If he had to wait between carrying on exhausted for 6 weeks, and using the money he's got to give himself a break....do you think he's would think twice about that??

Yes, it's 'only' six weeks.......so if it's 'only' six weeks, why is he not willing to pay for childcare when you have the money?? After all, it's 'only' six weeks, isn't it?

If you want 3 days and he wants none at all, why can't you compromise and agree on half of that? Your child might not like nursery mind - introverted children won't really take to the noise, social buzz and new environment in the same way as a more extroverted child would. I can see valid reasons for not putting her there, but am just pointing all this out because all too often mothers are often made small and vulnerable when they have children because they're financially reliant on their husbands.

TiredButDancing · 10/07/2021 13:22

wow, this thread is bizarre.

  1. She will only feel that way if you make her. Surely you make it clear to her that you want her to have a good time and mummy isn't much fun right now is she? And then make sure that you DO have fun with her when she's around.
  1. Just because he's the breadwinner, doesn't mean he gets to make all financial decisions. Because if he feels that way, then it's time for him to start paying you for childcare so that you have the freedom to make your own financial decisions.
30degreesandmeltinghere · 10/07/2021 13:27

Feeding can be done without hands!! Actually I found it was a great opportunity to be sat with older dc and give quality time..
Never had any issues with jealousy or dc not bonding
.

Happylittlethoughts · 10/07/2021 15:43

I would not send her to Nursery. I say this as a teacher and someone who works in Nurseries. Why not utilise grandparents? The love, learning and play can be invaluable.

Maggiesfarm · 10/07/2021 15:48

I'd wait the six weeks, lullaby. It will fly past.

layladomino · 10/07/2021 15:50

Your DH doesn't get the final say. He can have an opinion, as can you. When your opinions differ you talk about it and each put forward your arguements. I would say in this case you have a greater say as the current arrangement isn't working for you.

And don't be guilt-tripped about sending your DD to nursery. I remember when my DD started school a teacher telling me that the children who settled in faster were those who'd been to nursery (there was one semi-attached to the school). Those children also already knew each other and were off the starting blocks with friendships etc. My daughter wasn't one of those who'd been to the nursery by the way. I would have done it different the second time.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 10/07/2021 15:59

You know your DD best and whether she's ready for nursery.
My DD was 3.5 when his sister was born. He saw himself as one of the big ones, with his parents, not as a recent-baby.
If your DD is like that she'll be totally happy with a new experience.

"Tap into grandparent support" is only reasonable if the grandparents are able & willing to provide suitable support.
If they are, tho, that could be a great solution for the next few weeks.

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