Does anyone have a partner on the spectrum? I’m struggling

[Jattyi]

I’ve been with DP quite a while. When we first met I found him very reserved and quiet, and unusual in a lot of ways. He liked order and routine (as do I) but it was very formal and regimented, almost like he was a bit panicked or deeply confused if things were changed. It was mild and I didn’t think it was anything to do with being on the spectrum, I just thought it was different to other people. I fell in love with him quite fast.

As time went on he opened up about things and said as a child he was assessed and he is on the spectrum. He is very high functioning and self aware, in many cases he is no different to anyone else.

But I am finding some things quite hard. We’ve been trying to book a weekend away for a long time. He constantly says he can’t commit as he has a rota at work which he won’t know until the week. I’ve asked him to book a day off and he says he can’t do that at the moment, work is busy etc. I would be ok with this it it wasn’t months later on the flip side, I know he is eager to go away with me and sometimes ( after a drink mostly) he gets upset and says he really does want to do these things together he just struggles with finding the time. I just don’t know what to do.

I have to email him about potential plans as he just freezes if I say anything to him and he is put on the spot. This system has worked well as he responds after a few days and has clearly considered what I have said in detail...but it is frustrating for me. Sometimes I just want to have a quick chat about where we will eat or where we might visit at the weekend and it seems like this mammoth task that he’s incapable of discussing there and then. He also goes on about not wanting to let me down by changing plans last minute...I’ve repeatedly said I’m fine with that, I just don’t want to never make plans at all!!

We have talked about living together and he’s really keen on the idea, as am I. Then last night, he finds out that he might be relocated with work and tells me he’s not sure how we can live together despite me having worked from home since 2014! Obviously I can be remote wherever and he knows this. It has thrown me and I don’t know if it is part of his struggles on the spectrum or whether he’s actually telling me he doesn’t want to take that step.

He can be very physically affectionate and makes me feel very loved but I rarely get texts of affection (unless he’s had a drink), it’s usually just very practical contact and absolutely no flirting whatsoever. In fact I don’t think he’s ever flirted with me. I mention this as I often find it hard to remember how he feels when we are apart.

I really do love the man and want to be with him. I’m just struggling with these behaviours and wondered if anyone else had similar situation and how they can help their partner/the relationship.

You are not right for each other. End it and move on.

I think if you want to be together you may need to tell him when he relocates you can relocate with him and work from the new home. If he doesn't want to do that I would call it a day as you have different aims but if he may see you wfh as working from your current home. Or if may think you wouldn't be interested in moving with him. I would just be very direct and hopefully you will find out exactly where you stand.

@Silkiecats I have been quite direct but I often get responses like ‘that would be great I just don’t know how it would work.’ Not exactly the response you want when excited to be with someone? But he is very loving in other ways so I do believe he wants this. It is very confusing.

in many cases he is no different to anyone else

You need to read up on autism, in many situations, autistic people are the same as or better than anyone else at different tasks and in different situations.

A lot of your frustrations and misunderstandings about how he sees things would be a lot less bothersome if you had a bit more knowledge about how he sees a situation.

There's a long-running thread in relationships about living with an autistic OH, it's written from all of the NT partners' points of view, it's not very positive, but there again, few people post there to say how wonderful their OH is, do they?

Transitions, which is the term for changes, can be a real struggle for autistic people, their ordered world in which they feel comfortable is suddenly turned upside down in a much more serious way than an NT person would experience it.
Give him time and space to process any changes or suggested changes, don't pressure him until he's comfortable.

The Purple Ella blog and youtube videos explain what it's like to be an autistic adult in an NT world, it may give you some insight into his worldviews.
Caveat - no 2 autistic people are the same, but it will give you a general overview about why some decisions are almost too hard for him to make or discuss, until he's had time to process them.

With my son who is ASD (much younger) with things like holidays I have to go through a day by day plan so were we are going and he always asks every meal time and every meal. I make it up some times and then he is fine just wants a full plan.

He may want it spelling out exactly how it would work e.g. you move in on x date, you share a room, he goes to work, you work from his home, you split bills 50-50 or whatever arrangement you want. I would ask him what he needs to know, maybe he wants it but is scared of change.

@BlankTimes

in many cases he is no different to anyone else

You need to read up on autism, in many situations, autistic people are the same as or better than anyone else at different tasks and in different situations.

