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Original poster

Split? Am I doing the right thing

13 replies

Rightdecison · 09/07/2021 10:55

I think I'm doing the right thing? So me and partner have been together around 7 years. But never lived together. That works for us. We have 2 children together who are 5 and 6. I have children that are not his as well.

The issue is he has never taken to my now 14 year old. The 14 year old has caused me quite a bit of stress/upset. But he's still my child and of course he's a teenager so there are hormones etc mixed in with this. The now ex had always thrown out sarky comments everytime ds14 says or does something wrong. Ds was going on and on at me yesterday and it was really stressing me out. And then the now ex butt's in. "he's trying to ruin your day" I then told ex that's out of order . Ds14 left the room at that point . I then told now ex NO its you that has ruined my day you had no reason to say what you did. He replied well I could see you were getting stressed and I hate to see you like that. But it did not enter his head by him saying what he did. Its me that has to pick up all the shit. Its me that has to make sure ds14 is OK. There has always been bad vibes between them. Yes at 14 I could think some of it could be ds. But not 7 years ago when he was just 7 years old. So I just think now ex has set the way. He's always been good with my other children. But just not my 14 year old. He told me he's tired really hard over the years . He's not I mean he gives of bad vibes and has to make sarky comments here and there. Its not often he does it. But it's undoes all the weeks that they have been reasonably OK.

Today he used the words he don't like me I don't like him. As soon as he said that I felt there's no going back I can't be with someone who does not like my child.

He's always telling me he loves me and he treats me well generally. But he can't really love me if he says stuff about my child because that really hurts me.

I have probably left things out not explained well. As its hard to untangle in my head .

OP posts:

Dogfan · 09/07/2021 12:17

I think your view is valid but also he is an adult and he should be able to exhibit some self control over his feelings and emotions in a way that a 7-14 year old cannot. It's acceptable for him to find your child challenging but not to say hurtful things to your child or to you. If you have raised this repeatedly and he still does it then it does show a lack of respect for you and your feelings as well which Is another issue. Ultimately what you have described sounds like a long standing issue and one you have spoken to him about multiple times. I can't see the situation improving so yes I think it does sound like you are doing the right thing.

mynameisbrian · 09/07/2021 12:31

I wouldnt have stayed with a man who was making snarky comments at my then 7yr old DC. You stayed with him for 7yrs and have allowed him to continue with your now 14yr old DS. Its no surprise things havent improved and I feel sorry that your `14yr old is treated differently to the others. I wouldnt have that man around my 14yr old

FortunesFave · 09/07/2021 12:39

You're doing the right thing. How dare he say that about your son??

I have a 13 year old and she's a NIGHTMARE sometimes...a lot of the time actually but that's just how it is for some teens.

It's hard but he needs to support you positively and be a good role model for your son. Not act like a wanker who's out to get the better of him.

What will he do in 5 years when your son's a young man? Start a fight with him?

DUMP HIM.

edwinbear · 09/07/2021 15:26

Do you think perhaps your DS is difficult because he's spent 7 years around a man who clearly dislikes him? You may well find his behaviour vastly improves now your ex is out of his life. Just a thought.

Original poster

Rightdecison · 09/07/2021 18:24

@edwinbear

I honestly can't answer that because we don't know what it's like to not have it how it was.

But ds can be very hard work and be pretty horrible to me with mind games etc. But that's at 14. At 14 I do think he some responsibility for how he speaks to me and the mind games at 14. But not as much as say an adult. As he is still 14 which is a child and on top of that has hormones going round . He basically does this when he can't get what he wants. But he also has a lovely caring side to him. He has a funny humour and it can be very dry. There have been times they have got on. But it only takes a small thing to upset things again.

BUT as 7 years old ds. It should never have happened. Ds was throwing tantrums and things but I put it down to that I was in a new relationship and that ds had not had an adult male in his life since birth. My other children got on with him fine and are quite found of him.

