Me and DH have been married for 13 years and have 2 DC. I just need to let off some steam.
We have a decent income (more would always be nice!) but recently moved house and took on a larger mortgage to have more space. The house is great and in many ways it has made us happier. However, it is more expensive to run and money is tighter - we are no means on the breadline, we just can't save as much. Money has never been an issue between us before. We both work (me PT since having DC) but DH earns about three times as much as me and he works long hours (whether he needs to work such hours is up for debate).
The house has very little built in storage (pretty much all our storage was built in at the last house) - it has a couple of big storage areas but we need things like a bike storage shed for DC's bikes and scooters and somewhere to put shoes and coats in the hall. At the moment the hall is a mess with bikes and shoes and bags everywhere - you literally trip over them to get into the house.
We set aside some money to buy things like this and to do a few odd jobs. DH was happy to spend £750 on a new desk and chair for his office but whenever I want to buy something he procrastinates. I am not even talking about hugely expensive things - I saw a bike shed on a local selling site for a fraction of the cost of new but he dithered for two weeks and then it was gone, he refused to get an IKEA shoe cabinet because it is "cheap" and I sent him a link to another cabinet on eBay which needs to be sanded and painted (I can do this) but he hasn't replied - so that will no doubt be gone by the time he responds.
Everything I buy he quibbles over, anything he buys it is fine to spend the money on.
We have a cleaner and he has unilaterally upped her hours (because of the bigger house but also because he wants her to do his ironing which she stopped doing when we moved because she didn't have time) so we are now spending £60 a week on her - but in the next breath he is refusing to allow me to use our usual holiday club for the DC as they are only doing full weeks (I work 4 days a week) and so the extra day is a "waste".
I feel like I am the only one making compromises and I also feel he has taken on the role of "boss" and he has the final say on expenditure. It's not like I spend large sums without his agreement, I never do, and he did run the desk and chair by me before ordering it. I just feel he now vetoes things that he wouldn't have done before.
We each have access to all of our money. Everything goes in the same account. We also have our own spending money but, thinking about it, mine is for me and the DC as I am the one that ends up buying clothes and shoes and haircuts etc for them. I never have any of my money left at the end of the month - DH sees this as me "wasting" it as he always has plenty - which is not surprising as he barely leaves the house and he uses my Amazon account to order things, which of course is linked to my account. I don't want to be petty by asking him for the money back but the odd book here, random electrical wire, item for his hobby there all adds up.
I am currently looking for a new job and have been working on an application for one that looks ideal, except it is full time. At the moment I work 4 short days and do all the dropping and collecting of DC.
DH has said that the pay isn't good enough because it won't compensate for the additional childcare costs. This led to an argument because I said that this is a shared expense as it also allows him to work too. He works from home (likely to remain so, at least 3 days a week) but not once has he taken or collected the DC. I have a compulsory meeting at work next week (likely to announce redundancies) which means I will have to stay later than usual (until 5pm, after school club finishes at 5.30, I will struggle to get there in time) and so I asked that he collect the DC (school is 5 mins from home). He is umming and ahhing , telling me that it is out of order for them to arrange a meeting during my non working time, that I should refuse to go etc. All the while he would think nothing of arranging a meeting for 6/7pm - well after his official finish time of 5pm. But that is different.
Whenever I try to speak to him about this and how I feel he gets angry and says that if I want him to do more round the house and with the DC during the week the only option is for him to give up work completely (he would never ask for PT work, he says that is career suicide, like I don't know it) and I can be the breadwinner which is not possible as my career was destroyed by maternity leaves and working PT. It will take me years to get up to his earning level.
I am worried that if I am made redundant without a job lined up it will make things worse - he will no doubt suggest we get rid of the cleaner and I do it all, that we will not need holiday club or after school club etc and we will lose our places which will make it harder to find work (I have seen it happen to friends) and I will be trapped at home (which is what I think he wants - since having DC it has become apparent that his liberal views are just words, he actually would like me to be like his mother, a traditional housewife).
I am not sure how I ended up in this position. I used to be independent but now I have to ask DH to be able to stay an extra half an hour at work and if it is ok to spend £150 on a cupboard.
Aargh.