Just that, really. i've been married to my husband for 2 years now - the last year has been pretty difficult, we separated over last summer as i felt his moods and tendency to sulk were insurmountable, then we started couples counselling over zoom and we've been doing that for months. things have been better in that we discuss issues that arise over the week in a neutral space with a third party, and we've both found it useful.
but at the end of the day - if it's not right, and it's never going to be right, do you just "know"? our problems aren't just about his moodiness. i have a dd who was 2 when we met and while they're great most of the time, i don't think he's realistic about life with a child, he always wants his "relaxation time" and most of the engagement is from my side, day to day. also, he's from a different country and he's never really made friends here, he has a couple of friends from "home" who also live in the city but he doesn't keep up with them really. i feel like he has nothing going on in his life except me and it probably does frustrate him, but he doesn't DO anything about it. he does a solitary desk based type of job which he seems not to enjoy very much. he earns good money but hasn't a lot of imagination about what to do with it - i planned our wedding, i plan every holiday, every weekend, etc. Also, and this sounds incredibly harsh, but i've become more and more aware of our different interests and levels of conversation. he'll talk at me about some science or history book he's read and then be kind of annoyed if i'm not as interested as him. he doesn't like talking about anything particularly deep, such as current affairs, issues we see in tv or films, etc because he just thinks it's "arguing" and he says he doesn't know enough about things to make a comment. he is quite repressed sexually i think, i tried to ignore it for a long time but now i'm just sick of the immature comments/innuendos he makes when i'm getting dressed or and the gropes to show me he's in the mood, not to mention the boring sex which is more and more infrequent. also, if i'm having a bad day - and i've had a really bad time with anxiety and an old eating disorder rearing its head since lockdown, leading to me having cbt and overhauling my lifestyle to cope better - he just seems to get frustrated and it will often lead to an argument. if i have a panic attack now, he just pretends it's not happening.
by the same token i cant imagine HE is happy, though he always insists he is with me and dd. but he doesn't look after himself or eat well, he has moods every day, he doesn't seem to enjoy family life and he won't get out there even now lockdown is over, he just wants to spend his free time with me and gets kind of offended if i make other plans at the weekend. i think he's in a rut, he's never settled in this city/country and he wants out. he's making noises about us moving to another city very far away from everything i know, and in my gut i think it would be a big mistake.
i don't have a lot of friends myself - a couple of close mum friends who live nearby and i'm close with my family, plus i have some friends online from a hobby. i thought i was feeling more and more depressed and lonely because of this, but to be honest, i think my depression and anxiety are in large part from waking up and realising this is my life - husband who seems unhappy, the grind of the daily routine with a school age child, and a full time job which takes a lot out of me.
so i guess the tl;dr: i don't get any joy out of spending time with my husband, and i can't remember the last time i did. i find he can suck the joy out of situations and i don't fancy him, i don't really respect him or like talking to him. i'm also getting incredibly down every day and it's hard to hide. he's been moody this afternoon and when i asked him if everything was actually ok he snapped at me, i tried to diffuse with "ok, chill, it's fine" and his response was, typical- "don't tell me to chill!" and a storm off shaking his head. he sits with headphones on a lot of the time listening to audiobooks, not really interacting with dd or me. and we go round and round like this but i dont think he's a huge dickhead, i just think he's deeply unhappy. and i get it, because i am too.
anyone been there? would appreciate any advice. we have a nice life and dd is happy, i think it would be tough for her if we split up as he's the only father figure she's had - her own dad has never been involved - and i worry it would massively trigger my anxiety, but i just don't feel happy. i feel so unhappy.