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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lodger going out with an abusive person

14 replies

Ijsbear · 08/07/2021 18:46

We have a lovely, lovely and rather vulnerable young woman lodging with us.

She's going out with someone who is pretty much a bad'un. Charming, very likeable but quizzes her to the most intense detail about her past sexual experience before they'd ever met, then blows up and tells her she's broken his heart. He insists she tells him everything to the point that she's obsessing and really scared that she's forgotten the tiniest detail. He is isolating her from friends and stopping her going out with them ... basic disaster zone. He is free to go out with female friends, but she isn't free to go out with male. He dangles ideas like living together in front of her, then goes to flatshare with someone else ...the picture should be clear by now.

She is madly in love with him (he can be a lot of fun) but it's clearly a controlling relationship and she's rather scared of him, as well as longing for him.

It's hard to watch, since it's literally on my doorstep (she lives in our annex). When she talks about him i ~try~ to be neutral but I fear it's probably clear that I don't think he's much good. When she's away from him she seems to think more clearly but he snows her under with texts and talking and then her capacity for independent thought vanishes, it's all his thoughts.

I think she's too deep to finish with him of her own accord.

Looking for advice on how to help her, really. I hate to see someone so vulnerable being treated like this, and you can see a bleak future unfolding.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 08/07/2021 18:49

The short answer is I think you are doing all you can. Hard though it is. Maybe just be a shoulder for her if it all goes wrong, if you feel able to do that. Hard to watch though I agree.

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 20:59

How does the 'thinking more clearly' manifest itself?

StartingAgain33 · 08/07/2021 21:14

I dunno, tbh I know its going against the usual norm but if he's as bad as that I'd probably sit her and down and say you're a bit concerned at things you've seen. I'd make it clear there was zero judgement etc and that it is very easy to get taken in by this stuff. If she is open to it (she may find it a relief) then in time you could show her useful articles so she can see all of the behaviours listed out so she can recognise them.

I know that's going against the usual advice and usually I steer clear but I have a friend who is with what I believe to be an abusive husband and I'm the only one she tells things to because she knows I'll be honest but non judgemental about my thoughts and I think she values being able to open up to someone.

Original poster

Ijsbear · 08/07/2021 21:40

@TheFoundations

How does the 'thinking more clearly' manifest itself?

For instance, he went batshit crazy at her when he'd been picking at her about previous bfs, no matter how brief, and she finally trawled up that she'd kissed a boy 3 years ago (!).

She came over crying and said "but it was before I went out with him and we never did anything more and we've only had a couple of conversations since Bf and I have been together, what have I done that's so wrong?" She was clearly scared of the intensity of his reaction when he said she lied to him by not telling her about this kiss and that she'd broken his heart (again, !)

Later she talked to him and came over and said "she understood him better and she would try to remember absolutely everything so that there would be absolute honesty between them, but she was really afraid that he'd be mad because she'd forgotten something". Her basic common sense that his reaction was way OTT had been overriden.

She's vulnerable - she's staying here as the situation with her own family was untenable with a controlling mum and a depressed dad, and she's not got much confidence. I'd very much like to say that he's not welcome here any more, but that's fairly final.

If I get an opening I'll try to chat about what a good bf looks like, but I'm afraid that my dislike of his behaviour already came over and it's difficult to be non-judgemental about him.

OP posts:

username18702 · 08/07/2021 22:08

Can you talk to her about the Freedom Programme? See if she'll join. He's isolating her, grinding down her self esteem, basically destroying her OP. If she joined a live Freedom Programme she would at least have some other women there who can give her some support. Another alternative is therapy. A good therapist will see that he's controlling in five minutes and hopefully help her to see that.

StartingAgain33 · 08/07/2021 22:37

Yeah. I'm worried she'll pass the point of no return soon...

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 22:52

@Ijsbear

I would focus on her behaviour, not his, OP. You don't want to be ripping her beloved boyfriend to shreds (well, probably you do!) as it won't get her round to your way of thinking. It doesn't matter what a good boyfriend looks like - it matters that she learns to behave in a way that leaves her in the company of good people who care about her. You can gently chat with her about healthy responses and making her boundaries clear. If she's coming to you to talk to when she's upset, that puts you in a good position to help her.

Original poster

Ijsbear · 09/07/2021 11:27

hm, good advice to focus on her behaviour. Trying to teach her about good boundaries will help her her whole life, not just with this guy.

Fingers firmly crossed.

OP posts:

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 09/07/2021 11:37

Hi OP, just another thing to consider - make it clear that you will pretend to be okay with it infront of the boyfriend.
I was in a similar situation years ago and would avoid letting him come to my work as there was obvious disapproval and it would make him angry / try and make me avoid those people more.
Hope this makes sense

Original poster

Ijsbear · 09/07/2021 14:17

It does make sense and it'd have been better if I could have stayed entirely neutral but I think that it's a bit too late, even though I tried. I'll paste a smile on though.

OP posts:

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 09/07/2021 16:33

I can imagine it will be really hard to stay neutral in a situation like this!
Just so you know you are doing absolutely the right thing - as much as you can and also seeking counsel here and thinking about it, it's very mindful.
The world needs more people like you, take care not to put your self in danger too

Alfiemoon1 · 09/07/2021 16:40

He sounds like my daughters boyfriend all you can do is be there for her and hope she realises she comes to her senses soon

billy1966 · 09/07/2021 16:43

OP,

She is a vulnerable young woman who is being emotionally abused.

Would you ring Woman's aid for advice and perhaps 101.

He is coming to YOUR home and you have reason to be concerned.

I would do a Claire's Law request.

You sound lovely.

Original poster

Ijsbear · 09/07/2021 16:59

Im afraid I'm not in the UK ... and Im certain that he's not put a foot wrong with the law yet, not in his job. I might well contact Woman's aid though, just to see what they say.

OP posts:

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