So it's been about 2-3weeks since my break up. 4 years of all kinds of shit. I know we aren't right for each other but I still wish we were. Things ended badly. And what has been bothering me since is he cannot take responsibility for his part (a very big part) in the mess that lead to the break up. He has completely changed the story when he tells back what happened that day. He argues with me until blue in the face that I am lying. But I know the truth. I can't get my head around how he believes his own lies and expects me to go along with it. He has been gaslighing me to put it simply. I was close to breaking point a few days ago, he really got to me but then after panic and tears my head cleared and I realised what he was doing in that he was gaslighing me and I was falling in to his trap. I stood my ground that he was in the wrong that day. Emotions were running high for both of us, each believing the other was in the wrong (me being the truthful party). The dust sort of settled between us over a few days and now I find myself lustfully thinking about him. I mean.... What the hell is wrong with me. He has proved to me that he is a liar. I can't trust him at all. We have broken up and got back together before. Nothing ever changes. My anxiety sky rockets around him. Yet here I am still thinking about him. Someone give me a slap or chuck a glass of water over me please. It's like a fog has taken over and I can't remember the bad stuff, just the cosy feeling being next to him but that is not reality.