A lot of your frustrations and misunderstandings about how he sees things would be a lot less bothersome if you had a bit more knowledge about how he sees a situation.

There's a long-running thread in relationships about living with an autistic OH, it's written from all of the NT partners' points of view, it's not very positive, but there again, few people post there to say how wonderful their OH is, do they?

Transitions, which is the term for changes, can be a real struggle for autistic people, their ordered world in which they feel comfortable is suddenly turned upside down in a much more serious way than an NT person would experience it.
Give him time and space to process any changes or suggested changes, don't pressure him until he's comfortable.

The Purple Ella blog and youtube videos explain what it's like to be an autistic adult in an NT world, it may give you some insight into his worldviews.
Caveat - no 2 autistic people are the same, but it will give you a general overview about why some decisions are almost too hard for him to make or discuss, until he's had time to process them.

Thanks @BlankTimes this is so helpful! I think my main worry is how do I know what is reluctance about us and what is just his way of thinking kicking in? That’s my main issue. If I knew he just needed time and it wasn’t game playing etc then I would be able to understand much better. In the back of my mind I think this is such a strange reaction, maybe he’s just pushing me away...

@Silkiecats

With my son who is ASD (much younger) with things like holidays I have to go through a day by day plan so were we are going and he always asks every meal time and every meal. I make it up some times and then he is fine just wants a full plan.

He may want it spelling out exactly how it would work e.g. you move in on x date, you share a room, he goes to work, you work from his home, you split bills 50-50 or whatever arrangement you want. I would ask him what he needs to know, maybe he wants it but is scared of change.

Thanks @Silkiecats like I said to @BlankTimes above, my main worry is what if it is reluctance to be with me? Or game playing/excuses? How can I be sure. He says he wants to live together but it is then met with ‘but I don’t see how.’ It seems like such a strange thing to say...if you want to live with your partner then you make it happen, don’t you... the questions and blockers he seems to raise lead me to think ok maybe you’re just stringing me along.

I think its more likely to be anxiety about change than game playing, normally ASD are quite direct and honest to the point of being too honest for NT people sometimes.

@Silkiecats

I think its more likely to be anxiety about change than game playing, normally ASD are quite direct and honest to the point of being too honest for NT people sometimes.

@Silkiecats thanks. Each step of the relationship has had a similar pattern... how can we stay over? I want to but how will it work? Etc etc. Now we are in a nice routine but it took the first few months of the relationship to get there. I remember once saying I would leave his key in the letterbox after I had left (he went to work at 6am) and the drama around it was on another level...where would I leave it, how would it be left, when would I leave it, should we leave it there etc etc. I love him so much that I don’t ever like to make a fuss when he questions things like this and I just discuss it with him until it’s sorted. But with something like living together, my emotions are involved so it is hard not to take the questions and hesitance personally.

Having read your examples i think this is more about his priority being work than about ASD. also, do we need another one of these threads slurring and generalising about ASD? I really dislike them, personally.

It doesn't matter what's caused by ASD and what's not. These behaviours are who he is, and who he is is making you feel unsteady in the relationship.

You can't 'forgive' or 'let someone off' a behaviour that makes you feel crap, just because they have ASD. You'll just end up putting up with stuff that makes you feel crap.

He needs to be in a relationship with someone who is comfortable with his quirks. We all do. You need to be with someone whose quirks don't make you feel they're reluctant in the relationship.

You do not meet each other's needs.

I don't think you can help him improve, in that these things are part and parcel of who he is (which I'm sure you know).
But if you know and accept his limitations because his other qualities are what you want for your life, then you would have to do things that minimise them. Anticipating the sticking point and taking avoiding action is a key skill.
So if spontaneity isn't do-able for him, you help by giving him notice for stuff. If he can't make a decision while the discussion is happening (which is verbal processing and executive function coming together), you would help the conversation by texting him the main points to consider ahead, so he can decide what he thinks about it before you chat.
I only have a parental relationship to someone on the AS which is a different dynamic, but for instance I know things can't be rushed, so I make sure I am prepared in advance and allow plenty of time (not my natural way, I'm more of a last minute scramble kind of person but I can adjust more easily). Of course there are times when last minute things happen, then I keep information to a minimum, keep things to think about as single clear things one at a time (give requests one by one), to minimise the freeze thing.
So, it doesn't bother me, but I'm a mum not a life partner, but I still think my child would make a good life partner as they are a great person, and it is manageable.
Only you can decide if this is something you can live with forever, I think it helps to think about what would happen if life got tough and whther it would be OK. For instance, my DH is useless at lots of things (not AS) but I don't mind cos I'm good at those things and don't mind pulling his weight in those areas cos he is good at other stuff I'm not. When I imagine a life crisis, it's me sorting it all out, but that's OK I prefer it that way anyway.
sorry if this waffle isn't evry helpful

@SausagePourHomme

Having read your examples i think this is more about his priority being work than about ASD. also, do we need another one of these threads slurring and generalising about ASD? I really dislike them, personally.