But there were always bad vibes no matter what. Some of the things said were fast passing comments that could get lost or you could think oh its just a bit of silliness. I can't even explain it. I just wish I had stepped in sooner . And I feel like I have really let ds down badly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rightdecison · 09/07/2021 18:28

@FortunesFave

You're doing the right thing. How dare he say that about your son??

I have a 13 year old and she's a NIGHTMARE sometimes...a lot of the time actually but that's just how it is for some teens.

It's hard but he needs to support you positively and be a good role model for your son. Not act like a wanker who's out to get the better of him.

What will he do in 5 years when your son's a young man? Start a fight with him?

DUMP HIM.

Thank you. That actually makes a lot of sense. He did try and talk to me a couple of hours ago . Saying he wanted us to talk . He could not even take any responsibility for how he has been. So that's it. No going back.

OP posts:

vincettenoir · 09/07/2021 18:34

I don’t know what the right thing is to do. But I would say well done for being aware of this and confronting, it head on. Plenty of people in your position would bury their head in the sand, which wouldn’t be the right thing to do by your son.

Original poster

Rightdecison · 09/07/2021 19:23

@vincettenoir

Thank you . Its a shame as we had such a lovely day yesterday. He had the day of work. He took me out to buy some new clothes. And he treated me to a lovely meal. Its first time we gave been alone since before the first lock down. I have been going through a really hard time recently which is on going. Everyone replies on me and there's no one to see if I'm OK. So this day was really needed . But then by saying what he did. (He) ruined the whole day. And it's not even just the day. He's hurt ds. And he's also hurt me in the process.

OP posts:

vincettenoir · 09/07/2021 19:28

Yes I can see it’s really painful for you. It sounds tough. All the best.

FortunesFave · 09/07/2021 21:30

The thing is, my DH is my DD's Dad and he would NEVER say "I don't like her"

That's the difference between a decent man and an arsehole. Even though he's not your son's Dad, he should know not to say that and after 7 years, he should love your son...not say hateful things.

Original poster

Rightdecison · 09/07/2021 22:32

@FortunesFave

The thing is, my DH is my DD's Dad and he would NEVER say "I don't like her"

That's the difference between a decent man and an arsehole. Even though he's not your son's Dad, he should know not to say that and after 7 years, he should love your son...not say hateful things.

The stupid thing is. He has 3 adult children. 1 is not his child. But he's been in her life since she was about 3. Apparently his ex had said wait for her to start pointing out that 'A' is not yours it would not Enter my head to say that . I forget half the time anyway. Also I have never ever said anything bad or out of line about his adult children. But its a different story with mine. The more I reflect the more think f you .

OP posts:

Nonmaquillee · 09/07/2021 22:36

You have to put your son over any boyfriend, every time. He needs to know that you always have his back in life.

Original poster

Rightdecison · 10/07/2021 11:20

I don't want to start a new thread and it's kind of linked anyway.

So yesterday ex asked if he can have the 5 and 6 year old at weekends. I said he needs to give me a bit of time to get my head round it . I told him a few of my concerns. Which are when the children don't know which way their shoes go. Or that one is still in pull ups at night. He has a go at them about how they should know theses things he should not have to do it for them. He has a go at the 6 year old for still being in pull ups. He has his blue tooth in all the time he cant hear anything they say . They say dad dad ×20 times. Then I have to give him a tap on his knee to get his attention. Couple days ago he picked the kids up from school with me . 6 year old got in the car all proud that he made bread at school. And their dad gos oh yeah load of crap. He does no actual parenting. If he says to them let's pop to the shop . He tells them to get their self ready. He does not lift a finger to help them. And when they get it wrong he has a go at them. I know it sounds petty but I'm worried about them mentally and emotionally?

When I pointed this out to them. I thought he would say I will be more careful. But he just said. I'm not going down that Road. I hope one day you will let me see them. So to me he gave up just like that?

OP posts:

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