1 year update!

[dramalessllama]

I've changed user names several times and I don't remember which one I used to post my original thread, but here's a brief synopsis:

Whirlwind relationship, married less than a year after 1st date, the day after we married is when the controlling behavior started and it snowballed from there into an emotionally abusive marriage.

I was going to sell my house to move into our "dream home" that we purchased in another state (he was already living there full time, leaving me to get my house ready to sell), and everyone here advised to not sell right yet and wait to see if he would own his part and work on our marriage. He didn't, blaming everything on me and telling me it was mine to fix.

Since then...

I took my house off the market and doubled up on therapy (twice a week) and finally gathered the strength to tell him I couldn't do this anymore. He tried to bully me into accepting a severely low ball financial settlement, thinking that I'd have forgotten everything I had contributed due to my mental fog.

He underestimated me. I saved everything.

His original offer was 6K. We finally settled for 75K (what I wanted), which is exactly what I had paid into the dream house, plus my lawyer's fees. And yesterday, my petition for divorce was filed. We just now wait for a court date.

It's been a rough year rebuilding my self esteem and working through my codependency issues. But even during the rough parts, I still woke up every morning feeling giddy because I was emotionally free. I could do whatever I wanted with my day without repercussions!

Since then, I've ended a few friendships, some mutual friends of ours, because they added nothing to my life. I also landed my dream job and am working as an independent contractor, which means I can say "no" to any job if I'm not feeling up to it.

I still have my low moments, but I haven't cried once after filing for separation. I have my house, and I adopted a rescue pittie. I'm also searching for MY dream house, and I'm excited about my future!

So thank you to those of you who virtually held my hand, put a label on my situation (emotional abuse), advised me not to sell, and gave me strength to say "enough."

I'm kinda proud of myself. :)

Congratulations! A lovely thread. Wishing you luck

Oooh I loved the bit where he expected to bully you into a low settlement and you didn't budge an inch! You deserve to feel proud of yourself :)

I remember your posts OP. Great update. You deserve to feel proud.

What a fantastic update, well done for finding the strength you needed and I hope your future is amazing!

I remember you OP.

Congratulations on your freedom, and well done for making the break and getting a fair settlement. It's so lovely to hear a positive outcome, your original thread was very sad to read.

All the best to you for the future

Fantastic update, I remember your thread and you deserve to feel very proud of yourself. I hope this inspires others in a similar situation.

@dramalessllama

That's brilliant, thank you fir the update and congratulations.

You rock

For anyone going through a breakup with someone who has a borderline personality disorder or has narcissistic tendencies, these are what helped me the most.

1. Finding the right therapist who has experience dealing with victims emotional abusers. I found mine via word of mouth. I saved most of my stuff for her ears only so as to not wear out my lovely friends.

1. Being kind to myself. There were times where I couldn't face the day, so I stayed in bed. All day. No guilt. That's not an option for many, I know. For the times when I absolutely had to show up, I gave myself a treat at the end of the day - time to read a book, watch a movie, have a glass of wine...or 2. Again, no guilt.

1. Reading everything I could on the subject of emotional abuse and narcissism. Forums, books, Google...The book "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with a Borderline or Narcissistic Disorder" was incredibly helpful to prepare me as to what to expect from him during separation proceedings. He was an expert at blindsiding me. The suggestions in this book helped me to not react and to protect myself. Which leads into the last most important thing that helped me...

1. Hiring a lawyer who has experience in dealing with high conflict divorces. This should be #1, actually. It is SO important to find the right lawyer! Again, I found mine via word of mouth from a friend who had hired and fired 3 lawyers before finding this one. Expect to pay top dollar. At $500/hr, mine was worth every penny. I had to borrow money from my brother, but it's paid back in full and I'm saving again. You can't put a price on your mental health and peace of mind.

I hope this helps.

Fantastic, well done
🥂 here's to the future

Hot damn! Well done OP!

Yes, I remember the thread. Wow, well done @dramalessllama xxxx

What a bloody fantastic woman you are. Be happy.

Awww, thanks for the love and well wishes everyone! I do remember my original post being dark and hopeless, which matched my feelings at the time. I never would have pictured myself feeling happy less than a year later. I mean, this was my "Soulmate"!! lol

The experience was invaluable, though, not that I'd wish it on my enemy or go through it again myself. Therefore, I've had a lot to learn about codependency and boundaries and how to spot red flags, all while in my 50s.

Hindsight, being the gift that it is, really opened my eyes as to just how many red flags I glossed over.

UPDATE to my UPDATE

I am officially divorced from my abusive narc-ex! Divorce via zoom is the way to go! It was like the Brady Bunch with the checkerboard of heads, except, my exH was having "problems getting his video camera to work" so he was there in voice only. Coward!

I was giddy through the entire thing, and at the end of the hearing, after the judge gave us final information, my arms flew into the air and I let out a big YESSSSSSS!!! My best girlfriends were there with me off camera, and we celebrated with wine.

What is interesting to me is how I've changed, thanks to the trauma of the past year (really, 2 years). I'm no longer willing to entertain any relationship - personal or professional - that brings me down or adds stress to my life.

I unexpectedly found and purchased MY dream home and hired a realtor to sell my current one. 6 weeks of talking with her and all she did was bark orders - "Is it empty yet?" To date she has never seen my house! I was close to having meltdowns because I had no idea what the timeline was, what my house would be listed for, and the selling process in general. So I ended our contract (prior to me signing anything) and found a new realtor who has already done more in 2 days than my old realtor did.

I don't think I could have done that a year ago.

My exH (prior to our divorce hearing) made a couple of feeble attempts at email communication about things I wanted back that were listed in the settlement agreement. He offered to bring them to me along with some papers I had forgotten, and my sole email response was, "I won't be home so please leave them on the doorstep." I don't think I could have done that either a year ago. I would have opened that door to communication again, and it would have only served to reassure exH that he is a good guy after all. Because in his mind if he wasn't, why would I chat with him as if no abuse happened?

Anyway, this may be interesting to only me, but I wanted to share because a small part of me needing validation is still there. :)

I remember you! What a huge way you have come this past year or so; absolutely amazing. And thank you for posting all this. It is sure to help more than one woman in the future.

Congratulations

Congratulations OP. You are triumphant!

This is all AMAZING, @dramalessllama!! Congratulations!!

So pleased for you!

Thanks, everyone!! Freedom feels so fucking good!