Menopause Depression and No Sex drive

[NatC2]

Ive been relatively happily married for nearly 25 years. Ive been on and off ADs for about 15 years. Im 46 and already through the menopause. The ADs/menopause has left me with zero sex drive has left my DH feeling unloved, sexually rejected and unhappy. We love each other but hes the affectionate one. Me on the other hand can go without cuddles, kisses and sex and not even think about it. When we do have sex he always initiates it as i just dont think about it but i do enjoy it once we’ve started. I WANT to feel turned on and want to jump him but i just dont get those urges…at all. I spoke to the GP as i desperately needed to get those feelings/emotions back to save my marriage (after years on ADs i felt completely void of emotion and thought this along with the menopause might be the problem). Gp said my hormone levels are ok so theres nothing she can give me to boost my libido. I asked about testosterone gel but she said as my levels are ok she cant give me it. She mentioned HRT but im a bit frightened of the risks of taking this. So i said that id come off my ADs first and see what happens with libido/feelings etc.

Im now a bloody over sensitive, overthinking wreck with still no sex drive! DH cant say anything jokey without me taking it serious. We’re now bickering and im crying, feeling hopeless and thinking hes going to leave me! The sex issue with him wanting it and me not seems an even bigger deal as im feeling so bad about not wanting to have sex, feeling more useless, not going to bed at same time to avoid sexual advances, not cuddling him in case he sees it as a green light etc. Im not making him happy. Hes now stopped showing me affection as we’re falling out and im ‘needing’ hugs and reassurance and he's losing patience with me :(

Help, Im so confused. Do i go back onto my ADs to stop the overthinking and anxiety and put up with no sex drive, not go back on ADs and give HRT a try? Part of me doesnt want to give in and go back on meds just yet as ive been off them about 2+ months. I just dont know what to do.

Sorry for long post x

Why is it ADs or HRT ? You can have both .

You can have both. There’s some fabulous GPs who specialise in menopause who podcast etc that may be worth you listening to or even contacting re HRT etc. Let me find the one I’m thinking of and post a link.

It's a common fact ADs can ruin your libido.

I'd slowly and carefully come off them to get the libido back.

I'd never risk with HRT.

Do you follow 1) healthy eating 2) exercise?

They can help to boost many people's sex drive.

Plan more fun - something always to look forward to, more sun (holidays if possible) in your life too.

I follow Naomi Potter (DrMenopauseCare) on Instagram as highly recommended by friends - I agree, she’s brilliant!
This is her website but her Instagram videos are truly informative.
menopausecare.co.uk/

I'd fine another doctor who actually wants to help you.

There is no reason you can't try out the testosterone gel or the hrt.

@Lana07

It's a common fact ADs can ruin your libido.

I'd slowly and carefully come off them to get the libido back.

I'd never risk with HRT.

I assume your referring to oral hrt but when it comes to transdermal there is a lot of new research , so not sure what risks yoh may be referring to with that

There’s a lot of benefits to hrt and the risks are nothing like what they once were . Also there’s been lots of scaremongering . Dr Louise Newson has some very informative podcasts and you tube stuff to help women understand the many health benefits of hrt . She gives a realistic assessment of the risks too .

@lana07 I should add that I do realise there are some risks even in transdermal but they are very minimal and the benefits of better cardio health and bone health need to be weighed up , especially considering the effects menopause has on women’s osteoporosis and cardio health

For anyone else who only sees "risk" in HRT read the Gov guidelines in section 1.5 . Let them tell you how small the actual risk is to certain people and about all the health advantages .

www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng23/chapter/Recommendations#long-term-benefits-and-risks-of-hormone-replacement-therapy

@NatC2 you are only 46 ! If your GP cannot help you then pay to see a menopause specialist . It might be about 200 for the consult . Ask GP for your hormone level test results etc to take with you . They can prescribe then will write to your GP so that NHS will give you it on prescription ( however if I recall correctly it was cheaper paying for the private prescription which gets you HRT at a price much lower than prescription charges )

You might be experiencing AD withdrawal which exacerbate your feelings but this will pass, give it time. The risks associated with HRT have been overstated and the benefits of them are now considered as positive. Watch the Davina McCall documentary. Also, you can get testosterone but you need a prescription from a specialist (private) as the NHS will not support your request. Good luck....you will be fine

There is so much you can do to improve things. O. P. You are so young, too young give up on your sex life! You've had some good advice here so read up and arm yourself with the current info about hrt. Definitely watch the Davina programme to start with. If you've already gone through menopause you might well need hormonal support and hrt is very safe, just check out the NICE guidelines to see the minimal risk. Re antidepressants you can still take those as well as hrt. If you meet resistance from your Dr then change them and find one who is clued up on the Menopause.

Please be open to trying HRT. A few years ago I was constantly tired, achy, hot flushes, loss of libido, etc etc - the lost goes on. I was reticent at first to try it (not really sure why) but my kind GP was very reassuring, gave me the facts, told me they do regular checks once you're on it - and I tried it. It took a few weeks to start working but then it was like I'd got the old me back.

I appreciate it might not be this wonderful for everyone, but to be honest most people I've spoken to who have tried HRT have got on well with it. It was truly life-changing for me. Surely it's worth a try?

I joke (but kind of mean it) that if our house was on fire, once I knew the family were safe, if I could only save one thing it would be my HRT.

When I tried Tibilone my sex drive came back in spades. It has something in it that the body converts into testosterone.

Took about three weeks.

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom and kind comments. I watched a few Naomi Potter insta posts and spoke to a different GP this morning and feel much better. The locum GP was very helpful and said as id not had a period for over 2 yrs i should have been on HRT a while ago. She doesnt think im depressed and thinks HRT is the solution…but….as my maternal auntie and sister have had breast cancer she wants a gynae opinion first. I should have been getting yearly mammograms from age 40 but i only had a couple when i had cysts so shes going to flag this up. Not much i can do at the moment re anxiety but at least i feel a bit more hopeful about the future. If i dont get anywhere with testosterone I’ll go private as i have bupa through work.

Give it a try. Testosterone didn't help me but it does help others. I tried it for 9 months (the menopause doc I saw said it could take 6 months to make a difference) but my libido was still zero, nada, zilch.
HRT has helped the low mood and teariness though.

I'm 40. If anyone finds my sex drive, please send it back!

HRT risk?

The benefits are huge. As pp said look at Louise Newson.

You’re only young - try HRT, do you want to feel like this for the next 30 years ??

@NatC2 so glad you are feeling more positive. Thank goodness the locum G.P was supportive - it makes such a difference to feel you are being listened to. Keep reading up about about the menopause in the meantime so you can see the options available. As well as the sources already mentioned there is a menopause board on here under 'Health'
and also the website Menopause Matters is a mine of information. All the best!

HRT. HRT. HRT. HRT. HRT.