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Original poster

Is my relationship doomed because I don’t want to introduce new boyfriend to my kids?

24 replies

Rinser12 · 09/07/2021 12:50

Long back story but I’ve separated from my husband for nearly 2 years and have been in a new relationship for 7 months.
I really love my new boyfriend and am happy with how the relationship is progressing. My children spend 2-3 days a week with their dad so I feel I’ve plenty of time to myself.
My children are both under 4 and I do not feel at all ready to introduce them to my boyfriend. In fact I don’t ever see a time of that happening. Not because there is anything wrong with my bf but I just don’t imagine a life where I ever involve someone with my children for it to end and there to be another loss to them.
My boyfriend understands this and is happy with how things are but there have been comments from both our friends and family that it’s weird he hasn’t met them yet after us being together the length of time we have. He has met some of my family.
I just feel after the shock break up of my marriage I’m still quite guarded,my boyfriend knows this and is happy with how things are for us. I wonder though is it some sort of subconscious feeling that this is going to last or perhaps just being protecting myself?
I’m very open with my boyfriend and have told him im quite jaded now about love and relationships after marrying for life for it to be pulled from under my feet and me left with nothing. I can’t imagine ever living with someone again or thinking they are ‘the one’, be that my current boyfriend or anyone else.
Maybe these feelings will go with time…

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2021 12:54

You can do whatever makes you happy, and if it works for you both then it's fine. But if your family know you're together and you see them with him, when will your children? Presumably you don't intend to keep it a secret? What if they ask to meet him?

Whoknows11 · 09/07/2021 13:06

@ritor I feel exactly the same! However we've planned on my children meeting my boyfriend but obviously very anxious!

I hope one day our lives will be less separate and this is just the beginning.

Don't feel pressure from anyone just do what you feels right!

IamThrough · 09/07/2021 13:09

In my Opinion the only right time to introduce a new boyfriend to ones children is when it feels right for you.
At the moment both you and your boyfriend are happy with not introducing - so that's fine. You may decide in a months time that you are then ready - or that time may not happen for another 6 months, a year or never. The important thing is that you continue to communicate with your boyfriend about it and you both agree.

As your children are still young I think its fine that other members of the family do know about him - and if he comes up in conversation he can just be referred to as Mums friend.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 09/07/2021 13:10

I would be saying firmly to anyone who asked about this 'I take my time with all decisions I make about my children'.

Bbub · 09/07/2021 13:22

I dont think theres anything wrong with your situation. Its only been 7 months anyway, what's the rush! there's plenty of time for you to change things if you wish.

I feel the same as you by the way, totally jaded about love and rships, don't believe in the one etc

I would introduce a bf to dc only as a friend when I'm ready.

Enjoy your lovely bf.. friends and family need to mind their own business!

ravenmum · 09/07/2021 13:30

comments from both our friends and family that it’s weird he hasn’t met them yet after us being together the length of time we have
You've hardly been together any time at all. They're the ones that are weird.

itsmellslikepopcarn · 09/07/2021 13:34

I don’t think 7 months is a long time at all, I waited over a year to introduce DP to DD after splitting with her Dad as she was struggling with the separation. Perhaps the fears you have will lighten as you stay together longer.

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/07/2021 13:38

Hi op, I have been with my bf for 2 years and introduced him to my kids after 6 months. It was going to be a bit longer but they asked to meet him (they were 11 and 13 at the time).

They are a fair bit of him and he is actually living with us for a few weeks until he can move into his new home but I still keep my relationship with my kids and with my bf quite separate. I don’t want to move in with him (or anyone else) any time soon and the thought of getting married again fills me with dread after my marriage unexpectedly broke down to to an affair (on my ex’s side).

You don’t have to blend families for your relationship to be valid or important. It’s your relationship and as long as you and your bf are happy then other people’s opinions are irrelevant x

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/07/2021 13:38

*see a fair bit of him

sunnyzweibrucken · 09/07/2021 19:28

Honestly I wish more people would wait to introduce their kids to their partners. I think you are doing the right thing

Lili132 · 09/07/2021 23:02

I think there is a huge difference between introducing kids to new partner and letting children to get attached!
Children under 4 meet new people all the time, they don't even understand he's your boyfriend, you could introduce him as a friend. I personally would not invest in someone if I didn't know their children and what's the dynamic in the family (this could be a deal breaker). I would also not invest in someone if I didn't know whether he likes my kids and feels comfortable with them. I know I go completely opposite to the common advice on here to wait moths and years but I want to make it clear that I mean few odd meet ups, not letting children build close relationship or get attached too early.