I agree. There was an ADHD one (I have adhd ) the other day. They're getting rather tiresome and offensive. People with ASD, ADHD, phsyical disabilities (I have this also) are perfectly capable of a) having a relationship and b) having character flaws like absolutely everything else. However for some very unfair reason b) is usually blamed on ASD or ADHD or whatever else which is pretty bloody horrible.

• having character flaws like absolutely everyone else !

It's a bit of stereotype but I too would expect with ASD that there wouldn't be much game playing or stringing along on his part - if you ask the right questions I would think you will get very honest answers.

It sounds like he perceives a lot of new challenges with the upcoming transition and that can be overwhelming to process, and that is translating into a 'I want to live together but I don't see how'.

Take him at his word, he wants to live with you but there are lots of barriers at the moment. If you can help structure a way forward in such a way that it is not information overload and so that things appear manageable this will help.

But you also have to work out where you're at and what you can manage as well.

@YarnOver I also have autism and ADHD but I don't get why people get so offended about NT partners looking for support. I know that these disabilities make me extremely difficult to live with...why shouldn't people seek support?

@YarnOver not sure how it’s offensive. DP is the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. I think the world of him.

@PieceOfString thank you

I used to see a man who self-identified as having ASD traits.

His strange little ways were all blamed on the (self-diagnosed) ASD.

What it boiled down to was I could put up or shut up, and he was using it as an excuse.

I didn't hang around.

Would you be looking to have children together one day? Bear in mind asd is often hereditary do there's a high chance you would have children who have the same patterns of behaviour. You'd end up having a quiet stressful life trying to balance everyone's needs - and your own needs would probably always be put last. Plus your DP would, by the sounds of it, find coping with you

Since he is well aware of his own challnges, why don't you invite him to map out how living together 'could' work. So you and he want to live together. He is moving areas so now all the nitty gritty details are changing as well as combining two poeples lives. He wants it but can't see past all the unknowns of twenty squillion changes all at once.
So could you make a flow chart to the goal like:

You find house (can 2 people share it yes/no)
You move stuff to house (Leave half wardrobe and cupbaords free for my stuff later)
You get back to your routine and life rhythm
a period of time passes (Choose how, long 3 months?)
I move in on trial basis
I move in permanently

Leaving room for as many steps along the way to fill in whatever blanks he has, or to do lists for each step...

GAH posted too soon.

Meant to say...

Find coping with your pregnancy difficult, as well as the new born and toddler stage when things cannot always be planned and predictable. I would personally not be willing to commit myself to a relationship that would place so many demands on me and be so one sided in terms of support.

[quote Jattyi]@YarnOver not sure how it’s offensive. DP is the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. I think the world of him.[/quote]
Well I wouldn't have guessed that from your OP!!!! You don't sound like you like him very much at all

@YarnOver probably because I’m posting about something I find challenging, and not posting all the reasons I love him

What worked for me was being very direct.
I had to lose all subtleties, inferences, hints and nuances. Plain speaking had rewards.

Once, very early on in our r/ship, we had arranged for friends to come to dinner. Early that day, I said 'let's tidy up', can you do upstairs please? I dusted vac'd mopped etc downstairs and he was very quiet. I went up to see how he was getting on and he showed me proudly the cupboard he'd reorganised.

You and I know exactly that 'tidy up' means make the house look nice and clean, but that's not how he processed it at all.

Massive lesson for me, if you need him to do a task, you need to explain exactly what that task is and which steps he needs to follow.

Your partner may well be able to tidy as an NT person would perceive it, but there will be things that will happen like my example and then it's up to you to figure out how you can deal with it.
It's pointless saying I asked you to tidy when in his perception he has tidied.

Good communication and understanding are the key to making a success of a relationship with anyone who thinks differently.

Realising they are not being obtuse for the sake of it helps a lot.