Need opinions on tone of messages

[Walltowallwalrus]

I would like opinions on whether I'm being reasonable to be slightly suspicious when a woman has a pet name for my husband when she messages him and also signs off her messages with four kisses.
I know everyone is different but I've got on really well with some male colleagues in the past, but never in a million years would I call them by a pet name, nor sign off with four kisses.
Is this something an extrovert would do though?

What kind of pet name? A nickname or something more generic like sweetie/darling or something more personal?
Does your husband respond with kisses?

Unless he is her bestie or she is shagging him (or wants to be) then no, it's not normal. Tell him to invite her over for dinner sometimes 'as she is clearly his pal' - and watch his face, that'll tell you all you need to know.

I wouldn't be happy about that. How does she know him?

@Honeybeebloom

What kind of pet name? A nickname or something more generic like sweetie/darling or something more personal? Does your husband respond with kisses?

Mr grumpy. No, husband never responds with kisses.

I think it would depend on what the pet name was. Anything too cheesy would make me question her motives. Work-based in-joke not so much.

It may very well be just the way she is however I would be suspicious too. Have you asked your husband what he thinks of the pet name and the kisses?

I don't think it sounds like anything to worry about if your husband isn't responding in kind and that's the nickname. It sounds like someone who's just over-familiar. I have worked with women who do this not because they fancy the guy but more they are trying to be 'in' with them.

@HollowTalk

I wouldn't be happy about that. How does she know him?

The company that she used to work for and the company that he works for have business dealings. Originally they got to know one another just due to the fact that they'd speak on the phone maybe every couple of months. AFAIK they haven't met in RL.

There's a complication though because yesterday I started to wonder if the woman who is messaging is not actually this ex colleague at all. I looked at her WA profile pic and she looks different to the woman he said was his colleague when he showed me her FB profile a couple of years ago. If that makes sense?

I don’t think it’s very professional to either call you’d colleagues pet names or use kisses in texts (I am just imagining texting our Executive Directors at all, let alone calling them a cutesy name and adding kisses; I was absolutely mortified the one time I accidentally included a gif in a MS Teams chat to the CEO!) But if she’s younger, doesn’t have much experience of the workplace and it’s a relatively small or informal workplace, I’d think it was more her inexperience and naivety than trying to get in his pants.

If she’s 47 and the global finance director for a FTSE100, I’d be pretty concerned!

@Jurassicparkinajug

It may very well be just the way she is however I would be suspicious too. Have you asked your husband what he thinks of the pet name and the kisses?

Good point. I never asked him what he thinks of the pet name as he actually volunteered the information previously when he said it was a message from her when it came through.

I’ve assumed they’re colleagues because you mentioned how you’d respond to male colleagues - is she actually just a friend?

@ComtesseDeSpair

I’ve assumed they’re colleagues because you mentioned how you’d respond to male colleagues - is she actually just a friend?

If she's the woman he says she is then I would describe her as an ex colleague. Not really a friend in the normal sense, just someone you get to know over time through conversation over the phone.

Can you find her on Facebook again and see if she looks like her WA profile? People can change dramatically in a few years, weight, hair colour etc

@MadeForThis

Can you find her on Facebook again and see if she looks like her WA profile? People can change dramatically in a few years, weight, hair colour etc

Already done that. There are only a handful of photos since the one he showed me. Yes she's lost weight and changed hair colour on FB profile. The WA profile pic still doesn't look like her. The only way it could be at a stretch is if the WA pic is a really old photo.

I think whether it's the same woman or not makes a massive difference!!

Are you now worried that the woman he's messaging may not be who he's told you it is? That would be massive red flag as nobody lies about that for no reason!

Can you get the actual phone number from his phone?

Unless the woman is a great deal older than him and thinks of herself as a kindly older friend to both the man and his partner, using a pet name and signing off with kisses is inappropriate provided she knows he is married.
If she doesn't know he is married, messaging someone, calling them by a pet name, and signing off with kisses would be entirely understandable, if she (a) fancies him or (b) is one of his best friends.

I think you need to try and find out if its the same woman. if it isn't then yes a massive red flag as to why your DH is telling you its her, when it isn't.
Could it be a woman he works with now?

Also, even if it is the same woman I can't think of any reason I'd ever send even one x to a collegue or ex collegue.

What do the messages say? and have you seen his replies or do they get deleted?

Sounds fairly flirtatious.

Can you get the actual phone number from his phone?

@Walltowallwalrus This is a good plan actually as then you could call and ask if it's 'Sue' or whatever the woman's name is on FB. She'd have no reason to suspect it's you or think she has to hide her name to people calling. Then just pretend to be selling double glazing or something for a mo till she hangs up.

I don't think any messages were deleted.
All the conversations are started by her.
They start when lockdown started. Her messages usually start by asking him how he is and how his 'family' are. The first time this happened he responded immediately, saying sorry he had meant to text but he had been busy. Then follows innocuous stuff (no mention of me).
A couple of times he does not reply, weeks pass, then she will ask again after him and his family. Then he will reply, then she didn't for a while. Then she did again, the same opening, asking after him and his family.
I think you can read it two ways. You can read it as her being an extrovert and possibly being over-familiar because of her personality. But it does actually make more sense if you read it like they're beginning a relationship but then he's cooling off. It's polite, yet a bit flirty from her.
He's quite curt in places, with one word answers.
Now that I've re-read them, it sounds less and less like what I would expect this female professional to be texting a married male colleague.
I wouldn't want to quote it here, but I think his first response is questionable. If I'd intended to catch up with everyone in my contacts list at the start of lockdown, I would not say sorry if the person texted me first. I would have said something like 'nice to hear from you, I was meaning to text you but I've been busy'. The sorry in his message to me sounds as if they'd been having regular contact and he was apologising for the long delay.
Maybe reading too much into that.
I appreciate the feedback and it's interesting most agree it's flirtatious. I wonder if he sees it like that or hasn't got a clue.

Apologies for any confusion - I changed my username.

How did she even get his PRIVATE Number if they never met IRL? He MUST have given it to her..well thats what would have had my alarm bells ringing

He must have yes. Also the lack of kisses back means nothing. I have never received a kiss back from my man who loves me loads! He just is a middle aged man who didn't have a phone until he was 30!