But if you don't see a future with anyone you need to make it clear to him so he doesn't waste time if he's after serious relationship.

Lili132 · 09/07/2021 23:08

@sunnyzweibrucken

Honestly I wish more people would wait to introduce their kids to their partners. I think you are doing the right thing

My friend was really lucky that his girlfriend introduced her children too him after few weeks. They were under 6 and turned out to be very spoilt and the mother lacked completely in parenting skills. It was a lucky escape for him as he knew he could not deal with that but the story could have been completely different if he was already invested in the relationship after a year.

Also children didn't get traumatised, they only saw him few odd times as a friend, like they see other friends of their mum.

It is much more traumatising for children when they get introduced when relationship is already serious and then turns out that partner leaves after a year because he could not accept the dynamics of the family yet had no guts to leave earlier because he was too invested!

It happens all the time!

Maggiesfarm · 09/07/2021 23:12

I think you are very sensible, op. This is your private life which you conduct between yourself and boyfriend on your own. Much more fun than making him part of the family. It's nobody else's business.

SweatyBetty20 · 09/07/2021 23:25

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for a year and haven’t met his teenaged kids yet - I’m fine with it. He has them for 4 days a week, and we like it that it’s just us at the moment. They now know about me, and are a bit curious, but there’s no rush. He’s been divorced for four years and I’m his first relationship, so we’re just taking it slow and steady.

MotionActivatedDog · 09/07/2021 23:33

Yes!!! Finally a thread where the poster acknowledges it’s possible to date without bringing your kids into it!

You’re doing the right thing OP! Spread the word- there are a great many women who need to learn this is possible!

billy1966 · 09/07/2021 23:46

I fail to see why it's anyone's business, why they would feel entitled to comment, and why you would listen to them.

"Thanks for sharing your opinion🙄, but I've got this".

7 months is nothing and I can well imagine you are still processing the shock of your marriage ending, if it was unexpected.

Go with your gut on this.

rattusrattus20 · 10/07/2021 00:01

i can't stand to see people rushing to introduce their kids to whatever Tom, Dick, or Harry they happen to have been seeing a little bit of, I'd be appalled at anyone trying to rush you, whilst seven months doesn't sound indecently hasty, it's also not a huge amount of timev at all, waiting sounds more than fine to me

Paddling654 · 10/07/2021 00:05

Do what you want. Very responsible not to introduce them. That said, someone who will be fine with never being part of your family would be likely to hurt you

Fireflygal · 10/07/2021 06:03

Thanks for sharing your opinion🙄, but I've got this"

Perfect answer.

Op, 7 months isn't long so you are being sensible because life has told you that partners can be unreliable. It seems to take 2 years to know someone so you have lots of time.

Dating as a parent is different and I think this is what you are experiencing. If your bf doesn't have dc then he may not fully understand your situation and assume you and him are on a natural path to living together but when you're a parent it's not always the best option to live together.

Does he want dc of his own?

CrazyNeighbour · 10/07/2021 06:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

decoratedstandardlamp · 10/07/2021 06:22

I think you sound a great mother, follow your instincts.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/07/2021 07:47

@MotionActivatedDog

Yes!!! Finally a thread where the poster acknowledges it’s possible to date without bringing your kids into it!

You’re doing the right thing OP! Spread the word- there are a great many women who need to learn this is possible!

I agree.

I have a friend that does this as she knows first hand, like many of us, the many downsides to bring new partners into children’s lives. It works perfectly and everyone is very happy.

Goldenpig71 · 21/05/2025 01:01

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and have not met his family or introduce to my family. I have been divorced for 15 years and been single for 10 years. I love this kind of relationship where I don't have to introduce because it is more fun and I can dodge obligation. I am intending to discuss this with my boyfriend and see if we can keep it private forever

Shweet · 21/05/2025 06:27

7 months is not that long at all to be calling it weird not to have met the children.
When it's a year, it would be weird to not have met any friends or some family by then but not the children still.

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